Relationships Matter

Earlier this month, I shared the following story with a group of educators and realized I should use it for a long-overdue blog post. 

I am a self-proclaimed relationship nerd. I don’t have a degree in relationships, but I believe they are the foundation for everything in our lives. In 2013 I even started a blog and have written about my relationship with myself, God, family and friends, food, technology, and much more.

Yesterday I encouraged you to think about the relationships in your life. Raise your hand if a school-related relationship popped into your head. As I reflected on my younger years, I realized how important my school-related relationships were.

My parents were young when I was born, 17 and 20. Throughout my childhood in the UP, my mom stayed at home to raise us and my dad worked long hours to provide for our family. I felt very loved and cared for, but education beyond high school wasn’t discussed nor did we talk about careers.

I remember some of my elementary and middle school teachers as being kind, encouraging, and providing challenging work. Over those years, the teachers showed me that I “was smart” (i.e., I did well on tests and assignments and could follow the rules) and they gave me the courage to try new things. That courage was an important foundation for high school. In those early years, I also made a couple of good friends that I still see today.

Freshman Swimming Photo 😄

We had a pool at our high school. Karen Pedley, the pool PE teacher, encouraged me to join the swim team when I was a freshman. At first, I was afraid, but with my previous successes at trying new things, and Mrs. Pedley’s encouragement, I joined. During those four years, I learned to set goals, developed a desire for physical fitness, and gained leadership skills. I formed new relationships with Coach Pedley and my teammates.

In my junior year, I took accounting. Mr. Hayes, one of the business teachers, saw my potential and asked if I’d like to join BOEC (he was an advisor for the club). Again, my first instinct was to say no even though I liked business courses and had found success in other things. During my two years in BOEC, I gained confidence, a strong work ethic, and even success with two national first-place awards.

I was lucky to have close relationships with other teachers too. But, even with my strong teacher/coach relationships, a close friend base, and the successes I found in high school, I still did not know what I wanted to do after graduation. I planned to join the Navy (my dad is a veteran) until a friend convinced me to try college…for one year.

My college years were not traditional. I started working full-time in an office at Northern Michigan University after the first semester of my sophomore year. When I reflect on the decision to work full-time to pay for college, I’m glad I didn’t listen to my advisor who told me that if I worked full-time, I wouldn’t finish my degree. His comment actually made me determined to prove him wrong. Over the next four years, I was able to apply the business content I was learning to my work. I’m sure this experience helped shape my view of what education should be. The relationships I also developed with my bosses were invaluable and applied to my business degree and relationships in general.

I’m thankful for every person during my “schooling years” who took the time to know me, encourage me, challenge me, and celebrate with me. I share this with you as a reminder that the relationships you build matter. Without the support of the educators in my early life, I know my career path would look much different today. Your students may not talk about you or thank you in the future, but they will remember your relationship.

While this story was designed for educator/student relationships, relationships matter in all areas of our lives. As human beings, we are relational and need others to survive and thrive. A February 2024 Psychology Today article lists 13 different types of relationships we may have in our lives. They include romantic, sexual, family, friends, online, acquaintances, work colleagues, location-based, teacher/student, therapist/client, health care professional/patient, community/faith-based/cultural group, and pets. Take some time to reflect on your relationships and how they matter to you. 

Christmas Traditions

Traditions abound around the holiday season…picking out and decorating a tree, writing letters to Santa, making Christmas cookies, caroling, driving around to see the light displays, watching holiday movies, and spending time with people you love. Over the years our traditions have changed and I’m sure some of yours have too.

Searching for our Christmas tree, 2005

When I was growing up, my grandparents on my mom’s side were divorced and remarried which established some of our family Christmas traditions. (My dad’s parents spent the winter in Florida so we didn’t usually see them at Christmas.) We would attend Christmas Eve service with my grandpa and his family, followed by dinner and presents at his house. Christmas Day was then spent with my grandmother and her husband at our house. They would come over early in the morning for gifts and stay through dinner. I loved these get-togethers and all the people involved. We continued these traditions into my adulthood until my mom passed away.

At the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I tried to keep our family Christmas traditions alive by spending time in the Upper Peninsula with family, his mom and siblings in Detroit, and his dad and family in Kalamazoo. This many-mile triangle became too difficult to sustain once we had kids so we began alternating holidays…a new tradition. One year would be a Kari Thanksgiving with my family and a Sitkins Christmas with my husband’s family. The next year we switched. This tradition has continued for over 20 years, although in smaller gatherings due to life’s cycle.

We created our own traditions with Kyle and Elliott that ended once they moved out (or maybe when they were in high school, see side note)…finding and cutting down a tree, decorating it with Christmas music in the background, Christmas stockings before gifts, and eating monkey bread on Christmas morning. (Side note: Just because you have a tradition does not mean everyone enjoys it the same. I loved decorating the tree together, but I found out the males in this family did not feel the same!)

12 Days 2021

One family tradition I try to keep alive is the 12 Days of Christmas. Our version of the 12 Days is different from most. It begins on December 14 and each gift corresponds to the day…a pair of gloves could be day one (1 pair) or day two (two gloves) or day 10 (10 fingers). When the boys were young, it was much easier because they lived with us and many of the days were food items they wouldn’t normally get. These included Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes, candy, bags of chips, and pop. We also gave them things like a $5 gift card, four quarters, 11 oz. of Pringles. Days 7 and 11 were often the hardest so we sometimes created coupons for movie rentals, books, or other things/activities we could do throughout the winter. As they got older, we added items like socks, deodorant, protein bars, and gift cards for fast food. My 12 Days of Christmas skills are being challenged even more now that they live on their own.

