Sibling Rivalship

"Don't talk to me in the hall." Those were the instructions to my incoming freshman brother from the 11th grade me. How hurtful! What was I thinking? I'm sure I didn't want him to embarrass me or to take over any "popularity" I had garnered for myself. It was inconsiderate and selfish nonetheless. Of course when he started high school, all my fears were for naught. He was accepted, people liked him and they knew he was my brother. Why is it that the most important relationships in our lives are often the ones we take for granted?

DJ and I - circa 1973

DJ is two years younger than me. As kids, we were pretty close. When I was in second grade, he rode my shiny, green, banana-seat bike too fast down a hill and had a nasty crash. He was lying on the couch when I got home from school, all scratched up and stitches above his right eye. I remember my mom telling me how his leather jacket protected him from being in worse shape, and that I was more concerned if he was okay than about my bike. (Although I was pretty mad that he wrecked my new bike!) When we moved out of town to the house our dad grew up in, we spent a lot of time together. We hiked, had picnics, fished in the creek and took care of the animals my dad insisted we have on our "farm." We'd play school where I was the teacher and he was the student. No wonder he didn't really like school much!

Like any relationship though, there were times when we didn't get along. DJ was more mischievous than me. He and a friend were caught smoking cigarette butts in the neighbor's car and another time he lit the forest near our house on fire. He even shot me with a BB gun! For my part, I was (he'd probably say I still am) very bossy. I would tell him what to do, in a tone of voice that I'm sure was far from pleasant. I'd take advantage of being the oldest in the family and felt I knew what was best for everyone. And there were times where I was selfish, like the high school examples above, and hurt the ones I was supposed to love the most. Unfortunately my behavior continued to affect our relationship into adulthood.

Our boys and my youngest brother

Over the last couple of years as DJ and I have been in touch more often, I've been thinking about sibling relationships and wondering how my children's sibling relationship will be as adults. Our teenage boys, who are 18 months apart, get along well. When they were younger, playing at the beach, skate park or in the yard was fun to watch. Today, they share a passion for playing hockey, hangout with each other's friends and seem to have a mutual respect for one another. I haven't witnessed a physical fight, a yelling match or the silent treatment. And when our youngest started high school, the oldest didn't tell him not to talk to him at school (as far as I know).

I'm not saying they always play nice in the sandbox. There have been times when our younger son complained about his older brother "always" being mean to him or the older one being annoyed with his younger brother tagging along. These are normal growing pains of sibling relationships. I'm sure in the next couple of years they have left together before the oldest leaves for college, there will be some sand throwing.

One of the last family pictures
when all siblings were together

The boys' relationship will continue throughout their entire lives. As they become adults, what will it look like? Will they live near one another? Will they be close and call or see each other often? With they continue to have similar interests? Will they make time to keep this relationship close or will they drift apart? I know that their careers will lead them in different paths and that spouses and families can keep them physically separate, but I pray that they find ways to stay closely connected. Even with technology and social media, it's not always easy to maintain sibling relationships, as many of us know. I hope they make the effort. Which reminds me, I need to call my brother.

Relationships in Pictures

Ever stop to think about your relationships? Spend some time looking at your pictures. I recently was looking for a photo and ended up spending too many hours much later into the night than I had planned. Pictures are reminders of our lives and our relationships...people, places, and things that have impacted us.

As I looked through the photographs, I was reminded of how much my husband and I have been through in our 19 years of marriage. We met while working for a tall ship company. We spent a summer in Alaska before getting married. We've had eight addresses and have been fortunate to have had multiple travel opportunities over the years. In that time we had a miscarriage, five degrees, two awesome boys, a well-behaved dog, career changes, seven cars, our mothers dying too young, and some form of floatation device (i.e., sailboat, powerboat, canoe, kayak, windsurfer, noodles, etc.). Our life has had its struggles as well as joys, but what relationship doesn't?

I reflected on other relationships as well. (Remember, I stayed up longer than I should have.) There were pictures of friends we've had for many, many years, along with people who had entered our lives for a very short time. It brought back memories of all the fun things we've done with others such as boating, camping, skiing, and Spring Breaks. Some friends show up in pictures year after year, while some exist in one lone picture (but still a memory and a relationship had). The pictures even brought back sad memories of friends or family lost to death or relationships that just didn't work out.

Seeing how our kids, and us, have grown over the years is bittersweet. While I see all the wonderful memories we've made, I know the time is too soon when our boys will be on their own. At that point, the pictures I take will begin to change. The pictures of times spent with our friends and their families will be replaced with just us "old" guys...meaning the parents. (I'm actually looking forward to this.) Pictures of us and our kids will be replaced with them and their girlfriends, spouses, and eventually children...more new relationships to begin. Family gathering pictures will start missing loved ones as they age and pass away.

Over a lifetime we all develop a lot of relationships. With these relationships come great times and hardships. Whether it be with a spouse, sibling, child, parent, friend, boss, or coworker, there are going to be phases in each relationship. Remember to enjoy the great times and work through the hard times because relationships make up our lives. Looking at these pictures has reminded me how blessed my life has been. If you are one of those relationships in my life, thank you for doing life with me.