Relationship Remodel

Whew! Our marriage survived another remodel project. Fred and I have remodeled an entire house…if we lived in the same house all these years. Over our 25 years of marriage, there have been four houses and multiple home projects. We’ve remodeled a kitchen/living room and another kitchen, added an attached garage, replaced windows, built a couple of patios, added decks, created a mudroom in a section of a garage, built a pole barn (to “replace” the space lost in that garage), and updated (i.e., painting, flooring, trim, etc.) numerous rooms in every house. The latest remodel project…our master bathroom.

I’m a visual person so when my husband says we should blah, blah, blah, I usually wrinkle my nose and say I don’t think I’ll like how that will look. He either sketches a picture or I take a leap of faith (or both) and we go forward with the project. Inevitably, the completed project is much better than the visual I had in my head from his verbal explanation. This last project was no exception.

We practiced a lot of patience during the four-month renovation project…with the process (so many steps had to cure before we could move on!), with items to come in, and with each other. We, meaning mostly my husband, did the work, along with advice and help from our friends. The finished project is better than we imagined.

As I reflected on the project, I came to realize how much renovation/remodel projects are like relationships.

1. Our demolition included taking out the vanity, toilet, tub, and tile floor. While not all relationships have to be brought back to the studs, we often must start over. Go back to the beginning and rebuild. Forgive and move on.
2. Every part of the project had a messy component to it. It seemed like we were always cleaning something up. Like this project, relationships can be messy. Disagreements. Distrust. Miscommunication. Healthy relationships deal with the messes as they happen to keep the “project” going.
3. Often remodel projects take longer than planned. At about the three-month marker, we were ready to be done. If we chose to stop at that point, we would have a half-bath in our master bedroom. When we get tired of fighting through the tough parts of our relationships, it’s worth remembering that there is something better and beautiful if we don’t give up.
4. Every project cost something…time, money, patience. And sometimes those costs are more than we expect. Sounds a lot like relationships. Giving of yourself, being patient, and holding your tongue (I’m talking to me here), are often difficult to sustain. But they are also good investments to make in a relationship.
5. A weight off his shoulders. A deep, fresh breath for me. That’s what it felt like to complete our remodel project. And we celebrated. Dinner. A toast. A relaxing weekend talking about what we can do now in our free time. When we get to the other side of difficult times in our relationships we need to remember to celebrate. Celebrate that the relationship remains. Thank God for the opportunity to grow as a couple. Talk about your future together.

We all face project (trials) in our relationships. Financial struggles, infidelity, emotional instability, loss of loved ones, gross misunderstandings, and much more. Some projects just need a new paint job. Not to cover over the issue, but to bring a new fresh perspective. Other times we may need to tear it down to the studs and start over. Our relationships improve, grow stronger, and become deeper when we work through every part of the remodel process.

My husband and I have a list of house projects we would like to eventually accomplish. That list gives us something to look forward to together. I also know each project will give me an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with him. I love this “house” we’ve built together, no matter where it lives.

Committing To Your Vows

I do. I will. I promise. I give you my word. You can count on me. We make promises and commitments to our spouses, children, parents, friends, and co-workers. Some of these are short-term (I'll be at your hockey game on Friday), while others are for a life-time (till death do us part).

No matter the time frame, my dad taught me to follow through with my commitments and do what I vowed. Yes, I said vowed. According to the dictionary, a vow is a promise, a pledge, an oath, or a guarantee. Whether I am committing to a project for a client, promising my friend that I will care for her dog when she is on vacation, or pledging to volunteer at a nonprofit event, someone is counting on me to follow through on my word.

A couple weeks ago, I attended my cousin's wedding. Most of us are familiar with the traditional wedding vows...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us part. Of course we love the person we are marrying, but at the time we make this vow, with a bundle of joyous emotions, most of us don't know how long it really will be until death completes that commitment. Throughout our marriage, each of these vows is tested.

I have had my share of 'worse' times in our marriage; speaking before thinking, impatience, assumption, saying hurtful things, too much focus on my job, saying too much, suspicion, talking in a negative or accusatory tone, short tempered. If you didn’t notice, my tongue is probably my “worst” culprit in our marriage. One of my favorite commercials was of a woman talking about celebrating a milestone anniversary. Her happy voice recalls all the things this person has endured in their marriage. While the listener assumes she's talking about her husband’s faults, she ends by saying how thankful she is that her husband still loved her after all these years. I’m thankful my husband continues to put up with the worse in me.

Throughout our marriage, there have been times when I have been the breadwinner and times when my husband has been the main source of our income. In “richer” times, we’ve both had full-time good paying jobs. But whether rich or poor, all marriages encounter financial stress. Any disagreements about money in our marriage have not been so much about the amount of money we had, but on our view of how it should be spent. I like to spend my money on travel and memory making while he leans towards purchases. We’ve learned to compromise.

My grandma was tested multiple times in the sickness department before my grandpa passed away. At one point in their marriage, my grandpa, a stubborn Italian, fell off the roof and broke his neck. During his recovery he would have her adjust the screws on his halo brace. Not sure I could do that. Twice she nursed him through cancer, feeding him through a tube, cleaning up after he’d get sick, and dealing with his physical and emotional stress that comes with having cancer. The commitment it took for this woman to care for this man in these situations is a perfect example of following through on her in sickness and in health vow.

My other grandparents were married 68 years, but were together for 70 years before death parted them. Seventy years! I think about all the hardships they endured during that time. A loss of an infant son, numerous health issues, financial problems, raising five kids. Before the funeral, the pastor asked my grandma what kept them together so long. She said they made a vow to each other. A vow that surpassed falling in and out of, and back in, love. A vow, that no matter the situation, they would stay together. A vow that they promised to keep until one of them left this earth.

So to my boys, follow through with your all your promises and commitments completely (especially the one about taking care of your mom forever). When you are ready to make your marriage vows to your soul mate or love of your life, know that it is for the long haul. There will be times of better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. You’re going to have struggles, but each offers the opportunity to make your marriage stronger until death does you part.