The Sitkins’ 12 Days of Christmas began when the boys were very young. I was a stay-at-home mom and was always looking for something to keep them busy (and learn in the process). The kids and I made things for Fred (their dad) that corresponded to the day…a wreath ornament with eight green balls, five songs they sang on a cassette tape, one play they performed, a coupon for three snow shoveling jobs or 10 back rubs, etc. After a couple of years, we started the 12 Days for the boys, and at some point, abandoned Fred’s but kept the tradition for Kyle and Elliott.

As our children move further into adulthood and have significant others, we will adjust to their schedules and the holiday traditions they create. One of those adjustments will be to the 12 Day of Christmas. They don’t know it yet, but one day the 12 Days tradition will move down a generation. Whether your traditions are just beginning, spans generations, or changing, I hope you find joy in every one of them.

Relationships in Crisis

No, I’m not going to talk about financial management, marital strife, prodigal children, or physical, mental, or emotional abuse. Yes, all these relationship issues can escalate to a crisis and the pandemic has most likely exacerbated those that already existed. I’m taking this to a more personal relationship level. During this current crisis, connecting with my family and friends is not the same.  

I miss hugs!

It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for a lifetime, just met you, or you are a stranger, I’m always in for a hug. I recently ran into a couple of friends at the grocery store and was so excited to see them. My first instinct was to hug them but then I remembered that I shouldn’t. Hugs are reassurance that we care for others, a thank you when someone does something special for you, and comfort when someone is struggling. I think we all could use more of that comfort right now.

Missing this!

I miss physically being with my people!

I miss going out to dinner, playing cards, going to the movies, and having get-togethers. Like many others today, I Google Meet, Zoom, or FaceTime a lot. Video calls are great for seeing people…if you can see them! The screens are just not big enough and I have to wear my reading glasses. What I need is a theater-style set-up where the technology works automatically. Honestly, I’d rather get together where the “screen” is real-life and reading glasses aren’t necessary.

I miss trips to visit friends and family!

Day trip, weekend getaway, or vacation time. Going to see family and friends is something I’ve done my whole life. One of my good friends moved away recently and if it had not been for the pandemic, I would have already traveled there to see her and her new place. We didn’t spend Thanksgiving with family and are trying to decide what to do about Christmas. These are two holidays we have always spent with family.

I know it is my choice to stay physically distant. I do so because I care about others. Not only that, but I’m afraid that once I start spending time with people I won’t want to stop. I (we) will get through this crisis. In the meantime, I’ll try to do a better job connecting through email, text, phone/video call, and more walks. Feel free to reach out to me as well!

To be fair to the pandemic, there has been an upside in some of my relationships during this crisis. My dog is loving the two daily walks and more petting, and my husband and I have spent more time doing new things together like cooking and walking. I hope those things remain once this is over.

Relationship Remodel

Whew! Our marriage survived another remodel project. Fred and I have remodeled an entire house…if we lived in the same house all these years. Over our 25 years of marriage, there have been four houses and multiple home projects. We’ve remodeled a kitchen/living room and another kitchen, added an attached garage, replaced windows, built a couple of patios, added decks, created a mudroom in a section of a garage, built a pole barn (to “replace” the space lost in that garage), and updated (i.e., painting, flooring, trim, etc.) numerous rooms in every house. The latest remodel project…our master bathroom.

I’m a visual person so when my husband says we should blah, blah, blah, I usually wrinkle my nose and say I don’t think I’ll like how that will look. He either sketches a picture or I take a leap of faith (or both) and we go forward with the project. Inevitably, the completed project is much better than the visual I had in my head from his verbal explanation. This last project was no exception.

We practiced a lot of patience during the four-month renovation project…with the process (so many steps had to cure before we could move on!), with items to come in, and with each other. We, meaning mostly my husband, did the work, along with advice and help from our friends. The finished project is better than we imagined.

As I reflected on the project, I came to realize how much renovation/remodel projects are like relationships.

1. Our demolition included taking out the vanity, toilet, tub, and tile floor. While not all relationships have to be brought back to the studs, we often must start over. Go back to the beginning and rebuild. Forgive and move on.
2. Every part of the project had a messy component to it. It seemed like we were always cleaning something up. Like this project, relationships can be messy. Disagreements. Distrust. Miscommunication. Healthy relationships deal with the messes as they happen to keep the “project” going.
3. Often remodel projects take longer than planned. At about the three-month marker, we were ready to be done. If we chose to stop at that point, we would have a half-bath in our master bedroom. When we get tired of fighting through the tough parts of our relationships, it’s worth remembering that there is something better and beautiful if we don’t give up.
4. Every project cost something…time, money, patience. And sometimes those costs are more than we expect. Sounds a lot like relationships. Giving of yourself, being patient, and holding your tongue (I’m talking to me here), are often difficult to sustain. But they are also good investments to make in a relationship.
5. A weight off his shoulders. A deep, fresh breath for me. That’s what it felt like to complete our remodel project. And we celebrated. Dinner. A toast. A relaxing weekend talking about what we can do now in our free time. When we get to the other side of difficult times in our relationships we need to remember to celebrate. Celebrate that the relationship remains. Thank God for the opportunity to grow as a couple. Talk about your future together.

