Christmas Traditions

Traditions abound around the holiday season…picking out and decorating a tree, writing letters to Santa, making Christmas cookies, caroling, driving around to see the light displays, watching holiday movies, and spending time with people you love. Over the years our traditions have changed and I’m sure some of yours have too.

Searching for our Christmas tree, 2005

When I was growing up, my grandparents on my mom’s side were divorced and remarried which established some of our family Christmas traditions. (My dad’s parents spent the winter in Florida so we didn’t usually see them at Christmas.) We would attend Christmas Eve service with my grandpa and his family, followed by dinner and presents at his house. Christmas Day was then spent with my grandmother and her husband at our house. They would come over early in the morning for gifts and stay through dinner. I loved these get-togethers and all the people involved. We continued these traditions into my adulthood until my mom passed away.

At the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I tried to keep our family Christmas traditions alive by spending time in the Upper Peninsula with family, his mom and siblings in Detroit, and his dad and family in Kalamazoo. This many-mile triangle became too difficult to sustain once we had kids so we began alternating holidays…a new tradition. One year would be a Kari Thanksgiving with my family and a Sitkins Christmas with my husband’s family. The next year we switched. This tradition has continued for over 20 years, although in smaller gatherings due to life’s cycle.

We created our own traditions with Kyle and Elliott that ended once they moved out (or maybe when they were in high school, see side note)…finding and cutting down a tree, decorating it with Christmas music in the background, Christmas stockings before gifts, and eating monkey bread on Christmas morning. (Side note: Just because you have a tradition does not mean everyone enjoys it the same. I loved decorating the tree together, but I found out the males in this family did not feel the same!)

12 Days 2021

One family tradition I try to keep alive is the 12 Days of Christmas. Our version of the 12 Days is different from most. It begins on December 14 and each gift corresponds to the day…a pair of gloves could be day one (1 pair) or day two (two gloves) or day 10 (10 fingers). When the boys were young, it was much easier because they lived with us and many of the days were food items they wouldn’t normally get. These included Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes, candy, bags of chips, and pop. We also gave them things like a $5 gift card, four quarters, 11 oz. of Pringles. Days 7 and 11 were often the hardest so we sometimes created coupons for movie rentals, books, or other things/activities we could do throughout the winter. As they got older, we added items like socks, deodorant, protein bars, and gift cards for fast food. My 12 Days of Christmas skills are being challenged even more now that they live on their own.

The Sitkins’ 12 Days of Christmas began when the boys were very young. I was a stay-at-home mom and was always looking for something to keep them busy (and learn in the process). The kids and I made things for Fred (their dad) that corresponded to the day…a wreath ornament with eight green balls, five songs they sang on a cassette tape, one play they performed, a coupon for three snow shoveling jobs or 10 back rubs, etc. After a couple of years, we started the 12 Days for the boys, and at some point, abandoned Fred’s but kept the tradition for Kyle and Elliott.

As our children move further into adulthood and have significant others, we will adjust to their schedules and the holiday traditions they create. One of those adjustments will be to the 12 Day of Christmas. They don’t know it yet, but one day the 12 Days tradition will move down a generation. Whether your traditions are just beginning, spans generations, or changing, I hope you find joy in every one of them.

Saying Goodbye to a Relationship

I recently said goodbye to a 13-year relationship, and it was more difficult than I thought it would be. In the beginning, I really didn’t want to get into the relationship. I was happy with the ones I already had. How could I manage another? But there were special people in my life who wanted to add this relationship to our lives, so I acquiesced. And I’m glad I did because she brought much joy to my life.

Zoey, our chocolate lab, quickly became my walking partner. I wonder how many miles we walked over those 13 years. We walked with friends, and we walked alone. She would remember where there had been “bad” dogs in their yards, and she’d pull on the leash to get as far away from them as she could even when they weren’t outside. On some walks we’d stop at the lake. I’d find something to throw in the water for her to retrieve. It was funny how many more times she would retrieve something in the water than she would on land. Zoey liked being off the leash but never went too far ahead without stopping to see if I was coming. I couldn’t get on the floor to stretch or sit without her thinking I was down there for her. She loved having her belly rubbed whether I was on the floor or not. Were there more of those than the miles we walked? She always knew when I was sad or upset and would come to comfort me. 

Like all relationships though, there were difficult times. We were fortunate that she didn’t chew shoes since she spent her younger years in the mud room with ALL our footwear. But she did chew a hole in the basement wall. On some of our walks, when Zoey was off the leash, she would get behind because she stopped to sniff everything. Weren’t we supposed to be exercising? Once she ate a hand warmer and Fred had to induce vomiting. When we lived on the sailboat for three months, she got so depressed she developed a hot spot on top of her head. Then there was a trailer incident where her jaw got broken as were our hearts. 

As Zoey aged, our walks became slower and shorter. She would still go in the water, but not for long. Naps became more frequent and longer. Her eyesight failed, she couldn’t hear, and doggie dementia set in. It seemed to come on slowly yet went by way too fast. I always wondered how we would know when it was time to say goodbye, but she let us know.

