Relationships in Crisis

No, I’m not going to talk about financial management, marital strife, prodigal children, or physical, mental, or emotional abuse. Yes, all these relationship issues can escalate to a crisis and the pandemic has most likely exacerbated those that already existed. I’m taking this to a more personal relationship level. During this current crisis, connecting with my family and friends is not the same.  

I miss hugs!

It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for a lifetime, just met you, or you are a stranger, I’m always in for a hug. I recently ran into a couple of friends at the grocery store and was so excited to see them. My first instinct was to hug them but then I remembered that I shouldn’t. Hugs are reassurance that we care for others, a thank you when someone does something special for you, and comfort when someone is struggling. I think we all could use more of that comfort right now.

Missing this!

I miss physically being with my people!

I miss going out to dinner, playing cards, going to the movies, and having get-togethers. Like many others today, I Google Meet, Zoom, or FaceTime a lot. Video calls are great for seeing people…if you can see them! The screens are just not big enough and I have to wear my reading glasses. What I need is a theater-style set-up where the technology works automatically. Honestly, I’d rather get together where the “screen” is real-life and reading glasses aren’t necessary.

I miss trips to visit friends and family!

Day trip, weekend getaway, or vacation time. Going to see family and friends is something I’ve done my whole life. One of my good friends moved away recently and if it had not been for the pandemic, I would have already traveled there to see her and her new place. We didn’t spend Thanksgiving with family and are trying to decide what to do about Christmas. These are two holidays we have always spent with family.

I know it is my choice to stay physically distant. I do so because I care about others. Not only that, but I’m afraid that once I start spending time with people I won’t want to stop. I (we) will get through this crisis. In the meantime, I’ll try to do a better job connecting through email, text, phone/video call, and more walks. Feel free to reach out to me as well!

To be fair to the pandemic, there has been an upside in some of my relationships during this crisis. My dog is loving the two daily walks and more petting, and my husband and I have spent more time doing new things together like cooking and walking. I hope those things remain once this is over.

25-Year Love Letter

This summer, Fred and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We visited the beach where we got married, stayed at The Homestead where we stayed on our wedding night, and spent some time reminiscing about our time together. Our literal and figurative stroll down memory lane highlighted how much has changed in 25 years.

I started reflecting on our quarter century together when I came to the realization that our oldest son was turning the same age as Fred was when we met. For some reason my beau-to-be seemed older than what I want to believe my son is now. Then I realized…he could meet his future wife any time! This, of course, led to a list of things I want our boys to remember when "seeking" and marrying a spouse. 

• Put your relationship with God first. Human relationships are not forever. Humans are faulty. Spouses leave. Death occurs. God will be there through all your trials and successes. Spend time working on this relationship.
• Know yourself before choosing a partner...what you like/dislike, what is important to you in relationships, where you envision your future, how important your parents are to you 😉, etc. Don't define yourself by the person you choose (see first bullet).
• Choose a partner wisely. While it may be hard to see beyond the initial infatuation
  
  and passion, look for a friend who is going to stick it out for the long haul. Someone who will stretch your comfort zone, who shares your values, and encourages you to grow. Look for traits like patience, forgiveness, and unselfishness. You’ll notice these the more time you spend with someone.
• Make your relationship with your spouse a priority, every day and especially during the tough times. You may disagree about family, friendships, and finances (maybe even politics). You'll navigate emotions, physical ailments, and spiritually battles. It's during those tough times that you need someone who makes your relationship a priority (see third bullet). Also, remember trials are temporary even if it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through them.
• Communicate regularly. This may be one of the most difficult parts of your relationship, but it's one of the most important. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking or assume you know what she is thinking. Talk about your day, your plans, your future. Celebrate your victories. Share your struggles. And listen to hers.
• Seek wise and mature counsel. I often wonder how my parents and grandparents stayed married so long. Our 25 years isn't even half my grandparents' marital success, yet I am learning what it takes. Don't be afraid to reach out to experienced couples. You're not the first to go through whatever you're going through.

I read a devotion this summer that said marriage is “about sacrifice. It is about caring for the needs of someone else above your own. It is about believing in the impossible when your hope is all but gone. It’s about asking God to give you wisdom and then having the courage to change when he reveals the problem is you.” I’d like to say that in 25 years the problem was never me, but that would be a lie. In fact, I’m thankful for the positive changes I’ve seen in me. Let’s hope Fred does too because I’d like to make it another 25 years.

Who Do You Know?