We all face project (trials) in our relationships. Financial struggles, infidelity, emotional instability, loss of loved ones, gross misunderstandings, and much more. Some projects just need a new paint job. Not to cover over the issue, but to bring a new fresh perspective. Other times we may need to tear it down to the studs and start over. Our relationships improve, grow stronger, and become deeper when we work through every part of the remodel process.

My husband and I have a list of house projects we would like to eventually accomplish. That list gives us something to look forward to together. I also know each project will give me an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with him. I love this “house” we’ve built together, no matter where it lives.

You want me to do what?

/rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/: The way in which two or more people regard and behave toward one another. (lexico.com) The reason I am passionate about relationships is that they are part of everything we do. Every time we interact with someone, whether physically or online, we are in a relationship. No, not the Facebook or cultural “in a relationship,” but “the way two or more people behave toward one another” relationship.

Not all relationships are lengthy or deeply personal like we have with our families, marriages, and close friends. But they all require love. I once saw a photo of a church sign that said, “Just love them all. I’ll sort them out later.” Love. Them. All. ‘All’ includes your difficult family members, an unreasonable neighbor, your impatient boss, the crazy homeless person you see on your way to work, and everyone else we come in contact with.

I want to love ALL like God loves me. That means those with opposite lifestyles, multiple personalities, and different opinions. It’s easy to love people who are like me, agree with me, and love me back. But how do I love imperfect people (myself included)? I believe it’s a combination of I Corinthians 13 and Matthew West’s song Do Something. I Corinthians 13 tells me how and the song tells me to take action.

Here is how I’ve applied, and continue to apply, I Corinthians 13: 4-7 to my relationships:

Be patient: Patience is not something that comes easy to me, but I’ve had many situations to practice patience. God taught me patience through an independent toddler, an inclination to say “yes” too often, and more ways than I'd like to admit to. I still hear His voice when I’m frustrated with long lines, traffic, and people. 😊

Be kind: Like the Good Samaritan story (Luke 10:25-37), I am called to be kind in my relationships. I try to open doors, smile more, and make conversation (or just say ‘hi’). Being kind includes helping my spouse or friend and listening instead of talking.

Do not be envious: Love is not envious of others' possessions, careers, kids, brains, talents, etc. As I get older, I’ve learned to be content with what God has given me. When I focus on what I do not have, I am unhappy. And my unhappiness does not lead to loving others.

Do not boast or be proud: It is okay to be proud of the person God made me and how He uses me, but when my focus is on being better than others, then I am not showing love. 

Do not dishonor others: God has shown me that my mouth is capable of dishonoring others. The words I use or the way I say those words have humiliated, demeaned, or hurt other people. I am not perfect, but I’m learning to hold my tongue more. 

Do not be self-seeking: Rather than insisting on doing what I want to do, I show love by going out to dinner where my kids would prefer to go, by giving of my time to volunteer at the homeless shelter, and by taking care of the day-to-day duties of running our home without complaining.

Do not be easily angered: When I have over-committed and get stressed out, I find myself getting angry more quickly and often say things I don’t mean. I have to make a concerted effort to remember to love the driver in front of me, the grocery store clerk, or just about anyone who is slowing me down to get things accomplished.

Keep no record of wrongs: This is forgiving and letting it go. I distinctly remember asking God how many times I needed to forgive “this person” for the same ‘wrong.’ It may be hard to believe, but I heard Him say “seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22) What’s amazing is that when I continue to forgive, even for the same issue, I never get to seventy times seven (yes, I’ve tried counting). 🙄

Do not rejoice in wrongdoing: When I hurt someone, make a mistake, or do something wrong, I fess up to it (most of the time). My relationships are only healthy when I am truthful. Also, not celebrating or gloating (even internally) when someone else messes up falls in this category.

Always protect: I’m a mom. Watching out for people like they are my kids isn’t too difficult. But standing up for others when their shortcomings are revealed is harder. In these situations, I try to see life from their perspective and protect them by not adding more negativity to the fire.

Always trust: When someone hurts me, it is easy to not want to trust them again. But love calls me to always trust, not to be suspicious. I’ll admit this isn’t always easy, yet I believe it is the right thing to do. For my relationships that are not close and personal, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been in places in my life where I have not been at my best and I hope others have done the same for me.

Always hope: Hope is a confident belief in something unseen. Expressing my confidence in my husband’s and children’s abilities and potential, is part of loving them. Believing that people will change, that circumstances will get better, and that there is something better beyond this world are what keep me always hoping.

Always persevere: Over my lifetime, I’ve encountered difficult times in various relationships. I can honestly say that persevering through those times has been worth it in the long run. This devotion by Sharon Jaynes reiterates that fact (at least in marriages) when it states, “86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier.”

I do not love perfectly in any of my relationships. I often find myself asking God, “Why?” Why do I have to…? Why don’t they…? Why me? And “You want me to do what?” His answer is always “Because I love you. Don’t you want others to feel that love too?” And I do. 

25-Year Love Letter

This summer, Fred and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We visited the beach where we got married, stayed at The Homestead where we stayed on our wedding night, and spent some time reminiscing about our time together. Our literal and figurative stroll down memory lane highlighted how much has changed in 25 years.

I started reflecting on our quarter century together when I came to the realization that our oldest son was turning the same age as Fred was when we met. For some reason my beau-to-be seemed older than what I want to believe my son is now. Then I realized…he could meet his future wife any time! This, of course, led to a list of things I want our boys to remember when "seeking" and marrying a spouse. 

