Relationship Remodel

Whew! Our marriage survived another remodel project. Fred and I have remodeled an entire house…if we lived in the same house all these years. Over our 25 years of marriage, there have been four houses and multiple home projects. We’ve remodeled a kitchen/living room and another kitchen, added an attached garage, replaced windows, built a couple of patios, added decks, created a mudroom in a section of a garage, built a pole barn (to “replace” the space lost in that garage), and updated (i.e., painting, flooring, trim, etc.) numerous rooms in every house. The latest remodel project…our master bathroom.

I’m a visual person so when my husband says we should blah, blah, blah, I usually wrinkle my nose and say I don’t think I’ll like how that will look. He either sketches a picture or I take a leap of faith (or both) and we go forward with the project. Inevitably, the completed project is much better than the visual I had in my head from his verbal explanation. This last project was no exception.

We practiced a lot of patience during the four-month renovation project…with the process (so many steps had to cure before we could move on!), with items to come in, and with each other. We, meaning mostly my husband, did the work, along with advice and help from our friends. The finished project is better than we imagined.

As I reflected on the project, I came to realize how much renovation/remodel projects are like relationships.

1. Our demolition included taking out the vanity, toilet, tub, and tile floor. While not all relationships have to be brought back to the studs, we often must start over. Go back to the beginning and rebuild. Forgive and move on.
2. Every part of the project had a messy component to it. It seemed like we were always cleaning something up. Like this project, relationships can be messy. Disagreements. Distrust. Miscommunication. Healthy relationships deal with the messes as they happen to keep the “project” going.
3. Often remodel projects take longer than planned. At about the three-month marker, we were ready to be done. If we chose to stop at that point, we would have a half-bath in our master bedroom. When we get tired of fighting through the tough parts of our relationships, it’s worth remembering that there is something better and beautiful if we don’t give up.
4. Every project cost something…time, money, patience. And sometimes those costs are more than we expect. Sounds a lot like relationships. Giving of yourself, being patient, and holding your tongue (I’m talking to me here), are often difficult to sustain. But they are also good investments to make in a relationship.
5. A weight off his shoulders. A deep, fresh breath for me. That’s what it felt like to complete our remodel project. And we celebrated. Dinner. A toast. A relaxing weekend talking about what we can do now in our free time. When we get to the other side of difficult times in our relationships we need to remember to celebrate. Celebrate that the relationship remains. Thank God for the opportunity to grow as a couple. Talk about your future together.

We all face project (trials) in our relationships. Financial struggles, infidelity, emotional instability, loss of loved ones, gross misunderstandings, and much more. Some projects just need a new paint job. Not to cover over the issue, but to bring a new fresh perspective. Other times we may need to tear it down to the studs and start over. Our relationships improve, grow stronger, and become deeper when we work through every part of the remodel process.

My husband and I have a list of house projects we would like to eventually accomplish. That list gives us something to look forward to together. I also know each project will give me an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with him. I love this “house” we’ve built together, no matter where it lives.

25-Year Love Letter

This summer, Fred and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We visited the beach where we got married, stayed at The Homestead where we stayed on our wedding night, and spent some time reminiscing about our time together. Our literal and figurative stroll down memory lane highlighted how much has changed in 25 years.

I started reflecting on our quarter century together when I came to the realization that our oldest son was turning the same age as Fred was when we met. For some reason my beau-to-be seemed older than what I want to believe my son is now. Then I realized…he could meet his future wife any time! This, of course, led to a list of things I want our boys to remember when "seeking" and marrying a spouse. 

• Put your relationship with God first. Human relationships are not forever. Humans are faulty. Spouses leave. Death occurs. God will be there through all your trials and successes. Spend time working on this relationship.
• Know yourself before choosing a partner...what you like/dislike, what is important to you in relationships, where you envision your future, how important your parents are to you 😉, etc. Don't define yourself by the person you choose (see first bullet).
• Choose a partner wisely. While it may be hard to see beyond the initial infatuation
  
  and passion, look for a friend who is going to stick it out for the long haul. Someone who will stretch your comfort zone, who shares your values, and encourages you to grow. Look for traits like patience, forgiveness, and unselfishness. You’ll notice these the more time you spend with someone.
• Make your relationship with your spouse a priority, every day and especially during the tough times. You may disagree about family, friendships, and finances (maybe even politics). You'll navigate emotions, physical ailments, and spiritually battles. It's during those tough times that you need someone who makes your relationship a priority (see third bullet). Also, remember trials are temporary even if it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through them.
• Communicate regularly. This may be one of the most difficult parts of your relationship, but it's one of the most important. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking or assume you know what she is thinking. Talk about your day, your plans, your future. Celebrate your victories. Share your struggles. And listen to hers.
• Seek wise and mature counsel. I often wonder how my parents and grandparents stayed married so long. Our 25 years isn't even half my grandparents' marital success, yet I am learning what it takes. Don't be afraid to reach out to experienced couples. You're not the first to go through whatever you're going through.