Zoey touched not only my life, but so many others. The family who cared for her as their own every time we went on vacation. My walking friends. The many neighbors who let her out and fed her when we would be late to get home. Her furry friends’ parents. The coworkers who stayed with her when we needed them. The vet staff and groomers who loved on her at every visit. It seemed she captured the hearts of everyone she encountered. 

While I had no desire to have a pet in my life, my love for Zoey grew to a point that saying goodbye was difficult. I still expect her to be waiting outside our bedroom door in the morning for her breakfast. I miss being greeted by her when I come in the door. And I ache to walk with her again when I see other dogs and their owners enjoying a walk together. All relationships have good and bad days, ups and downs. As I reflect on the memories I have of Zoey, I’d have to say there were many more on the plus side which made it harder to say goodbye. 

I appreciate our family and friends who have reached out to comfort us and share in our grief. From cards, gifts, and flowers to Facebook and text messages, these acts of kindness let us know we are not alone in our sorrow. Many have walked with path before, and I appreciate those relationships as well.

Relationships in Crisis

No, I’m not going to talk about financial management, marital strife, prodigal children, or physical, mental, or emotional abuse. Yes, all these relationship issues can escalate to a crisis and the pandemic has most likely exacerbated those that already existed. I’m taking this to a more personal relationship level. During this current crisis, connecting with my family and friends is not the same.  

I miss hugs!

It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for a lifetime, just met you, or you are a stranger, I’m always in for a hug. I recently ran into a couple of friends at the grocery store and was so excited to see them. My first instinct was to hug them but then I remembered that I shouldn’t. Hugs are reassurance that we care for others, a thank you when someone does something special for you, and comfort when someone is struggling. I think we all could use more of that comfort right now.

Missing this!

I miss physically being with my people!

I miss going out to dinner, playing cards, going to the movies, and having get-togethers. Like many others today, I Google Meet, Zoom, or FaceTime a lot. Video calls are great for seeing people…if you can see them! The screens are just not big enough and I have to wear my reading glasses. What I need is a theater-style set-up where the technology works automatically. Honestly, I’d rather get together where the “screen” is real-life and reading glasses aren’t necessary.

I miss trips to visit friends and family!

Day trip, weekend getaway, or vacation time. Going to see family and friends is something I’ve done my whole life. One of my good friends moved away recently and if it had not been for the pandemic, I would have already traveled there to see her and her new place. We didn’t spend Thanksgiving with family and are trying to decide what to do about Christmas. These are two holidays we have always spent with family.

I know it is my choice to stay physically distant. I do so because I care about others. Not only that, but I’m afraid that once I start spending time with people I won’t want to stop. I (we) will get through this crisis. In the meantime, I’ll try to do a better job connecting through email, text, phone/video call, and more walks. Feel free to reach out to me as well!

To be fair to the pandemic, there has been an upside in some of my relationships during this crisis. My dog is loving the two daily walks and more petting, and my husband and I have spent more time doing new things together like cooking and walking. I hope those things remain once this is over.

Relationship Remodel

Whew! Our marriage survived another remodel project. Fred and I have remodeled an entire house…if we lived in the same house all these years. Over our 25 years of marriage, there have been four houses and multiple home projects. We’ve remodeled a kitchen/living room and another kitchen, added an attached garage, replaced windows, built a couple of patios, added decks, created a mudroom in a section of a garage, built a pole barn (to “replace” the space lost in that garage), and updated (i.e., painting, flooring, trim, etc.) numerous rooms in every house. The latest remodel project…our master bathroom.

I’m a visual person so when my husband says we should blah, blah, blah, I usually wrinkle my nose and say I don’t think I’ll like how that will look. He either sketches a picture or I take a leap of faith (or both) and we go forward with the project. Inevitably, the completed project is much better than the visual I had in my head from his verbal explanation. This last project was no exception.

We practiced a lot of patience during the four-month renovation project…with the process (so many steps had to cure before we could move on!), with items to come in, and with each other. We, meaning mostly my husband, did the work, along with advice and help from our friends. The finished project is better than we imagined.

As I reflected on the project, I came to realize how much renovation/remodel projects are like relationships.

1. Our demolition included taking out the vanity, toilet, tub, and tile floor. While not all relationships have to be brought back to the studs, we often must start over. Go back to the beginning and rebuild. Forgive and move on.
2. Every part of the project had a messy component to it. It seemed like we were always cleaning something up. Like this project, relationships can be messy. Disagreements. Distrust. Miscommunication. Healthy relationships deal with the messes as they happen to keep the “project” going.
3. Often remodel projects take longer than planned. At about the three-month marker, we were ready to be done. If we chose to stop at that point, we would have a half-bath in our master bedroom. When we get tired of fighting through the tough parts of our relationships, it’s worth remembering that there is something better and beautiful if we don’t give up.
4. Every project cost something…time, money, patience. And sometimes those costs are more than we expect. Sounds a lot like relationships. Giving of yourself, being patient, and holding your tongue (I’m talking to me here), are often difficult to sustain. But they are also good investments to make in a relationship.
5. A weight off his shoulders. A deep, fresh breath for me. That’s what it felt like to complete our remodel project. And we celebrated. Dinner. A toast. A relaxing weekend talking about what we can do now in our free time. When we get to the other side of difficult times in our relationships we need to remember to celebrate. Celebrate that the relationship remains. Thank God for the opportunity to grow as a couple. Talk about your future together.