• Put your relationship with God first. Human relationships are not forever. Humans are faulty. Spouses leave. Death occurs. God will be there through all your trials and successes. Spend time working on this relationship.
• Know yourself before choosing a partner...what you like/dislike, what is important to you in relationships, where you envision your future, how important your parents are to you 😉, etc. Don't define yourself by the person you choose (see first bullet).
• Choose a partner wisely. While it may be hard to see beyond the initial infatuation
  
  and passion, look for a friend who is going to stick it out for the long haul. Someone who will stretch your comfort zone, who shares your values, and encourages you to grow. Look for traits like patience, forgiveness, and unselfishness. You’ll notice these the more time you spend with someone.
• Make your relationship with your spouse a priority, every day and especially during the tough times. You may disagree about family, friendships, and finances (maybe even politics). You'll navigate emotions, physical ailments, and spiritually battles. It's during those tough times that you need someone who makes your relationship a priority (see third bullet). Also, remember trials are temporary even if it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through them.
• Communicate regularly. This may be one of the most difficult parts of your relationship, but it's one of the most important. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking or assume you know what she is thinking. Talk about your day, your plans, your future. Celebrate your victories. Share your struggles. And listen to hers.
• Seek wise and mature counsel. I often wonder how my parents and grandparents stayed married so long. Our 25 years isn't even half my grandparents' marital success, yet I am learning what it takes. Don't be afraid to reach out to experienced couples. You're not the first to go through whatever you're going through.

I read a devotion this summer that said marriage is “about sacrifice. It is about caring for the needs of someone else above your own. It is about believing in the impossible when your hope is all but gone. It’s about asking God to give you wisdom and then having the courage to change when he reveals the problem is you.” I’d like to say that in 25 years the problem was never me, but that would be a lie. In fact, I’m thankful for the positive changes I’ve seen in me. Let’s hope Fred does too because I’d like to make it another 25 years.

Who Do You Know?

It may have been on my work reading list for a year, but I finally finished Who You Know by Julia Freeland Fisher. While the book’s focus is on the social capital of students and how schools can help them develop their networks, I could relate many of the concepts to my own life. In addition to the book, volunteering at the local homeless shelter has opened my eyes to the fact that there are people who haven’t been as fortunate in developing their networks and relationships. I feel blessed to know the people I do.

Below are a few concepts from the book that resonated with me. 

My strong ties

• Strong and Weak Ties: There are people who I am close to and share much of my life with…my husband, children, dad, close family and friends. These strong ties are the people who I confide in, who support me when I need it, and just plain put up with me on a regular basis. I also have a network of weak ties…extended family, friends from high school and college, past colleagues and students, and those who have impacted a portion of my life. These ties are not weak in a sense that they are less important, but the role they play in my life is different than the strong ties. (See Value of Networks below.)
• Inherited Networks: I was born into a specific social infrastructure. For much of my youth, who I knew was determined by my parents. My parents valued family so I knew my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even extended family. We also had a network of church friends. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that not everyone was as fortunate to have these types of inherited networks. As an adult, I added to my network from my college experiences, work experiences, and life interests.
• Value of Networks: The books shares how our networks help provide information, influence, social credibility, and identity for us. If it was not for the weak tie of a past boss who provided information (i.e., shared the opportunity) and influence (i.e., gave a recommendation), who also had social credibility with this person, I would not be doing the work I am doing today. I’ve received consulting work from the recommendation of some of my weak ties. While my strong ties are important for my personal life, it is often my weak ties that have helped me in my career.
• Technology: I resisted Facebook until 2009 when my brother refused to email me pictures of my nephew because that’s where he shared them. My LinkedIn account became active when I decided to look for a new job seven years ago. I know many people who have met their mate on a dating site. Texting, conference calls, and webinars are part of my daily routine. Technology has allowed me to connect and stay connected much easier than in the past. It has also made my work much more efficient. While I love these tools, I still have a strong desire to spend time with people conversing face-to-face.

Since finishing the book, I’ve reflected on my networks over the years. If not for an insistent business teacher in high school, I would not have started on a path that has led to so many opportunities for me in ways that I did not expect. Had I not worked my way through college, I would not have had the chance to learn so much from the individuals who took me under their wings. While I could make the argument that who I knew did not introduce me to my husband, in a round-about way it did…(If I didn’t have a college professor who found a summer internship for me where I met a good friend who convinced me to look for a local job, I wouldn’t have met my husband at said job.) 🙂

My favorite research from the book was a study done over more than half a century. People from Harvard grads to inner city individuals were interviewed. The study found that people who were most satisfied with their relationships at 50 years old were the healthiest at 80 years old. This may be interesting to me because I am 50 years old and love my relationships…all of them…strong and weak, short- and long-term. Each has helped define who I am, and I’ve learned so much from them. It may also be interesting to me because I hope to live to be at least 80. 😉

As our boys begin their adulthood, I hope that they work on strengthening their strong ties and continue to build their weak ones. Their networks, beyond what they inherited from us, are further along than either my husband or I were at their ages. Being involved in Young Life and the fraternity has introduced them to many people that can help them in their careers and in life. I’m proud of them for seeking out these networks and hope they know that their strongest tie (i.e., mom/me) will always be here when they need it.

The End of My 50 List

The end of 2018 closed out My 50 List. Twelve months of my life over. The 12 that I dedicated to doing things I put off for years. It wasn’t so much of a checklist (I didn’t complete all 50 items on the list) as it was an intentionality list. I intentionally made the effort to make as many of them happen as I could. For my family and friends who have been wondering how it all shook out, here’s a quick summary.