I read a devotion this summer that said marriage is “about sacrifice. It is about caring for the needs of someone else above your own. It is about believing in the impossible when your hope is all but gone. It’s about asking God to give you wisdom and then having the courage to change when he reveals the problem is you.” I’d like to say that in 25 years the problem was never me, but that would be a lie. In fact, I’m thankful for the positive changes I’ve seen in me. Let’s hope Fred does too because I’d like to make it another 25 years.

Active Aging

Our trail companion

My husband and I started our empty nesting with a trip to Isle Royale National Park and the Apostle Islands (WI) this past week. Prior to children, we had been pretty adventurous people. We hiked, biked, rock climbed, white water rafted, and even spent a summer working in Alaska. I’ve been looking forward to returning to many of these activities after the boys were on their own.

During this eight day excursion we hiked, biked, kayaked, and walked. Throughout the trip I came to a few realizations about my current “adventurous” self. 

1. I’m not quite as “active” as I used to be [and that’s okay]. 
2. I still like the challenge of these activities.
3. I can [and want to] do these activities.

We saw lots of people with large backpacks going to Isle Royale on the ferry. I started to feel like a wimp as we chose to stay in the Lodge. Fred reminded me that it was okay. We had done plenty of tent camping in the past and it’s not like we were staying at the Ritz. (The Lodge was equivalent to a normal budget hotel room.) And he was right. When it rained the first night, I was thankful for my warm, dry room (with a bathroom).

Isle Royale

I try to remain active by walking, biking, and swimming. I know I could be doing these at a more intensive level and grasped that even more on this trip. Back in my twenties I had a lot more stamina both during the activity and for the entire day. I also wasn’t as sore and achy after physical exertion. During this trip, I found myself being more cautious with my footing as we hiked and climbed rocks. Where I used to bound down the trail or from one rock to another, my brain and body now told me to take it slow.

After spending 20 years raising kids and focusing on activities that interested them, I had begun to wonder if I’d find enjoyment in my interests anymore. Those fears were dispelled on this trip. Getting to the top of the trail and overlooking Lake Superior or exploring a sea cave in a kayak was still exhilarating (I even giggled when ducking down to go through a small sea cave...twice!). While the trail sometimes seemed long or the rain put a damper on the view, the feeling of accomplishment made it worth the discomfort.

Apostle Islands

Even though I’m not as active as I used to be and not nearly in the shape I’d like to be, I realized I’m still able to do these types of activities. More than that, I want to do them. It doesn’t matter to me if I’m slower than before, I want the challenge and the high that comes with it. I’m not sure we’ll go back to Isle Royale (there are so many places I’d like to see), but if we do, I’d consider hiking from one end of the island to the other (40 miles). There were lots of retired people enjoying the activities the outdoors provided. That gives me encouragement that 10-15 years in the future, I will still be able to hike, bike, kayak, etc. I hope Fred and I have many opportunities to continue to challenge our active selves in this empty nesting phase of our life.

Note to our boys: You’re never too old to explore new places. You would love exploring both of these places so put them on your bucket list.

Peace at Home

About this time every summer life gets overly busy. I over-fill our evenings and weekends with very little time to relax at home. Maybe subconsciously I think summer is almost over and try to cram in as much as possible. Honestly though, I think it’s just me. I like being busy. Whether it is exercising, hanging out with family and friends, or just going somewhere, count me in! (With all this fun, where do I find time to do house chores?)  😉

I used to blame the busyness on the kids and their schedules. But the boys have cars so I can’t blame it on driving them around. They also have summer jobs where they work just as much as me. Their free time is spent with friends (and they don’t usually invite me). And to top it off, this summer our oldest stayed at college. There’s no one to blame for the schedule but myself. “What’s so bad about being busy anyway?” says our 18-year old who does the same thing as me.

I love weeks like this.