We all face project (trials) in our relationships. Financial struggles, infidelity, emotional instability, loss of loved ones, gross misunderstandings, and much more. Some projects just need a new paint job. Not to cover over the issue, but to bring a new fresh perspective. Other times we may need to tear it down to the studs and start over. Our relationships improve, grow stronger, and become deeper when we work through every part of the remodel process.

My husband and I have a list of house projects we would like to eventually accomplish. That list gives us something to look forward to together. I also know each project will give me an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with him. I love this “house” we’ve built together, no matter where it lives.

You want me to do what?

/rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/: The way in which two or more people regard and behave toward one another. (lexico.com) The reason I am passionate about relationships is that they are part of everything we do. Every time we interact with someone, whether physically or online, we are in a relationship. No, not the Facebook or cultural “in a relationship,” but “the way two or more people behave toward one another” relationship.

Not all relationships are lengthy or deeply personal like we have with our families, marriages, and close friends. But they all require love. I once saw a photo of a church sign that said, “Just love them all. I’ll sort them out later.” Love. Them. All. ‘All’ includes your difficult family members, an unreasonable neighbor, your impatient boss, the crazy homeless person you see on your way to work, and everyone else we come in contact with.

I want to love ALL like God loves me. That means those with opposite lifestyles, multiple personalities, and different opinions. It’s easy to love people who are like me, agree with me, and love me back. But how do I love imperfect people (myself included)? I believe it’s a combination of I Corinthians 13 and Matthew West’s song Do Something. I Corinthians 13 tells me how and the song tells me to take action.

Here is how I’ve applied, and continue to apply, I Corinthians 13: 4-7 to my relationships:

Be patient: Patience is not something that comes easy to me, but I’ve had many situations to practice patience. God taught me patience through an independent toddler, an inclination to say “yes” too often, and more ways than I'd like to admit to. I still hear His voice when I’m frustrated with long lines, traffic, and people. 😊

Be kind: Like the Good Samaritan story (Luke 10:25-37), I am called to be kind in my relationships. I try to open doors, smile more, and make conversation (or just say ‘hi’). Being kind includes helping my spouse or friend and listening instead of talking.

Do not be envious: Love is not envious of others' possessions, careers, kids, brains, talents, etc. As I get older, I’ve learned to be content with what God has given me. When I focus on what I do not have, I am unhappy. And my unhappiness does not lead to loving others.

Do not boast or be proud: It is okay to be proud of the person God made me and how He uses me, but when my focus is on being better than others, then I am not showing love. 

Do not dishonor others: God has shown me that my mouth is capable of dishonoring others. The words I use or the way I say those words have humiliated, demeaned, or hurt other people. I am not perfect, but I’m learning to hold my tongue more. 

Do not be self-seeking: Rather than insisting on doing what I want to do, I show love by going out to dinner where my kids would prefer to go, by giving of my time to volunteer at the homeless shelter, and by taking care of the day-to-day duties of running our home without complaining.

Do not be easily angered: When I have over-committed and get stressed out, I find myself getting angry more quickly and often say things I don’t mean. I have to make a concerted effort to remember to love the driver in front of me, the grocery store clerk, or just about anyone who is slowing me down to get things accomplished.

Keep no record of wrongs: This is forgiving and letting it go. I distinctly remember asking God how many times I needed to forgive “this person” for the same ‘wrong.’ It may be hard to believe, but I heard Him say “seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22) What’s amazing is that when I continue to forgive, even for the same issue, I never get to seventy times seven (yes, I’ve tried counting). 🙄

Do not rejoice in wrongdoing: When I hurt someone, make a mistake, or do something wrong, I fess up to it (most of the time). My relationships are only healthy when I am truthful. Also, not celebrating or gloating (even internally) when someone else messes up falls in this category.

Always protect: I’m a mom. Watching out for people like they are my kids isn’t too difficult. But standing up for others when their shortcomings are revealed is harder. In these situations, I try to see life from their perspective and protect them by not adding more negativity to the fire.

Always trust: When someone hurts me, it is easy to not want to trust them again. But love calls me to always trust, not to be suspicious. I’ll admit this isn’t always easy, yet I believe it is the right thing to do. For my relationships that are not close and personal, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been in places in my life where I have not been at my best and I hope others have done the same for me.

Always hope: Hope is a confident belief in something unseen. Expressing my confidence in my husband’s and children’s abilities and potential, is part of loving them. Believing that people will change, that circumstances will get better, and that there is something better beyond this world are what keep me always hoping.

Always persevere: Over my lifetime, I’ve encountered difficult times in various relationships. I can honestly say that persevering through those times has been worth it in the long run. This devotion by Sharon Jaynes reiterates that fact (at least in marriages) when it states, “86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier.”

