Good Grief

“Good grief.” While not the first words that came to mind when our 18 year old sent me a text that he was thinking of going to Florida with his girlfriend and her family for Christmas, they do convey my frustration. “What?! You want to do this the first Christmas you’ve been away at college? I expect there will be Christmases without us all together, but so soon? You’re only 18!”

I am such a hypocrite. I say I’m ready for our kids to be adults, that we’ve done a good job raising them, and that I’m looking forward to spending time with my husband without the daily stress of raising kids. But now that one of our charges is actually an adult, I’m questioning if I’m really ready for the changes that lie ahead. This Christmas I realized I’ve been grieving, for years, the fact that the boys are growing up. I just haven’t accepted it.

Our family photo this Christmas

It’s normal to grieve the changes in life as our children grow up. My conflicting feelings of “I’ve done a good job and they are ready” and “You’re not old enough to be moving on to the next stage in life” are caused because my familiar patterns of life are changing. As I reflected over the lifetime of Christmases we’ve had with the boys, I realize that the familiar patterns really lasted only a brief period of time and new patterns took their place.

• When the boys were young, Christmas was fun and exciting, not just for them but for me. They seemed to enjoy getting and decorating the Christmas tree, they would come to wake us up earlier than we were ready to get up, and we had all sorts of options of gifts for them. This lasted just four or five years.
• In the pre-teen years I began to notice less excitement in hunting for the tree and even less desire to decorate it. While the extra hour or so of sleep was a relief, it came with the price of less anticipation of Christmas morning. Their Christmas gift idea list became smaller so they had a better idea of what they would receive. This phase of Christmases was also short.
• The teen years came with sleeping in until 10:00 or 11:00 on Christmas Day, presents we picked out together because they only wanted one expensive gift, and celebrating early so they can be with someone else on Christmas Eve and Day. We’ve been in this pattern of Christmases (minus the last part) for four years.  

Reflecting on Christmases past has helped me to accept the fact that our oldest child has decided to spend the holidays with someone other than us. This is the next phase of our life. It may be years before a new familiar pattern of life exists for us. Soon there will be two in college followed by daughters-in-law and grandchildren, and with them comes more change.

This recent grief I’ve experienced is not the same as when I lost my mom, but it is a process all the same. Grief is good. It’s a normal, natural reaction to any kind of loss. I am ready to accept this new phase of life with renewed insight. I’m not going to pretend that it’s going to be easy for me. I’m sure there will be times I struggle with the changes, but I hope it gets easier as time goes on. And I know I can always find comfort in family and friends who have already been through it.

Learning to be a Mom of an Adult Child

It’s been a month. Thirty-six days to be exact but I’m not really counting. Last month we dropped off our oldest child, Kyle, at Michigan Tech University, a 7-8 hour drive from home. I expected it to be a weepy goodbye as both my husband and I are quite emotional. To my surprise it wasn’t (mostly because our son couldn’t get us out the door soon enough), and that began a new phase of my life...mothering an adult child.

Dropping Kyle off at college 

I’m sure other mothers can relate. For eighteen years, I’ve spent the majority of my life attentive to his needs, his wants, his health, his schoolwork, his behavior, his friends and girlfriends, his activities, etc. Now that he’s gone, it seems I think about him much more than when he lived at home. That’s probably not true, but when I saw him, even if it was just 5-10 minutes at night, I had confirmation that he was okay. Not hearing from him for days or seeing him for months is new territory for me. Learning comes with new things and here is a summary of what I’ve learned so far in this new journey.

What I miss

• I miss the daily contact and updates. Even if it was just a few minutes in the morning and/or evening, I was able to see him and talk with him about his life. I know there is technology that will allow this to continue to occur, but I’m giving him his space to be an adult.
• I miss watching him play sports, interact with his friends and adults, and obsess over whatever project he started.
• I miss his beautiful smile. And I should since we paid for it!
• I miss his curious, creative nature. Not necessarily the messes he made while being curious and creative though.
• I miss his friends coming over to hang out.
• I miss him taking care of the dog every morning! Just being honest.