The problem with not controlling my schedule is I can get cranky, ignore my family, and become short-tempered. I don’t eat as well, exercise as hard, or think as clearly as when I “schedule” rest. Another problem is it leads to a frustrated husband because I over-scheduled myself, or us, again. When my/our schedule is overbooked, there is a shortage of peace in our home.

In June, I read a daily devotion titled “Love Lives Here.” It was about being intentional about creating peace in your own home. The author shared three ways (bolded below) to create that peace.

• Speak words that build peace. My mouth is probably the biggest culprit when it comes to a peace-less home environment. Yes, I tell my family that I love them or am proud of them or even that I forgive them. And I mean it when I say it. Yet I have to continually work to keep from nagging them, snapping at them, or saying hurtful things to them especially when I overschedule our lives.
• Create a home that promotes peace. If this was the only item the author suggested, we should have plenty of peace in our home. We eat healthy meals together and often invite others to join us. I control the clutter (at least when I “let go” of the boys’ bedrooms) and I stick to our budget. Helping each other with projects and tasks, taking family vacations, and communicating shows that we care about one another. We’ve even developed systems that keep chaos at bay like the last one to empty the Kool-Aid pitcher makes more. When the boys were little I instituted a system for breakfast or dinner so planning would be easier (e.g., Personal Pizza Sunday, Toast or Taco Tuesday, Waffle Wednesday, Find-your-own-food Friday, etc.). Tending a garden was also suggested to promote peace, but I find little peace in my flower beds.
• Be a woman who promotes peace. To promote peace in our home, my response to those I love needs to be peaceful, especially in times when I feel taken for granted, left out, or hurt in some way. My initial knee-jerk reaction is to use my words to tell them how I feel (see first bullet). When I take the time to clench my mouth shut and think through the issue, my actual response is much more loving and peaceful.

The peace-meter in our home may have reached the yellow zone last week. I saw the warning signs and realized I need to make intentional decisions to say no to additional commitments or at minimum, check my words and actions. I like a peaceful home (Who wouldn’t?!) and when I feel peace here, it’s easier to bring that peace to those outside my home.

Note to our family and friends: I don’t want this message to be misconstrued. We love to get together with you. The scheduling issue is more of an attitude check for me. Keep asking us to do things with you!

Being Thankful (in the Bathroom)

No one's favorite chore

“I love to clean the bathroom.” said no woman ever. If you’re like me, you do it because you ‘love a clean bathroom.’ There are definitely times I put off cleaning the bathroom for far too long and then really dread doing it. It’s usually at those times that my husband steps in and takes care of it for me. Yes, you read that right. My husband cleans the bathroom and has done so on many occasions.

This is just one of the many things that he does that I am thankful for (and it ranks high on the list). Just this week he fixed my treadmill and hung a picture in the guest room. He takes care of the lawn in the summer, the leaves in the fall, and the snow in the winter, all tasks I could do but prefer not to (especially picking up the dog poop that comes along with those jobs). Add to the list: car issues, plumbing problems, and making “stuff” for the house, all things I can’t do and would have to hire out. While I may do most of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and laundry, he also pitches in to help.

Very thankful for this guy!

This isn’t a checklist for other wives to give their husbands, but rather reasons for me to express thanks to him. It’s also a reminder to recognize all the things we can be thankful for. Let’s face it, life gets hard. There are going to be stretches when it’s difficult to see anything done by your spouse, parent, child, friend, or co-worker that is worthy of thanks. It’s in those times that writing (or typing) a list is important. I realized this at the lowest time in my life. It wasn’t easy to come up with a thankful or appreciation list, but it helped me to focus on the good and positive things in my relationships rather than the negative.

Thankfulness is more than just making a list though. It’s acting on it as well. When we are thankful, we should be intentional about expressing that thanks. “Thank you for cleaning the bathroom. It looks great.” or “I hate picking up the dog poop. I’m sure you don’t like it either, but I’m glad you do it.” Writing, texting, or emailing a note or making a video are other ways to thank someone. If you’re not sure what to say, read the thank you cards at a store or Google ‘how to say thanks.’

Saying thank you or showing appreciation feels good. Not only for the person that is being thanked or appreciated, but also for the giver. This may sound convoluted, but when my husband cleans the bathroom, he is thanking me for all I do around the house. As he alleviates this task from me, it makes me feel good. I, in turn, thank him for cleaning the bathroom, making him feel good for the job he did. Being thankful can be a continual cycle of feeling good.