I do not love perfectly in any of my relationships. I often find myself asking God, “Why?” Why do I have to…? Why don’t they…? Why me? And “You want me to do what?” His answer is always “Because I love you. Don’t you want others to feel that love too?” And I do. 

25-Year Love Letter

This summer, Fred and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We visited the beach where we got married, stayed at The Homestead where we stayed on our wedding night, and spent some time reminiscing about our time together. Our literal and figurative stroll down memory lane highlighted how much has changed in 25 years.

I started reflecting on our quarter century together when I came to the realization that our oldest son was turning the same age as Fred was when we met. For some reason my beau-to-be seemed older than what I want to believe my son is now. Then I realized…he could meet his future wife any time! This, of course, led to a list of things I want our boys to remember when "seeking" and marrying a spouse. 

• Put your relationship with God first. Human relationships are not forever. Humans are faulty. Spouses leave. Death occurs. God will be there through all your trials and successes. Spend time working on this relationship.
• Know yourself before choosing a partner...what you like/dislike, what is important to you in relationships, where you envision your future, how important your parents are to you 😉, etc. Don't define yourself by the person you choose (see first bullet).
• Choose a partner wisely. While it may be hard to see beyond the initial infatuation
  
  and passion, look for a friend who is going to stick it out for the long haul. Someone who will stretch your comfort zone, who shares your values, and encourages you to grow. Look for traits like patience, forgiveness, and unselfishness. You’ll notice these the more time you spend with someone.
• Make your relationship with your spouse a priority, every day and especially during the tough times. You may disagree about family, friendships, and finances (maybe even politics). You'll navigate emotions, physical ailments, and spiritually battles. It's during those tough times that you need someone who makes your relationship a priority (see third bullet). Also, remember trials are temporary even if it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through them.
• Communicate regularly. This may be one of the most difficult parts of your relationship, but it's one of the most important. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking or assume you know what she is thinking. Talk about your day, your plans, your future. Celebrate your victories. Share your struggles. And listen to hers.
• Seek wise and mature counsel. I often wonder how my parents and grandparents stayed married so long. Our 25 years isn't even half my grandparents' marital success, yet I am learning what it takes. Don't be afraid to reach out to experienced couples. You're not the first to go through whatever you're going through.

I read a devotion this summer that said marriage is “about sacrifice. It is about caring for the needs of someone else above your own. It is about believing in the impossible when your hope is all but gone. It’s about asking God to give you wisdom and then having the courage to change when he reveals the problem is you.” I’d like to say that in 25 years the problem was never me, but that would be a lie. In fact, I’m thankful for the positive changes I’ve seen in me. Let’s hope Fred does too because I’d like to make it another 25 years.

❤ = love, sort of

Long before the heart emoji existed, many people, including me, drew hearts to express their love. I put hearts at the end of letters and in cards. I included hearts on notes to my parents and friends. I wrote hearts in my school notebooks next to names of boys I liked. While those hearts represented my love at the time, I knew very little of what love was.

Rarely do I hear the words ‘What is love?’ and not hear the song by Haddaway in my head or think about the Night at the Roxbury skit. Type in ‘love’ in Google and you will get 13.16 billion results. Songs, books, movies, news stories, psychological articles, nonprofits, sites that sell love/love-related items, and more. It’s quite a popular topic. Look at the definition of love and you’ll find it is a noun (e.g., a feeling, a person, or a score in tennis), yet it is shown through our actions (i.e., a verb).  

Love, of course, is more than a feeling. People fall in and out of the ‘love feeling’ all the time. When we love others, it doesn’t mean we’ll never get hurt or that we’ll never hurt others. We love our children, but they probably think we hurt them when they are disciplined. I’m guilty of hurting my husband, children, and friends by saying mean things to them. Having “tough love” by not fixing the mistakes our loved ones make is not easy to do either. It really is hard to love at times.

I want to love better. #37 on My 50 List is ‘Study love as described in the Bible.’ Throughout 2018, my studying consisted of morning devotions about love (some but not all). I also read the book Love Like That: 5 Relationship Secrets From Jesus by Les Parrott III. And I’ve read 1 Corinthians 13 in different translations. Yes, I could have studied more, and even though 2018 is over, I plan to continue to learn more about love.

According to The Message, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says [bolding is mine]

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This message seems counter to what we learn in our world today… it’s okay to be impatient with the waitress or the car in front of you or the cashier at the grocery store; every commercial encourages you to be better than others; keep up with the Jones’ of social media; be angry with others whose opinions differ from yours.

Since I was a youth, I heard and read the above Corinthians verses. Reading the words isn’t the same as living them and it wasn’t until about six years ago that I started to really internalize them. I asked God for years to give me patience. Then I read somewhere that God doesn’t GIVE us patience, He helps us through situations so we LEARN patience. I realized that I “coveted” more than I thought (e.g., better hair, more money, less weight, etc.). When I’m tired or stressed, I lash out at others. And I would love to erase the mental list of wrongs done to me. When I truly study the love list, I have much room for improvement.