It may have been on my work reading list for a year, but I finally finished Who You Know by Julia Freeland Fisher. While the book’s focus is on the social capital of students and how schools can help them develop their networks, I could relate many of the concepts to my own life. In addition to the book, volunteering at the local homeless shelter has opened my eyes to the fact that there are people who haven’t been as fortunate in developing their networks and relationships. I feel blessed to know the people I do.

Below are a few concepts from the book that resonated with me. 

My strong ties

• Strong and Weak Ties: There are people who I am close to and share much of my life with…my husband, children, dad, close family and friends. These strong ties are the people who I confide in, who support me when I need it, and just plain put up with me on a regular basis. I also have a network of weak ties…extended family, friends from high school and college, past colleagues and students, and those who have impacted a portion of my life. These ties are not weak in a sense that they are less important, but the role they play in my life is different than the strong ties. (See Value of Networks below.)
• Inherited Networks: I was born into a specific social infrastructure. For much of my youth, who I knew was determined by my parents. My parents valued family so I knew my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even extended family. We also had a network of church friends. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that not everyone was as fortunate to have these types of inherited networks. As an adult, I added to my network from my college experiences, work experiences, and life interests.
• Value of Networks: The books shares how our networks help provide information, influence, social credibility, and identity for us. If it was not for the weak tie of a past boss who provided information (i.e., shared the opportunity) and influence (i.e., gave a recommendation), who also had social credibility with this person, I would not be doing the work I am doing today. I’ve received consulting work from the recommendation of some of my weak ties. While my strong ties are important for my personal life, it is often my weak ties that have helped me in my career.
• Technology: I resisted Facebook until 2009 when my brother refused to email me pictures of my nephew because that’s where he shared them. My LinkedIn account became active when I decided to look for a new job seven years ago. I know many people who have met their mate on a dating site. Texting, conference calls, and webinars are part of my daily routine. Technology has allowed me to connect and stay connected much easier than in the past. It has also made my work much more efficient. While I love these tools, I still have a strong desire to spend time with people conversing face-to-face.

Since finishing the book, I’ve reflected on my networks over the years. If not for an insistent business teacher in high school, I would not have started on a path that has led to so many opportunities for me in ways that I did not expect. Had I not worked my way through college, I would not have had the chance to learn so much from the individuals who took me under their wings. While I could make the argument that who I knew did not introduce me to my husband, in a round-about way it did…(If I didn’t have a college professor who found a summer internship for me where I met a good friend who convinced me to look for a local job, I wouldn’t have met my husband at said job.) 🙂

My favorite research from the book was a study done over more than half a century. People from Harvard grads to inner city individuals were interviewed. The study found that people who were most satisfied with their relationships at 50 years old were the healthiest at 80 years old. This may be interesting to me because I am 50 years old and love my relationships…all of them…strong and weak, short- and long-term. Each has helped define who I am, and I’ve learned so much from them. It may also be interesting to me because I hope to live to be at least 80. 😉

As our boys begin their adulthood, I hope that they work on strengthening their strong ties and continue to build their weak ones. Their networks, beyond what they inherited from us, are further along than either my husband or I were at their ages. Being involved in Young Life and the fraternity has introduced them to many people that can help them in their careers and in life. I’m proud of them for seeking out these networks and hope they know that their strongest tie (i.e., mom/me) will always be here when they need it.

❤ = love, sort of

Long before the heart emoji existed, many people, including me, drew hearts to express their love. I put hearts at the end of letters and in cards. I included hearts on notes to my parents and friends. I wrote hearts in my school notebooks next to names of boys I liked. While those hearts represented my love at the time, I knew very little of what love was.

Rarely do I hear the words ‘What is love?’ and not hear the song by Haddaway in my head or think about the Night at the Roxbury skit. Type in ‘love’ in Google and you will get 13.16 billion results. Songs, books, movies, news stories, psychological articles, nonprofits, sites that sell love/love-related items, and more. It’s quite a popular topic. Look at the definition of love and you’ll find it is a noun (e.g., a feeling, a person, or a score in tennis), yet it is shown through our actions (i.e., a verb).  

Love, of course, is more than a feeling. People fall in and out of the ‘love feeling’ all the time. When we love others, it doesn’t mean we’ll never get hurt or that we’ll never hurt others. We love our children, but they probably think we hurt them when they are disciplined. I’m guilty of hurting my husband, children, and friends by saying mean things to them. Having “tough love” by not fixing the mistakes our loved ones make is not easy to do either. It really is hard to love at times.