Thankfulness is a powerful tool to use in our relationships. While it’s not always easy, we can start small. Find one thing another person does for you and thank them regularly for it. The more we practice thanksgiving the easier it becomes. As we continue to thank one another with our words and actions, we will see our relationships flourish. I pray that you begin a thankfulness journey this Thanksgiving that continues throughout the year.

Vacation Reconnect

Five destinations. Ten days. Twenty-five hundred miles. And we are still talking to one another.

While our high school junior spent Spring Break on a school trip in the Netherlands and our oldest is away at college, my husband and I decided to practice being empty nesters by taking an extended vacation alone. Alone meaning together…in the car…for 10 days. Did I mention 2,500 miles? It wasn’t actually 10 days in the car, more like six travel days of four to nine hours with some local driving at our destinations. And it wasn’t quite alone all the time. Four of the five destinations were spent reconnecting with family and friends.

At our first stop in St. Louis, MO, we had dinner with friends we made while working in Alaska 24 years ago. We reminisced about the past and talked about our jobs, kids, and futures. Our second destination brought us to my brother-in-law’s place. Over this three-day visit, we enjoyed lots of laughs and got to know his fiancé and her children. While in Nashville, TN, we really were alone. We walked, talked, fished, ate great food, and listened to some good music. In Gatlinburg, TN we stayed with friends who rented a house in the mountains for their Spring Break. It was a joy to continue this friendship in such a beautiful part of the country. Our last stop was in Louisville, KY where we caught up with Fred’s sister and brother-in-law. While our families may be close at heart we are geographically distant, so every chance we get to spend together, no matter how short, is worth it.

As I reflect on this trip, I am so grateful for the family and friends God has brought into my life. Relationships are not always easy to develop and sustain. It takes time and when we are raising families, it seems there is never enough time to stay connected. This connection also applies to our marriages. As we near empty nesting, I look back and am reminded how important it is to spend time with one another to cultivate that relationship. As we raised the boys we didn’t always make the time to spend together. Sure, there were lots of family vacations and forced family fun times. Fred and I had occasional dates and special anniversary vacations when we were alone, but no regularly scheduled date nights. I hope we are able to help our boys make date nights a priority when they have kids of their own (preferably many years from now).

This vacation reminded me of a younger us, before kids. Thank goodness we have both grown over our almost 23 years of marriage though. There were plenty of times during this trip that could have been points of contention earlier in our lives. Driving (Do I even need to say the word ‘directions’?) and in the mountains no less; mountain biking (Fred is much more adventurous than me on the trails.); fishing (I haven’t fished since Alaska and don’t have the patience he does.); eating (I need fruits and veggies once in a while!); activities (I tend to have more varied interests than him.). In addition, I didn’t over plan the vacation and Fred didn’t complain about driving. We moved a little slower, went to bed a little earlier, were more patient with one another, and sought to make each other happy. We just might survive life without kids if we keep this up.

Did we miss the kids? Of course, but we texted and talked to them, and bragged about what a great time we were having. In less than 18 months, we will officially be empty nesters. We’ll continue to miss them (on vacation or not), but want them to move on with their lives. Just like us.

Committing To Your Vows

I do. I will. I promise. I give you my word. You can count on me. We make promises and commitments to our spouses, children, parents, friends, and co-workers. Some of these are short-term (I'll be at your hockey game on Friday), while others are for a life-time (till death do us part).

No matter the time frame, my dad taught me to follow through with my commitments and do what I vowed. Yes, I said vowed. According to the dictionary, a vow is a promise, a pledge, an oath, or a guarantee. Whether I am committing to a project for a client, promising my friend that I will care for her dog when she is on vacation, or pledging to volunteer at a nonprofit event, someone is counting on me to follow through on my word.

A couple weeks ago, I attended my cousin's wedding. Most of us are familiar with the traditional wedding vows...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us part. Of course we love the person we are marrying, but at the time we make this vow, with a bundle of joyous emotions, most of us don't know how long it really will be until death completes that commitment. Throughout our marriage, each of these vows is tested.

I have had my share of 'worse' times in our marriage; speaking before thinking, impatience, assumption, saying hurtful things, too much focus on my job, saying too much, suspicion, talking in a negative or accusatory tone, short tempered. If you didn’t notice, my tongue is probably my “worst” culprit in our marriage. One of my favorite commercials was of a woman talking about celebrating a milestone anniversary. Her happy voice recalls all the things this person has endured in their marriage. While the listener assumes she's talking about her husband’s faults, she ends by saying how thankful she is that her husband still loved her after all these years. I’m thankful my husband continues to put up with the worse in me.