As a physical reminder about wanting to love better, I chose to get a tattoo (#10 on My 50 List). The tattoo I chose is an infinity symbol with a cross and a heart, located on my wrist so I see it every day. It’s a reminder to me that I want to love continually but I need help in doing so and I get that help through my faith. I’d like to love unconditionally. I’d like to always follow the love instructions in 1 Corinthians 13. Yet I know that I will sometimes (maybe often) fail. And that’s okay as long as I keep seeking help from God to learn a little more about loving others. Even though I know I won’t be able to love perfectly, it’s something I will strive toward beyond My 50 List (and beyond the ❤ emoji).

What do you remember?

On the 30th of this month my mom would have turned 68 years old. While there are many times throughout the year that I think of her, my thoughts wander there more often in September. I wonder what advice she'd share with me about having adult children, how many wrinkles she would have on her face, whether her general health would be good, and who she would still be ministering to. I miss spending time with her, seeing her beautiful smile, holding her soft hands, eating her delicious home-made spaghetti noodles, and being amazed by the multitude of craft projects she had "going" at one time. 

Life gives us memories and reminders of those moments. I have a few pictures of my mom around the house. They remind me of special events or just the wonderful person she was. When I make pasties or spaghetti or use one of her recipe cards, memories of her fill my head. Often these memories are not tied to a physical object she owned or gave to me but rather stored in my mind, waiting for a trigger to bring them back like when I hear a song I think she would enjoy. 

While 11:11 reminds me of my late father-in-law and I think of my late grandpa when Stannard Rock is mentioned, not all reminders are related to those who are no longer with us. I think of my aunt when I see a rainbow, my in-law family when I see/hear fart jokes, and a good friend when I drive past an A&W. 

We gather all these memories through our life experiences, waiting to be found again later in life. Yes, there will also be memories of sadness, disappointment, bad decisions, and hurt. These are often the ones we want to forget. But to forget those painful memories may  cause us to make the same mistakes again or be less compassionate to others. 

At a recent memorial service I was listening to the grandchildren share memories of their grandma. As they reminisced out loud, we laughed and we cried. I left that service hoping that the memories I leave for my family, friends, and others are ones that are more positive than negative. That they still laugh when they think of things I did or said, even as they cry through the pain. For the pain is temporary, but the memories are forever.

My Love Goal

My Love Training Ground

Love is more than a feeling. More than saying, “I love you.” More than using the ❤ emoji a million times. Love is action, especially when we don’t feel like it. 

It’s easy to love people when they are like us or are nice to us. Unfortunately we meet a lot of people who do not fit into that category. How about the

• cranky cashier at the grocery store?
• rude teenager living in your home?
• inconsiderate neighbor who let’s their dog poop in your yard? 
• self-centered boyfriend/girlfriend who talks about themselves constantly?
• demanding customer that never leaves a tip?

Cranky, rude, inconsiderate self-centered, demanding. Sounds a lot like me at times. I am thankful that I have people in my life who love me even when I act in ways that are not very loveable. 

My lifetime goal is to love like Jesus loved. I Corinthians 13 guides me and reminds me how to love. Be patient. Be kind. Be content with what I have and don’t boast about it. Serve others and not myself. Keep my anger in check. Forgive others. Always protect, trust, hope, and persevere. It is my goal to practice this love and put it into action.

Some tangible ways that I will practice love are to

• Hold my tongue instead of yelling at my husband in anger.
• Listen to a friend when I have a to-do list a mile long.
• Give my favorite (fill-in-the-blank) to someone in need.
• Say “I’m sorry” unsarcastically (and being truly sorry).
• Answer the phone even when I know it’s going to be a difficult conversation.
• Let the other car have the parking space or hold the door open for someone. 
• ‘Let it go’ when someone is rude to me.

I looked up the lyrics to the Beatles “All You Need Is Love” song (yes, there are other words besides those five). The words “It’s easy” caught my attention. I don’t believe love is easy. It takes work to love people. I know I will not be perfect in reaching my love goal. Sometimes I will fail. During those times, I hope that others will show their love for me by being patient and forgiving me…again. 

DNA = Do Not (over)Analyze

Where I get if from

There are many parts of me that look or act like my dad. Sometimes that’s a good thing and other times I’m not so sure. When I was in my freshman year of college we argued over who was going to buy the outfit I wanted. I was trying to express my independence and he just wanted to show his love for me. He doesn’t remember that stubborn-laden incident, but it’s ingrained in my memory as the first time I realized how much alike we were in more than physical features.

The main trait I believe I received from my mom was emotions. I have embarrassed my kids on more than one occasion because of my emotions, especially crying. I cry when I’m happy, sad, frustrated, nervous, and even when someone else cries. Both of my parents are/were very relational. They always opened their house to people, ministered to those they don’t personally know, and truly loved spending time with others whenever and wherever. My interest in observing, building, and maintaining relationships began with them.

One of the things on My Year of 50 list was to take a DNA test. I received my 23andMe results this month. Not surprising that my ancestry composition was 99.9% European with 75.2% Finnish and 5.7% Italian or that I’m likely to have hazel eyes and light hair. Results that made me laugh were that I would likely consume more caffeine (I don’t drink coffee and not much pop), likely not have dimples (really?), and likely prefers salt (I’ll take ice cream over chips any day). I guess the test can’t be 100% accurate for everyone.