What I love about parenting an adult child

At a college visit senior year

• I love the freedom I have to spend more time with my husband. While we still have one more child at home, it is one less person and schedule to work around.
• I love that grocery shopping is easier and less frequent. No longer do I need to get milk three times a week, make spaghetti and tacos at least once a week, or replenish snacks as often.
• I love that the house stays clean longer. I’m sure this is due to our younger son taking over the basement vacated by Kyle so the upstairs (the part I see the most) is easier to keep less cluttered.
• I love that there are less cars in the driveway. As all the men in my family can attest to, I am not the best backer upper. Trying to weave between cars in my driveway is a stressful endeavor for me so his leaving has alleviated some of this stress.
• I especially love when Kyle initiates a call or text conversation. It makes my day whenever I hear from him no matter why he is connecting with me or how long we converse.

What I struggle with

• How do I communicate with him without being intrusive? How often should I or can I contact him? What time during the day or night is okay to call? I’m sure I’m overthinking this, but I want him to know I care without bugging him all the time.
• How do I balance giving him advice without telling him what to do? Over the years we’ve taught him to make his own decisions, but we’ve always been there to help him through them. Now he doesn’t always consult us in his decisions.
• How do I ask questions without being interrogative? I’m interested in what he’s doing and I’m sure there are things I don’t want to know. How do I ask the right questions to hear about his life without making it seem like I’m trying to catch him doing something wrong?
• How do I accept the fact that we’ve done a good job raising him and he’s going to be an honest, hardworking, caring, and productive adult? In my heart I know he will be.

Love that smile!

I think back to when I was a young adult and how my mother treated me. She gave me my space, was there when I needed her, and prayed for me constantly. This is the path I am choosing to take on this new journey. I hope I will be as successful at mothering adult children as she was.

Redefining Mom Time

I empathize with Fred every time I think about the Dunkin Donuts “Time to Make the Donuts” commercial from the early 1980s. Every day Fred the Baker got up early and came home after dark to do his job, making donuts. He became more exhausted as the days went on and eventually ran into himself at the door as he was leaving/coming. I’m sure many people relate to this commercial from a work perspective, but I empathize with Fred from the mom perspective.

Photo credit: quotesgram.com/exhausted-mom-quotes/

Once upon a time I felt like Fred the Baker. Rise early to shower and get ready before waking the kids. Make breakfast and lunches. Be sure they had everything for the school day. Go to work. Pick kids up and make dinner. Drive to some sort of sports practice. Get the boys ready for bed. Grade papers or prepare lessons. On 'no practice' days, I had time to grocery shop, do laundry, clean the house, work on the budget, take care of the unending list of things a mother is responsible to do, or maybe plan a vacation. Then do it again the next day and the next day and the next day… My poor husband. During that time, he may have gotten meals and vacations, but very little one-on-one time with me.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVED spending time with the boys, and still do, but I rarely had much Mom Time. Sure, I could squeeze in a workout...if I got up earlier or ran instead of eating dinner with the family. I tried, unsuccessfully, to play cards every other week with my friends. When I decided to read a book, I’d stay up way too late, multiple nights in a row, because I couldn’t stop reading (apologies again to my husband). But that was my Mom Time...a little time to spend doing what I wanted to do.

As the boys got older, they started making their lunch, doing their laundry, and eventually driving themselves to practice. Now there are days when I see them for five minutes before I head to bed. I’m starting to miss them. In their teen-aged years, my definition of Mom Time has changed. It is no longer time for me, but time for us.  And I’ll take any chance I can get to spend some time with them.

Birthday Bonus

In the last couple of weeks I’ve been fortunate to have some newfound Mom Time. Our youngest invited me to see the movie Finding Dory. As a bonus, our oldest son and his girlfriend came along. Both boys unexpectedly had my birthday off from work so we spent the afternoon together as a family, and I didn’t even have to use a Forced Family Fun Day to make it happen. Our oldest spent the Fourth of July sailing with us, and I actually enjoyed driving one and a half hours to the orthodontist just so I could spend alone time with our youngest son.

My relationships with the boys have definitely changed over time and I’m sure as they enter college, get married, and start families those relationships will continue to evolve. I’m not sure that my Mom Time definition will change again, but I do know that my time with each of the boys will become less as they continue their journey through life. For now, I’m going to savor all the Mom Time I can get.