“Good grief.” While not the first words that came to mind
when our 18 year old sent me a text that he was thinking of going to Florida
with his girlfriend and her family for Christmas, they do convey my
frustration. “What?! You want to do this the first Christmas you’ve been away at college? I expect there will be
Christmases without us all together, but so soon? You’re only 18!”
I am such a hypocrite. I say I’m ready for our kids to be
adults, that we’ve done a good job raising them, and that I’m looking forward
to spending time with my husband without the daily stress of raising kids. But
now that one of our charges is actually an adult, I’m questioning if I’m really
ready for the changes that lie ahead. This Christmas I realized I’ve been
grieving, for years, the fact that the boys are growing up. I just haven’t accepted
it.
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| Our family photo this Christmas |
It’s normal to grieve the changes in life as our children
grow up. My conflicting feelings of “I’ve done a good job and they are ready”
and “You’re not old enough to be moving on to the next stage in life” are caused
because my familiar patterns of life are changing. As I reflected over the lifetime
of Christmases we’ve had with the boys, I realize that the familiar patterns
really lasted only a brief period of time and new patterns took their place.
- When the boys were young, Christmas was fun and exciting, not just for them but for me. They seemed to enjoy getting and decorating the Christmas tree, they would come to wake us up earlier than we were ready to get up, and we had all sorts of options of gifts for them. This lasted just four or five years.
- In the pre-teen years I began to notice less excitement in hunting for the tree and even less desire to decorate it. While the extra hour or so of sleep was a relief, it came with the price of less anticipation of Christmas morning. Their Christmas gift idea list became smaller so they had a better idea of what they would receive. This phase of Christmases was also short.
- The teen years came with sleeping in until 10:00 or 11:00 on Christmas Day, presents we picked out together because they only wanted one expensive gift, and celebrating early so they can be with someone else on Christmas Eve and Day. We’ve been in this pattern of Christmases (minus the last part) for four years.
Reflecting on Christmases past has helped me to accept the
fact that our oldest child has decided to spend the holidays with someone other
than us. This is the next phase of our life. It may be years before a new
familiar pattern of life exists for us. Soon there will be two in college followed
by daughters-in-law and grandchildren, and with them comes more change.
This recent grief I’ve experienced is not the same as when I
lost my mom, but it is a process all the same. Grief is good. It’s a normal,
natural reaction to any kind of loss. I am ready to accept this new phase of
life with renewed insight. I’m not going to pretend that it’s going to be easy
for me. I’m sure there will be times I struggle with the changes, but I hope it
gets easier as time goes on. And I know I can always find comfort in family and
friends who have already been through it.