What doesn’t show up on the test results are the emotional and relational traits I feel I received from my parents. I understand these traits could be learned or developed from the environment I grew up in, but my three brothers do not have the same emotional and relational make-up as me. Our two boys have very different personalities and ways in which they deal with life and they both grew up in the same environment. So it makes me wonder how genes influence our emotions, personality, and relationship behaviors.

Time to get a real family photo

Our children have definitely inherited our physical traits and even seem to have similar personalities as us. The youngest is much like me in looks, personality, and actions and many of my husband’s traits are apparent in our oldest son, but they have their own uniqueness as well. Our oldest has larger feet than my husband and our youngest does not have dimples (we both do). I should mention though, they both seem to be much smarter academically than either of us. Did they inherit that recessive gene or did we just do a great job nurturing learning? My guess is it may be both.

Nature and nurture both influence who we are. I didn’t need a DNA test to tell me that, but it was fun to see what information came back. As the boys move ahead into adulthood, I am eager to observe their personalities and relationships. And while I’m in no hurry for grandchildren, I secretly can’t wait to see how their traits and environments manifest themselves in their children.

[Thanks to Elliott for coming up with the title for this blog. I love that kid!]

Younger Me

The first time I heard the beginning of the song ‘Dear Younger Me’ by Mercy Me, I immediately thought about our boys, especially our youngest son who is a mini-me. People say he looks like me. He and I think alike. And he acts a lot like me. (I just wish he didn’t act the not-so-nice parts of me!) As I listened to these lyrics, I thought about him turning 18 this year, leaving for college, and all the adult decisions he’s going to have to make. What should I tell him? How much do I share? Should I let him make his own mistakes?

“Dear younger me

Where do I start

If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far

Then you could be

One step ahead

Of all the painful memories still running thru my head”

Then the next line caught me off guard. “I wonder how much different things would be” and thought maybe the song isn’t about the boys. It might be about me. The next verse clinched it.

“Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life

Or do I go deep

And try to change

The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me

Even though I love this crazy life

Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride”

Yup. It was about me.

When I think of my relationship with myself, there were times that I wasn’t too happy with who I was. There were also times when I was pretty proud of me. In both of these situations, it had little to do with material possessions and more to do with the words I said, the actions I did, and the attitude I had. While I can’t change my past, I can learn (and have) from it. As our boys navigate their adulthood, I hope they also reflect on their choices and learn from each of them.

My Year of 50 Update

#3 Contribute at least 600 miles to my Run 2018 team - I completed 50 miles for January so I’m on track to meeting this goal.

#4 Eat fewer carbohydrates and less sugar and #5 Eat more fruits and veggies - I started the month better than I ended, but this blog reminds me to get me back on track.

#6 Exercise at least five days a week - Maybe not at the level I would have liked, but met the five days a week.

#23 Monthly coffee/drink date with a girlfriend - Spent a night with a fellow quinquagenarian the day after she turned 50.

#25 Post once a week on Instagram/Facebook - Check my accounts.

#28 Read Still Alice - I thought the author was a very good writer. I often felt like I was the main character. Maybe it had to do with her turning 50 and me not remembering things so well.

#30 Reconnect with an old friend - I worked with Dorothy at NMU in the Development Fund office. We attended hockey games and hung out outside of work. She moved to Ohio and we kept in touch for a short time, but then lost touch. We just reconnected on Facebook and hope to meet up again soon. I hope to reconnect with other people this year that I’ve lost touch with.

#32 Send/leave an inspirational note/compliment to someone each week - Done every week. This was harder than I thought. I kept wondering if what I was sending would be received as inspirational or a compliment.

#34 Start a gratitude journal and place an entry every week - Done every week. This was pretty easy. Guess I’m pretty thankful.

#39 Take a yoga or Pilates class - We joined the local YMCA and Fred went to a Pilates class with me. Not crossing this one off the list just yet as I don’t feel one session constitutes a class.

#41 Try a new food every month - I tried butternut squash at a friend’s house and I made spaghetti squash. The rest of the family had regular spaghetti, just like my mom used to do for us. J

#47 Watch at least 10 sunsets - I watched my first sunset in January. It was a frigid cold evening and the red was compacted around where the sun was setting. But the coolest part was this column of red that was beaming straight up from the sun. Wish I could’ve taken a picture but I was driving.

#48 Watch Still Alice and compare to book – I liked the book better.

#49 Write down one positive thing about myself each week - Done every week. This was a little harder than I thought it would be.

#50 Write in my blog every month - Two months down!

It Feels Good to Cry

Today, I cried. I’m not embarrassed though because crying is good for you (just Google benefits of crying). It wasn’t an angry cry or a hopeless cry or a frustrated cry or a sobbing cry or even a grieving cry, although I’ve had many of those over the years. If I had to categorize it, it was a sad cry.

This boy turned 19 today.

