It’s been a month. Thirty-six days to be exact but I’m not really counting. Last month we dropped off our oldest child, Kyle, at Michigan Tech University, a 7-8 hour drive from home. I expected it to be a weepy goodbye as both my husband and I are quite emotional. To my surprise it wasn’t (mostly because our son couldn’t get us out the door soon enough), and that began a new phase of my life...mothering an adult child.
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| Dropping Kyle off at college |
I’m sure other mothers can relate. For eighteen years, I’ve spent the majority of my life attentive to his needs, his wants, his health, his schoolwork, his behavior, his friends and girlfriends, his activities, etc. Now that he’s gone, it seems I think about him much more than when he lived at home. That’s probably not true, but when I saw him, even if it was just 5-10 minutes at night, I had confirmation that he was okay. Not hearing from him for days or seeing him for months is new territory for me. Learning comes with new things and here is a summary of what I’ve learned so far in this new journey.
What I miss
- I miss the daily contact and updates. Even if it was just a few minutes in the morning and/or evening, I was able to see him and talk with him about his life. I know there is technology that will allow this to continue to occur, but I’m giving him his space to be an adult.
- I miss watching him play sports, interact with his friends and adults, and obsess over whatever project he started.
- I miss his beautiful smile. And I should since we paid for it!
- I miss his curious, creative nature. Not necessarily the messes he made while being curious and creative though.
- I miss his friends coming over to hang out.
- I miss him taking care of the dog every morning! Just being honest.
What I love about parenting an adult child
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| At a college visit senior year |
- I love the freedom I have to spend more time with my husband. While we still have one more child at home, it is one less person and schedule to work around.
- I love that grocery shopping is easier and less frequent. No longer do I need to get milk three times a week, make spaghetti and tacos at least once a week, or replenish snacks as often.
- I love that the house stays clean longer. I’m sure this is due to our younger son taking over the basement vacated by Kyle so the upstairs (the part I see the most) is easier to keep less cluttered.
- I love that there are less cars in the driveway. As all the men in my family can attest to, I am not the best backer upper. Trying to weave between cars in my driveway is a stressful endeavor for me so his leaving has alleviated some of this stress.
- I especially love when Kyle initiates a call or text conversation. It makes my day whenever I hear from him no matter why he is connecting with me or how long we converse.
What I struggle with
- How do I communicate with him without being intrusive? How often should I or can I contact him? What time during the day or night is okay to call? I’m sure I’m overthinking this, but I want him to know I care without bugging him all the time.
- How do I balance giving him advice without telling him what to do? Over the years we’ve taught him to make his own decisions, but we’ve always been there to help him through them. Now he doesn’t always consult us in his decisions.
- How do I ask questions without being interrogative? I’m interested in what he’s doing and I’m sure there are things I don’t want to know. How do I ask the right questions to hear about his life without making it seem like I’m trying to catch him doing something wrong?
- How do I accept the fact that we’ve done a good job raising him and he’s going to be an honest, hardworking, caring, and productive adult? In my heart I know he will be.
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| Love that smile! |
