Relationships Matter

Earlier this month, I shared the following story with a group of educators and realized I should use it for a long-overdue blog post. 

I am a self-proclaimed relationship nerd. I don’t have a degree in relationships, but I believe they are the foundation for everything in our lives. In 2013 I even started a blog and have written about my relationship with myself, God, family and friends, food, technology, and much more.

Yesterday I encouraged you to think about the relationships in your life. Raise your hand if a school-related relationship popped into your head. As I reflected on my younger years, I realized how important my school-related relationships were.

My parents were young when I was born, 17 and 20. Throughout my childhood in the UP, my mom stayed at home to raise us and my dad worked long hours to provide for our family. I felt very loved and cared for, but education beyond high school wasn’t discussed nor did we talk about careers.

I remember some of my elementary and middle school teachers as being kind, encouraging, and providing challenging work. Over those years, the teachers showed me that I “was smart” (i.e., I did well on tests and assignments and could follow the rules) and they gave me the courage to try new things. That courage was an important foundation for high school. In those early years, I also made a couple of good friends that I still see today.

Freshman Swimming Photo 😄

We had a pool at our high school. Karen Pedley, the pool PE teacher, encouraged me to join the swim team when I was a freshman. At first, I was afraid, but with my previous successes at trying new things, and Mrs. Pedley’s encouragement, I joined. During those four years, I learned to set goals, developed a desire for physical fitness, and gained leadership skills. I formed new relationships with Coach Pedley and my teammates.

In my junior year, I took accounting. Mr. Hayes, one of the business teachers, saw my potential and asked if I’d like to join BOEC (he was an advisor for the club). Again, my first instinct was to say no even though I liked business courses and had found success in other things. During my two years in BOEC, I gained confidence, a strong work ethic, and even success with two national first-place awards.

I was lucky to have close relationships with other teachers too. But, even with my strong teacher/coach relationships, a close friend base, and the successes I found in high school, I still did not know what I wanted to do after graduation. I planned to join the Navy (my dad is a veteran) until a friend convinced me to try college…for one year.

My college years were not traditional. I started working full-time in an office at Northern Michigan University after the first semester of my sophomore year. When I reflect on the decision to work full-time to pay for college, I’m glad I didn’t listen to my advisor who told me that if I worked full-time, I wouldn’t finish my degree. His comment actually made me determined to prove him wrong. Over the next four years, I was able to apply the business content I was learning to my work. I’m sure this experience helped shape my view of what education should be. The relationships I also developed with my bosses were invaluable and applied to my business degree and relationships in general.

I’m thankful for every person during my “schooling years” who took the time to know me, encourage me, challenge me, and celebrate with me. I share this with you as a reminder that the relationships you build matter. Without the support of the educators in my early life, I know my career path would look much different today. Your students may not talk about you or thank you in the future, but they will remember your relationship.

While this story was designed for educator/student relationships, relationships matter in all areas of our lives. As human beings, we are relational and need others to survive and thrive. A February 2024 Psychology Today article lists 13 different types of relationships we may have in our lives. They include romantic, sexual, family, friends, online, acquaintances, work colleagues, location-based, teacher/student, therapist/client, health care professional/patient, community/faith-based/cultural group, and pets. Take some time to reflect on your relationships and how they matter to you. 

Who Do You Know?

It may have been on my work reading list for a year, but I finally finished Who You Know by Julia Freeland Fisher. While the book’s focus is on the social capital of students and how schools can help them develop their networks, I could relate many of the concepts to my own life. In addition to the book, volunteering at the local homeless shelter has opened my eyes to the fact that there are people who haven’t been as fortunate in developing their networks and relationships. I feel blessed to know the people I do.

Below are a few concepts from the book that resonated with me. 

My strong ties

• Strong and Weak Ties: There are people who I am close to and share much of my life with…my husband, children, dad, close family and friends. These strong ties are the people who I confide in, who support me when I need it, and just plain put up with me on a regular basis. I also have a network of weak ties…extended family, friends from high school and college, past colleagues and students, and those who have impacted a portion of my life. These ties are not weak in a sense that they are less important, but the role they play in my life is different than the strong ties. (See Value of Networks below.)
• Inherited Networks: I was born into a specific social infrastructure. For much of my youth, who I knew was determined by my parents. My parents valued family so I knew my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even extended family. We also had a network of church friends. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that not everyone was as fortunate to have these types of inherited networks. As an adult, I added to my network from my college experiences, work experiences, and life interests.
• Value of Networks: The books shares how our networks help provide information, influence, social credibility, and identity for us. If it was not for the weak tie of a past boss who provided information (i.e., shared the opportunity) and influence (i.e., gave a recommendation), who also had social credibility with this person, I would not be doing the work I am doing today. I’ve received consulting work from the recommendation of some of my weak ties. While my strong ties are important for my personal life, it is often my weak ties that have helped me in my career.
• Technology: I resisted Facebook until 2009 when my brother refused to email me pictures of my nephew because that’s where he shared them. My LinkedIn account became active when I decided to look for a new job seven years ago. I know many people who have met their mate on a dating site. Texting, conference calls, and webinars are part of my daily routine. Technology has allowed me to connect and stay connected much easier than in the past. It has also made my work much more efficient. While I love these tools, I still have a strong desire to spend time with people conversing face-to-face.

Since finishing the book, I’ve reflected on my networks over the years. If not for an insistent business teacher in high school, I would not have started on a path that has led to so many opportunities for me in ways that I did not expect. Had I not worked my way through college, I would not have had the chance to learn so much from the individuals who took me under their wings. While I could make the argument that who I knew did not introduce me to my husband, in a round-about way it did…(If I didn’t have a college professor who found a summer internship for me where I met a good friend who convinced me to look for a local job, I wouldn’t have met my husband at said job.) 🙂

My favorite research from the book was a study done over more than half a century. People from Harvard grads to inner city individuals were interviewed. The study found that people who were most satisfied with their relationships at 50 years old were the healthiest at 80 years old. This may be interesting to me because I am 50 years old and love my relationships…all of them…strong and weak, short- and long-term. Each has helped define who I am, and I’ve learned so much from them. It may also be interesting to me because I hope to live to be at least 80. 😉

As our boys begin their adulthood, I hope that they work on strengthening their strong ties and continue to build their weak ones. Their networks, beyond what they inherited from us, are further along than either my husband or I were at their ages. Being involved in Young Life and the fraternity has introduced them to many people that can help them in their careers and in life. I’m proud of them for seeking out these networks and hope they know that their strongest tie (i.e., mom/me) will always be here when they need it.