Our oldest turned 19 today. Every year, I write each of the boys a letter for their birthday. This isn’t a letter that they open on their birthday, but rather one that I tuck away for the future. The letter is a summary of their past year…milestones, friends, sports, vacations, behaviors, etc. I print it, put it in an envelope, and stick it in their “saving box,” the place where we store keepsakes for them like report cards, writings, art work, and awards. The boys know about the boxes and understand they will receive them when they are “old enough,” which I’m anticipating is when they buy a house and we deliver the boxes with the rest of their childhood “memorabilia.” I don’t scrapbook so these letters are my way of keeping an account of their lives.

It was while I was writing his letter this morning that I cried. As I thought of his first year of college and all that transpired, I was overwhelmed with a mixture of sadness and pride. Sad that he is no longer around all the time yet proud that he is growing into a responsible young adult. He has handled adversity well and has learned some great life lessons this year.

I’m quite the emotional person and have been known to cry easily (to the embarrassment of our kids). I sobbed watching the movie “Up.” (More than once.) Stories of individuals doing something special for others, like caring for the homeless or the TV show Extreme Home Makeover, make me teary. When I see other people cry, I cry. While water ekes out of my eyes in each of these situations, none refresh my soul like a good alone cry. It’s during those times that I reflect, talk to God, and let the tears freely flow. After all, every one of those tears is washing away stress hormones from my body. What’s not good about that?

I know men tend not to cry as often as women, but I hope as our boys become men, they will experience the release that occurs when they allow themselves to cry. Whether they cry alone, with a significant other, or in a room full of people, I hope they find comfort through the tears, just like their mom does.

Vacation Reconnect

Five destinations. Ten days. Twenty-five hundred miles. And we are still talking to one another.

While our high school junior spent Spring Break on a school trip in the Netherlands and our oldest is away at college, my husband and I decided to practice being empty nesters by taking an extended vacation alone. Alone meaning together…in the car…for 10 days. Did I mention 2,500 miles? It wasn’t actually 10 days in the car, more like six travel days of four to nine hours with some local driving at our destinations. And it wasn’t quite alone all the time. Four of the five destinations were spent reconnecting with family and friends.

At our first stop in St. Louis, MO, we had dinner with friends we made while working in Alaska 24 years ago. We reminisced about the past and talked about our jobs, kids, and futures. Our second destination brought us to my brother-in-law’s place. Over this three-day visit, we enjoyed lots of laughs and got to know his fiancé and her children. While in Nashville, TN, we really were alone. We walked, talked, fished, ate great food, and listened to some good music. In Gatlinburg, TN we stayed with friends who rented a house in the mountains for their Spring Break. It was a joy to continue this friendship in such a beautiful part of the country. Our last stop was in Louisville, KY where we caught up with Fred’s sister and brother-in-law. While our families may be close at heart we are geographically distant, so every chance we get to spend together, no matter how short, is worth it.

As I reflect on this trip, I am so grateful for the family and friends God has brought into my life. Relationships are not always easy to develop and sustain. It takes time and when we are raising families, it seems there is never enough time to stay connected. This connection also applies to our marriages. As we near empty nesting, I look back and am reminded how important it is to spend time with one another to cultivate that relationship. As we raised the boys we didn’t always make the time to spend together. Sure, there were lots of family vacations and forced family fun times. Fred and I had occasional dates and special anniversary vacations when we were alone, but no regularly scheduled date nights. I hope we are able to help our boys make date nights a priority when they have kids of their own (preferably many years from now).

This vacation reminded me of a younger us, before kids. Thank goodness we have both grown over our almost 23 years of marriage though. There were plenty of times during this trip that could have been points of contention earlier in our lives. Driving (Do I even need to say the word ‘directions’?) and in the mountains no less; mountain biking (Fred is much more adventurous than me on the trails.); fishing (I haven’t fished since Alaska and don’t have the patience he does.); eating (I need fruits and veggies once in a while!); activities (I tend to have more varied interests than him.). In addition, I didn’t over plan the vacation and Fred didn’t complain about driving. We moved a little slower, went to bed a little earlier, were more patient with one another, and sought to make each other happy. We just might survive life without kids if we keep this up.

Did we miss the kids? Of course, but we texted and talked to them, and bragged about what a great time we were having. In less than 18 months, we will officially be empty nesters. We’ll continue to miss them (on vacation or not), but want them to move on with their lives. Just like us.

Good Grief

“Good grief.” While not the first words that came to mind when our 18 year old sent me a text that he was thinking of going to Florida with his girlfriend and her family for Christmas, they do convey my frustration. “What?! You want to do this the first Christmas you’ve been away at college? I expect there will be Christmases without us all together, but so soon? You’re only 18!”

I am such a hypocrite. I say I’m ready for our kids to be adults, that we’ve done a good job raising them, and that I’m looking forward to spending time with my husband without the daily stress of raising kids. But now that one of our charges is actually an adult, I’m questioning if I’m really ready for the changes that lie ahead. This Christmas I realized I’ve been grieving, for years, the fact that the boys are growing up. I just haven’t accepted it.