Travel

On boat to Lilac Festival

The list actually started because, for years, I said I wanted to visit or go to certain places like the Lilac Festival on Mackinac Island and hike on Isle Royale. Each trip had special significance because of the people I shared each of them with. I did all but hike Grand Island (Munising, MI). This coming summer, I hope my husband and I will be able to bike around the island.

Books/Movies

In addition to travel, reading and watching movies for pleasure were reasons I created the list. I read every book on the list, along with a couple of extras. I still have many work-related books on a list. Maybe I’ll get to them this year. ;-} In addition to reading, I watched more movies this year than I have since my senior year in high school. I love watching movies and would like to take more time to do so.

Food/Exercise

Cold run in April

I also love to eat, but this year I made a conscious effort to eat better. Overall, I think I was pretty successful, even if I didn’t lose any weight (not on the list – Ha!). I even tried a new food each month, most that I liked. [Pastrami, not a fan.] I enjoy exercising, but dealing with plantar fasciitis (or something going on with my foot/ankle) made it a little more difficult this year. I kept at it the best I could by finding alternative ways to exercise besides running and walking.

Successes

I completed 46 on the list (sort of…see Struggles). I started volunteering at the homeless shelter which I continue to do. Even with my foot issue, I was able to contribute 600 miles to my Run the Year group and completed 50k in running races. I had to do a cold 5k trail run at the beginning of December just to get those 50 in, but I finished!

Struggles

The weekly entries I tried to make for gratitude, positive things about me, and encouragement/inspire were hard to keep up. Sometimes it felt forced because I hadn’t done it by the end of the week or couldn’t remember if I did. I like to think I am grateful, give praise and encouragement, and think positively about myself, but regularly writing it down made me question that. Two of the four items on my list didn’t get completed. These were in relation to my heritage. While I did take an ancestry test, I didn’t learn more about my family history or Finnish and Italian words.

While I am still 50 years old until the end of June, the calendar year I turned 50 is over and with it My 50 List. I am not eager to create a 51 list, but hope to continue to do more of what I enjoy with family and friends. Thank you all for sharing in my list last year (or at least for putting up with me as I went through it).

❤ = love, sort of

Long before the heart emoji existed, many people, including me, drew hearts to express their love. I put hearts at the end of letters and in cards. I included hearts on notes to my parents and friends. I wrote hearts in my school notebooks next to names of boys I liked. While those hearts represented my love at the time, I knew very little of what love was.

Rarely do I hear the words ‘What is love?’ and not hear the song by Haddaway in my head or think about the Night at the Roxbury skit. Type in ‘love’ in Google and you will get 13.16 billion results. Songs, books, movies, news stories, psychological articles, nonprofits, sites that sell love/love-related items, and more. It’s quite a popular topic. Look at the definition of love and you’ll find it is a noun (e.g., a feeling, a person, or a score in tennis), yet it is shown through our actions (i.e., a verb).  

Love, of course, is more than a feeling. People fall in and out of the ‘love feeling’ all the time. When we love others, it doesn’t mean we’ll never get hurt or that we’ll never hurt others. We love our children, but they probably think we hurt them when they are disciplined. I’m guilty of hurting my husband, children, and friends by saying mean things to them. Having “tough love” by not fixing the mistakes our loved ones make is not easy to do either. It really is hard to love at times.

I want to love better. #37 on My 50 List is ‘Study love as described in the Bible.’ Throughout 2018, my studying consisted of morning devotions about love (some but not all). I also read the book Love Like That: 5 Relationship Secrets From Jesus by Les Parrott III. And I’ve read 1 Corinthians 13 in different translations. Yes, I could have studied more, and even though 2018 is over, I plan to continue to learn more about love.

According to The Message, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says [bolding is mine]

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This message seems counter to what we learn in our world today… it’s okay to be impatient with the waitress or the car in front of you or the cashier at the grocery store; every commercial encourages you to be better than others; keep up with the Jones’ of social media; be angry with others whose opinions differ from yours.

Since I was a youth, I heard and read the above Corinthians verses. Reading the words isn’t the same as living them and it wasn’t until about six years ago that I started to really internalize them. I asked God for years to give me patience. Then I read somewhere that God doesn’t GIVE us patience, He helps us through situations so we LEARN patience. I realized that I “coveted” more than I thought (e.g., better hair, more money, less weight, etc.). When I’m tired or stressed, I lash out at others. And I would love to erase the mental list of wrongs done to me. When I truly study the love list, I have much room for improvement.

As a physical reminder about wanting to love better, I chose to get a tattoo (#10 on My 50 List). The tattoo I chose is an infinity symbol with a cross and a heart, located on my wrist so I see it every day. It’s a reminder to me that I want to love continually but I need help in doing so and I get that help through my faith. I’d like to love unconditionally. I’d like to always follow the love instructions in 1 Corinthians 13. Yet I know that I will sometimes (maybe often) fail. And that’s okay as long as I keep seeking help from God to learn a little more about loving others. Even though I know I won’t be able to love perfectly, it’s something I will strive toward beyond My 50 List (and beyond the ❤ emoji).

Learning through Life’s Struggles

There he was. On his stomach. Grunting and groaning, whining and fussing. His head bobbed up and down. His arms and legs whipped all around. He stretched and strained, but he could not move across the floor.

We bought a camcorder the summer our first child was born. Over nine years, we accumulated 30 hours of our life on tape. Not wanting to lose those memories, I recently converted the 15 8mm tapes to digital. Of course I had to start watching the recordings to make sure they were actually converted. 😉 Oh the hours of our adorable baby on those first few tapes! (Three for just his first five months!)