Throughout our marriage, there have been times when I have been the breadwinner and times when my husband has been the main source of our income. In “richer” times, we’ve both had full-time good paying jobs. But whether rich or poor, all marriages encounter financial stress. Any disagreements about money in our marriage have not been so much about the amount of money we had, but on our view of how it should be spent. I like to spend my money on travel and memory making while he leans towards purchases. We’ve learned to compromise.

My grandma was tested multiple times in the sickness department before my grandpa passed away. At one point in their marriage, my grandpa, a stubborn Italian, fell off the roof and broke his neck. During his recovery he would have her adjust the screws on his halo brace. Not sure I could do that. Twice she nursed him through cancer, feeding him through a tube, cleaning up after he’d get sick, and dealing with his physical and emotional stress that comes with having cancer. The commitment it took for this woman to care for this man in these situations is a perfect example of following through on her in sickness and in health vow.

My other grandparents were married 68 years, but were together for 70 years before death parted them. Seventy years! I think about all the hardships they endured during that time. A loss of an infant son, numerous health issues, financial problems, raising five kids. Before the funeral, the pastor asked my grandma what kept them together so long. She said they made a vow to each other. A vow that surpassed falling in and out of, and back in, love. A vow, that no matter the situation, they would stay together. A vow that they promised to keep until one of them left this earth.

So to my boys, follow through with your all your promises and commitments completely (especially the one about taking care of your mom forever). When you are ready to make your marriage vows to your soul mate or love of your life, know that it is for the long haul. There will be times of better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. You’re going to have struggles, but each offers the opportunity to make your marriage stronger until death does you part.

My Relationship Gardens

I've been looking at my flower beds. And I use flower very loosely, as they are made up mostly of hostas and day lillies. (Obviously, I do not have green thumbs.) If you've ever owned either of these plants, you know that the positive sides of them are they come back every year and they have a pretty flower, which is around only briefly. The downside of these plants is that they spread. Eventually they overtake an entire area, even outside the designated section, and need to be thinned out which is sometimes hard to do. As I dreaded having to thin them out this year, I reminded myself it's my own fault for planting them in the first place.

One of my pitiful flower beds

Gardening reminds me of my relationships. They are hard work, I reap what I sow and external factors impact my good intentions. Just as in gardening, relationships take time...time to prepare the soil (knowing myself and what I bring to a relationship), time to plant seeds (spending time with others and getting to know them), time to weed (getting rid of unnecessary baggage and things that clutter the relationship) and time to enjoy the harvest (taking pleasure in the companionship of others). Time is a big factor in what makes them grow.

What I put into my relationships I get back. I see it with my husband, my kids and my friends. If I don't see it in the short-term, I know I'll see the consequences in the long-term. The song Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin is a reminder of this. I'll admit there are times when my words or actions do not reflect what I want to get back in a relationship. Many times I have been impatient with the boys, sometimes for no reason. I've had to learn to control my tongue. I also know that when I'm actually "there," in a mental and emotional sense not just physical, that my relationships are much richer and deeper. Giving my undivided attention in conversations and being available when others want me are what I want to sow because it is also what I want to reap.

My most important relationship gardens

What I sow, others also reap. This is one lesson I want to be sure my boys learn. While the garden of marriage may end in divorce, it's the children and extended family members who reap what the couple sowed. Work relationships gone awry can also have an unintended consequence on families. Someone who abuses their work/client relationships by embezzling funds belonging to others impact the families, not just the individuals, affected by the action. If the embezzler goes to prison, their own family has to reap what they sowed.

There are times when gardening is difficult. The sun doesn't shine enough, rain is scarce, the bugs or animals eat what I am trying to grow or schedules make it difficult to be attentive to the plants. How similar this is to my relationships! Other people influence those I care about, society's messages tell me to put myself first instead of others, there's never enough time to invest in all my relationships and hurts happen. The desire to see my garden or relationship flourish helps me to get through those difficult times.

Just as I admire beautiful gardens, I hope people will admire my relationships. I hope they see me trying to sow seeds of love, patience, kindness and unselfishness, and see me spending the time to help them grow. I'd be blessed if my relationship gardens can be a guiding example for others.