Our family photo this Christmas

It’s normal to grieve the changes in life as our children grow up. My conflicting feelings of “I’ve done a good job and they are ready” and “You’re not old enough to be moving on to the next stage in life” are caused because my familiar patterns of life are changing. As I reflected over the lifetime of Christmases we’ve had with the boys, I realize that the familiar patterns really lasted only a brief period of time and new patterns took their place.

• When the boys were young, Christmas was fun and exciting, not just for them but for me. They seemed to enjoy getting and decorating the Christmas tree, they would come to wake us up earlier than we were ready to get up, and we had all sorts of options of gifts for them. This lasted just four or five years.
• In the pre-teen years I began to notice less excitement in hunting for the tree and even less desire to decorate it. While the extra hour or so of sleep was a relief, it came with the price of less anticipation of Christmas morning. Their Christmas gift idea list became smaller so they had a better idea of what they would receive. This phase of Christmases was also short.
• The teen years came with sleeping in until 10:00 or 11:00 on Christmas Day, presents we picked out together because they only wanted one expensive gift, and celebrating early so they can be with someone else on Christmas Eve and Day. We’ve been in this pattern of Christmases (minus the last part) for four years.  

Reflecting on Christmases past has helped me to accept the fact that our oldest child has decided to spend the holidays with someone other than us. This is the next phase of our life. It may be years before a new familiar pattern of life exists for us. Soon there will be two in college followed by daughters-in-law and grandchildren, and with them comes more change.

This recent grief I’ve experienced is not the same as when I lost my mom, but it is a process all the same. Grief is good. It’s a normal, natural reaction to any kind of loss. I am ready to accept this new phase of life with renewed insight. I’m not going to pretend that it’s going to be easy for me. I’m sure there will be times I struggle with the changes, but I hope it gets easier as time goes on. And I know I can always find comfort in family and friends who have already been through it.

Learning to be a Mom of an Adult Child

It’s been a month. Thirty-six days to be exact but I’m not really counting. Last month we dropped off our oldest child, Kyle, at Michigan Tech University, a 7-8 hour drive from home. I expected it to be a weepy goodbye as both my husband and I are quite emotional. To my surprise it wasn’t (mostly because our son couldn’t get us out the door soon enough), and that began a new phase of my life...mothering an adult child.

Dropping Kyle off at college 

I’m sure other mothers can relate. For eighteen years, I’ve spent the majority of my life attentive to his needs, his wants, his health, his schoolwork, his behavior, his friends and girlfriends, his activities, etc. Now that he’s gone, it seems I think about him much more than when he lived at home. That’s probably not true, but when I saw him, even if it was just 5-10 minutes at night, I had confirmation that he was okay. Not hearing from him for days or seeing him for months is new territory for me. Learning comes with new things and here is a summary of what I’ve learned so far in this new journey.

What I miss

• I miss the daily contact and updates. Even if it was just a few minutes in the morning and/or evening, I was able to see him and talk with him about his life. I know there is technology that will allow this to continue to occur, but I’m giving him his space to be an adult.
• I miss watching him play sports, interact with his friends and adults, and obsess over whatever project he started.
• I miss his beautiful smile. And I should since we paid for it!
• I miss his curious, creative nature. Not necessarily the messes he made while being curious and creative though.
• I miss his friends coming over to hang out.
• I miss him taking care of the dog every morning! Just being honest.

What I love about parenting an adult child

At a college visit senior year

• I love the freedom I have to spend more time with my husband. While we still have one more child at home, it is one less person and schedule to work around.
• I love that grocery shopping is easier and less frequent. No longer do I need to get milk three times a week, make spaghetti and tacos at least once a week, or replenish snacks as often.
• I love that the house stays clean longer. I’m sure this is due to our younger son taking over the basement vacated by Kyle so the upstairs (the part I see the most) is easier to keep less cluttered.
• I love that there are less cars in the driveway. As all the men in my family can attest to, I am not the best backer upper. Trying to weave between cars in my driveway is a stressful endeavor for me so his leaving has alleviated some of this stress.
• I especially love when Kyle initiates a call or text conversation. It makes my day whenever I hear from him no matter why he is connecting with me or how long we converse.

What I struggle with

• How do I communicate with him without being intrusive? How often should I or can I contact him? What time during the day or night is okay to call? I’m sure I’m overthinking this, but I want him to know I care without bugging him all the time.
• How do I balance giving him advice without telling him what to do? Over the years we’ve taught him to make his own decisions, but we’ve always been there to help him through them. Now he doesn’t always consult us in his decisions.
• How do I ask questions without being interrogative? I’m interested in what he’s doing and I’m sure there are things I don’t want to know. How do I ask the right questions to hear about his life without making it seem like I’m trying to catch him doing something wrong?
• How do I accept the fact that we’ve done a good job raising him and he’s going to be an honest, hardworking, caring, and productive adult? In my heart I know he will be.

Love that smile!

I think back to when I was a young adult and how my mother treated me. She gave me my space, was there when I needed her, and prayed for me constantly. This is the path I am choosing to take on this new journey. I hope I will be as successful at mothering adult children as she was.