In that first year of our oldest son’s life, I watched as he strained to control his arms and hands, learned to swallow cereal, struggled to roll over, and figured out how to comfort himself. It took him more than one or two minutes, and more than one or two times, before he mastered each of these skills. To be honest, there were parts of the video where I was telling my younger self to put down the camera and pick him up! But it was in those struggles where his learning occurred.

Isn’t that life? We struggle with problems, obstacles, and pain in our lives. We complain when life gets difficult, forgetting that there is a lesson in each of those situations. The older I get, the more I understand how the struggles in my life have helped me to grow. I’m not saying I liked the struggles, but I am pretty proud to have successfully come out on the other side a wiser, patient, and more empathetic person.

Many of the lessons in my life have taken more than one or two minutes, and more than one or two struggles, to learn. Holding my tongue, being patient with others, and understanding that I’m not in control have taken many years to acquire (at times I still have to work on them). Through these life lessons, I’ve also grown in my relationship with God. My faith has become stronger as I’ve learned to trust Him when life is hard. Learning to trust God was a lesson in itself.

Our sons no longer have the struggles they did as infants, but they will continue to have struggles. Adult problems. Financial. Physical. Mental. Relational. Career. I hope they reach out to us when they are hurting. I want them to look for the lesson in each hardship. And I pray that they seek God to walk with them through difficult times.

What do you remember?

On the 30th of this month my mom would have turned 68 years old. While there are many times throughout the year that I think of her, my thoughts wander there more often in September. I wonder what advice she'd share with me about having adult children, how many wrinkles she would have on her face, whether her general health would be good, and who she would still be ministering to. I miss spending time with her, seeing her beautiful smile, holding her soft hands, eating her delicious home-made spaghetti noodles, and being amazed by the multitude of craft projects she had "going" at one time. 

Life gives us memories and reminders of those moments. I have a few pictures of my mom around the house. They remind me of special events or just the wonderful person she was. When I make pasties or spaghetti or use one of her recipe cards, memories of her fill my head. Often these memories are not tied to a physical object she owned or gave to me but rather stored in my mind, waiting for a trigger to bring them back like when I hear a song I think she would enjoy. 

While 11:11 reminds me of my late father-in-law and I think of my late grandpa when Stannard Rock is mentioned, not all reminders are related to those who are no longer with us. I think of my aunt when I see a rainbow, my in-law family when I see/hear fart jokes, and a good friend when I drive past an A&W. 

We gather all these memories through our life experiences, waiting to be found again later in life. Yes, there will also be memories of sadness, disappointment, bad decisions, and hurt. These are often the ones we want to forget. But to forget those painful memories may  cause us to make the same mistakes again or be less compassionate to others. 

At a recent memorial service I was listening to the grandchildren share memories of their grandma. As they reminisced out loud, we laughed and we cried. I left that service hoping that the memories I leave for my family, friends, and others are ones that are more positive than negative. That they still laugh when they think of things I did or said, even as they cry through the pain. For the pain is temporary, but the memories are forever.

Active Aging

Our trail companion

My husband and I started our empty nesting with a trip to Isle Royale National Park and the Apostle Islands (WI) this past week. Prior to children, we had been pretty adventurous people. We hiked, biked, rock climbed, white water rafted, and even spent a summer working in Alaska. I’ve been looking forward to returning to many of these activities after the boys were on their own.

During this eight day excursion we hiked, biked, kayaked, and walked. Throughout the trip I came to a few realizations about my current “adventurous” self. 

1. I’m not quite as “active” as I used to be [and that’s okay]. 
2. I still like the challenge of these activities.
3. I can [and want to] do these activities.

We saw lots of people with large backpacks going to Isle Royale on the ferry. I started to feel like a wimp as we chose to stay in the Lodge. Fred reminded me that it was okay. We had done plenty of tent camping in the past and it’s not like we were staying at the Ritz. (The Lodge was equivalent to a normal budget hotel room.) And he was right. When it rained the first night, I was thankful for my warm, dry room (with a bathroom).

Isle Royale

I try to remain active by walking, biking, and swimming. I know I could be doing these at a more intensive level and grasped that even more on this trip. Back in my twenties I had a lot more stamina both during the activity and for the entire day. I also wasn’t as sore and achy after physical exertion. During this trip, I found myself being more cautious with my footing as we hiked and climbed rocks. Where I used to bound down the trail or from one rock to another, my brain and body now told me to take it slow.

After spending 20 years raising kids and focusing on activities that interested them, I had begun to wonder if I’d find enjoyment in my interests anymore. Those fears were dispelled on this trip. Getting to the top of the trail and overlooking Lake Superior or exploring a sea cave in a kayak was still exhilarating (I even giggled when ducking down to go through a small sea cave...twice!). While the trail sometimes seemed long or the rain put a damper on the view, the feeling of accomplishment made it worth the discomfort.

Apostle Islands

Even though I’m not as active as I used to be and not nearly in the shape I’d like to be, I realized I’m still able to do these types of activities. More than that, I want to do them. It doesn’t matter to me if I’m slower than before, I want the challenge and the high that comes with it. I’m not sure we’ll go back to Isle Royale (there are so many places I’d like to see), but if we do, I’d consider hiking from one end of the island to the other (40 miles). There were lots of retired people enjoying the activities the outdoors provided. That gives me encouragement that 10-15 years in the future, I will still be able to hike, bike, kayak, etc. I hope Fred and I have many opportunities to continue to challenge our active selves in this empty nesting phase of our life.

Note to our boys: You’re never too old to explore new places. You would love exploring both of these places so put them on your bucket list.

Peace at Home

About this time every summer life gets overly busy. I over-fill our evenings and weekends with very little time to relax at home. Maybe subconsciously I think summer is almost over and try to cram in as much as possible. Honestly though, I think it’s just me. I like being busy. Whether it is exercising, hanging out with family and friends, or just going somewhere, count me in! (With all this fun, where do I find time to do house chores?)  😉

I used to blame the busyness on the kids and their schedules. But the boys have cars so I can’t blame it on driving them around. They also have summer jobs where they work just as much as me. Their free time is spent with friends (and they don’t usually invite me). And to top it off, this summer our oldest stayed at college. There’s no one to blame for the schedule but myself. “What’s so bad about being busy anyway?” says our 18-year old who does the same thing as me.

I love weeks like this.

The problem with not controlling my schedule is I can get cranky, ignore my family, and become short-tempered. I don’t eat as well, exercise as hard, or think as clearly as when I “schedule” rest. Another problem is it leads to a frustrated husband because I over-scheduled myself, or us, again. When my/our schedule is overbooked, there is a shortage of peace in our home.

In June, I read a daily devotion titled “Love Lives Here.” It was about being intentional about creating peace in your own home. The author shared three ways (bolded below) to create that peace.

• Speak words that build peace. My mouth is probably the biggest culprit when it comes to a peace-less home environment. Yes, I tell my family that I love them or am proud of them or even that I forgive them. And I mean it when I say it. Yet I have to continually work to keep from nagging them, snapping at them, or saying hurtful things to them especially when I overschedule our lives.
• Create a home that promotes peace. If this was the only item the author suggested, we should have plenty of peace in our home. We eat healthy meals together and often invite others to join us. I control the clutter (at least when I “let go” of the boys’ bedrooms) and I stick to our budget. Helping each other with projects and tasks, taking family vacations, and communicating shows that we care about one another. We’ve even developed systems that keep chaos at bay like the last one to empty the Kool-Aid pitcher makes more. When the boys were little I instituted a system for breakfast or dinner so planning would be easier (e.g., Personal Pizza Sunday, Toast or Taco Tuesday, Waffle Wednesday, Find-your-own-food Friday, etc.). Tending a garden was also suggested to promote peace, but I find little peace in my flower beds.
• Be a woman who promotes peace. To promote peace in our home, my response to those I love needs to be peaceful, especially in times when I feel taken for granted, left out, or hurt in some way. My initial knee-jerk reaction is to use my words to tell them how I feel (see first bullet). When I take the time to clench my mouth shut and think through the issue, my actual response is much more loving and peaceful.

The peace-meter in our home may have reached the yellow zone last week. I saw the warning signs and realized I need to make intentional decisions to say no to additional commitments or at minimum, check my words and actions. I like a peaceful home (Who wouldn’t?!) and when I feel peace here, it’s easier to bring that peace to those outside my home.

Note to our family and friends: I don’t want this message to be misconstrued. We love to get together with you. The scheduling issue is more of an attitude check for me. Keep asking us to do things with you!

My Love Goal

My Love Training Ground

Love is more than a feeling. More than saying, “I love you.” More than using the ❤ emoji a million times. Love is action, especially when we don’t feel like it. 

It’s easy to love people when they are like us or are nice to us. Unfortunately we meet a lot of people who do not fit into that category. How about the

• cranky cashier at the grocery store?
• rude teenager living in your home?
• inconsiderate neighbor who let’s their dog poop in your yard? 
• self-centered boyfriend/girlfriend who talks about themselves constantly?
• demanding customer that never leaves a tip?

Cranky, rude, inconsiderate self-centered, demanding. Sounds a lot like me at times. I am thankful that I have people in my life who love me even when I act in ways that are not very loveable. 

My lifetime goal is to love like Jesus loved. I Corinthians 13 guides me and reminds me how to love. Be patient. Be kind. Be content with what I have and don’t boast about it. Serve others and not myself. Keep my anger in check. Forgive others. Always protect, trust, hope, and persevere. It is my goal to practice this love and put it into action.

Some tangible ways that I will practice love are to

• Hold my tongue instead of yelling at my husband in anger.
• Listen to a friend when I have a to-do list a mile long.
• Give my favorite (fill-in-the-blank) to someone in need.
• Say “I’m sorry” unsarcastically (and being truly sorry).
• Answer the phone even when I know it’s going to be a difficult conversation.
• Let the other car have the parking space or hold the door open for someone. 
• ‘Let it go’ when someone is rude to me.

I looked up the lyrics to the Beatles “All You Need Is Love” song (yes, there are other words besides those five). The words “It’s easy” caught my attention. I don’t believe love is easy. It takes work to love people. I know I will not be perfect in reaching my love goal. Sometimes I will fail. During those times, I hope that others will show their love for me by being patient and forgiving me…again. 

Intentional Living

My Year of 50 list was created to help me be intentional about things I wanted to accomplish this year...nearby places I’ve wanted to see, books I put off reading, and activities I kept saying I would do. I’ve always been a list maker and used to be a better goal setter so this list is a combination of both for the year I turn 50.

Now that one-third of the year is over I started analyzing the list and noting my accomplishments. What I realized is not how many boxes I’ve checked off but that life has been a lot less stressful and more enjoyable. I’ve taken the time to slow down and spend more time with my husband and friends. I worry less when my agenda goes awry or my to-do list is left undone. I’m not even that stressed about completing the 50 list (well maybe just a little). It’s not that I never get worked up anymore, but I feel that it’s a lot less often than it used to be. Here is my analysis of the list up to this point in the year. 

My Boyne City-Petoskey Girls

• Intentional girlfriend time has been a blessing for me. When our boys were younger and life was more chaotic I didn’t always take the time to connect with my gender unless we were with our kids. In April I had the honor of celebrating my long-time friend’s early 50^th birthday for an extended weekend in Las Vegas. Over most of our 42-year friendship, Paula and I have lived geographically apart so it was extra special to get away for girl-time. I was also able to celebrate the birthday of my neighborhood friend and running encourager, Marianne, in April. In May I caught up with my niece, Brina, over lunch, and spent a night celebrating birthdays with a host of girlfriends from Boyne City and Petoskey. During our time together we laugh, sometimes cry, reminisce, and talk. A lot. I’m thankful for all the girls in my life. You have no idea how much you mean to me.
•  I have been eating more fruits and vegetables and sometimes in place of my carbohydrates (that’s checking off two things on the list!). My new foods though haven’t always fallen in the healthy column. While on Spring Break in March I tried an alligator tail appetizer…breaded and fried. It was a little chewier than chicken nuggets but not as tough as fried clams. I doubt I’ll order them again. Las Vegas introduced me to gelato at Caesars Palace and a hot tamale at a restaurant called VegeNation. (I’m also checking off ‘a restaurant out of my comfort zone’ because I wouldn’t choose a vegan restaurant on my own.) Gelato and hot tamales both get a thumbs up. Brina and I shared fried dill pickles (Did I try them in college?) and we had eggplant for dinner one night. I’ll definitely make eggplant again.

  

  Hot Tamales

•  As a child I was a voracious reader. I read all the time. Even under my covers with a flashlight when my parents enforced bedtime. (Does that have anything to do with my terrible nearsightedness?) Over the years, I’ve put kids, jobs, and other things in front of reading. Putting books on my 50 list made me prioritize reading again. A classic novel is the only one left on my list, but I did read a bonus book in April and have two others sitting on the coffee table waiting to be read yet this year.
• Exercising at least five days a week has become normal even if some of those days are slow yoga or weight lifting. Getting into the pool for lap swims is something I look forward to each week. I’ve completed 25k of my 50k goal in organized runs/races and over 200 of the 600 miles for my Run the Year team. Plantar fasciitis has been a nagging issue this whole time though so I’m going to take a break from running for a few months to try to let it heal. The new plan is to ride my bike and swim more in place of running.

While analyzing my list it became apparent to me that everything on it had to do with relationships and not just the one with myself. Sure, more girl-time is definitely relational, but trying new foods or watching sunsets are also more fun when you do them with someone else. Even blogging every month has to do with my relationship with my kids (I’m hoping one day my boys will relate to something I share). Throughout the remainder of the year I will continue to be intentional about completing My Year of 50 list (for myself) and enjoy the bonus of spending more time with others in the process. Life is good!

DNA = Do Not (over)Analyze

Where I get if from

There are many parts of me that look or act like my dad. Sometimes that’s a good thing and other times I’m not so sure. When I was in my freshman year of college we argued over who was going to buy the outfit I wanted. I was trying to express my independence and he just wanted to show his love for me. He doesn’t remember that stubborn-laden incident, but it’s ingrained in my memory as the first time I realized how much alike we were in more than physical features.

The main trait I believe I received from my mom was emotions. I have embarrassed my kids on more than one occasion because of my emotions, especially crying. I cry when I’m happy, sad, frustrated, nervous, and even when someone else cries. Both of my parents are/were very relational. They always opened their house to people, ministered to those they don’t personally know, and truly loved spending time with others whenever and wherever. My interest in observing, building, and maintaining relationships began with them.

One of the things on My Year of 50 list was to take a DNA test. I received my 23andMe results this month. Not surprising that my ancestry composition was 99.9% European with 75.2% Finnish and 5.7% Italian or that I’m likely to have hazel eyes and light hair. Results that made me laugh were that I would likely consume more caffeine (I don’t drink coffee and not much pop), likely not have dimples (really?), and likely prefers salt (I’ll take ice cream over chips any day). I guess the test can’t be 100% accurate for everyone.

What doesn’t show up on the test results are the emotional and relational traits I feel I received from my parents. I understand these traits could be learned or developed from the environment I grew up in, but my three brothers do not have the same emotional and relational make-up as me. Our two boys have very different personalities and ways in which they deal with life and they both grew up in the same environment. So it makes me wonder how genes influence our emotions, personality, and relationship behaviors.

Time to get a real family photo

Our children have definitely inherited our physical traits and even seem to have similar personalities as us. The youngest is much like me in looks, personality, and actions and many of my husband’s traits are apparent in our oldest son, but they have their own uniqueness as well. Our oldest has larger feet than my husband and our youngest does not have dimples (we both do). I should mention though, they both seem to be much smarter academically than either of us. Did they inherit that recessive gene or did we just do a great job nurturing learning? My guess is it may be both.

Nature and nurture both influence who we are. I didn’t need a DNA test to tell me that, but it was fun to see what information came back. As the boys move ahead into adulthood, I am eager to observe their personalities and relationships. And while I’m in no hurry for grandchildren, I secretly can’t wait to see how their traits and environments manifest themselves in their children.

[Thanks to Elliott for coming up with the title for this blog. I love that kid!]