I want to love better. #37 on My 50 List is ‘Study love as described in the Bible.’ Throughout 2018, my studying consisted of morning devotions about love (some but not all). I also read the book Love Like That: 5 Relationship Secrets From Jesus by Les Parrott III. And I’ve read 1 Corinthians 13 in different translations. Yes, I could have studied more, and even though 2018 is over, I plan to continue to learn more about love.

According to The Message, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says [bolding is mine]

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This message seems counter to what we learn in our world today… it’s okay to be impatient with the waitress or the car in front of you or the cashier at the grocery store; every commercial encourages you to be better than others; keep up with the Jones’ of social media; be angry with others whose opinions differ from yours.

Since I was a youth, I heard and read the above Corinthians verses. Reading the words isn’t the same as living them and it wasn’t until about six years ago that I started to really internalize them. I asked God for years to give me patience. Then I read somewhere that God doesn’t GIVE us patience, He helps us through situations so we LEARN patience. I realized that I “coveted” more than I thought (e.g., better hair, more money, less weight, etc.). When I’m tired or stressed, I lash out at others. And I would love to erase the mental list of wrongs done to me. When I truly study the love list, I have much room for improvement.

As a physical reminder about wanting to love better, I chose to get a tattoo (#10 on My 50 List). The tattoo I chose is an infinity symbol with a cross and a heart, located on my wrist so I see it every day. It’s a reminder to me that I want to love continually but I need help in doing so and I get that help through my faith. I’d like to love unconditionally. I’d like to always follow the love instructions in 1 Corinthians 13. Yet I know that I will sometimes (maybe often) fail. And that’s okay as long as I keep seeking help from God to learn a little more about loving others. Even though I know I won’t be able to love perfectly, it’s something I will strive toward beyond My 50 List (and beyond the ❤ emoji).

Peace at Home

About this time every summer life gets overly busy. I over-fill our evenings and weekends with very little time to relax at home. Maybe subconsciously I think summer is almost over and try to cram in as much as possible. Honestly though, I think it’s just me. I like being busy. Whether it is exercising, hanging out with family and friends, or just going somewhere, count me in! (With all this fun, where do I find time to do house chores?)  😉

I used to blame the busyness on the kids and their schedules. But the boys have cars so I can’t blame it on driving them around. They also have summer jobs where they work just as much as me. Their free time is spent with friends (and they don’t usually invite me). And to top it off, this summer our oldest stayed at college. There’s no one to blame for the schedule but myself. “What’s so bad about being busy anyway?” says our 18-year old who does the same thing as me.

I love weeks like this.

The problem with not controlling my schedule is I can get cranky, ignore my family, and become short-tempered. I don’t eat as well, exercise as hard, or think as clearly as when I “schedule” rest. Another problem is it leads to a frustrated husband because I over-scheduled myself, or us, again. When my/our schedule is overbooked, there is a shortage of peace in our home.

In June, I read a daily devotion titled “Love Lives Here.” It was about being intentional about creating peace in your own home. The author shared three ways (bolded below) to create that peace.

• Speak words that build peace. My mouth is probably the biggest culprit when it comes to a peace-less home environment. Yes, I tell my family that I love them or am proud of them or even that I forgive them. And I mean it when I say it. Yet I have to continually work to keep from nagging them, snapping at them, or saying hurtful things to them especially when I overschedule our lives.
• Create a home that promotes peace. If this was the only item the author suggested, we should have plenty of peace in our home. We eat healthy meals together and often invite others to join us. I control the clutter (at least when I “let go” of the boys’ bedrooms) and I stick to our budget. Helping each other with projects and tasks, taking family vacations, and communicating shows that we care about one another. We’ve even developed systems that keep chaos at bay like the last one to empty the Kool-Aid pitcher makes more. When the boys were little I instituted a system for breakfast or dinner so planning would be easier (e.g., Personal Pizza Sunday, Toast or Taco Tuesday, Waffle Wednesday, Find-your-own-food Friday, etc.). Tending a garden was also suggested to promote peace, but I find little peace in my flower beds.
• Be a woman who promotes peace. To promote peace in our home, my response to those I love needs to be peaceful, especially in times when I feel taken for granted, left out, or hurt in some way. My initial knee-jerk reaction is to use my words to tell them how I feel (see first bullet). When I take the time to clench my mouth shut and think through the issue, my actual response is much more loving and peaceful.

The peace-meter in our home may have reached the yellow zone last week. I saw the warning signs and realized I need to make intentional decisions to say no to additional commitments or at minimum, check my words and actions. I like a peaceful home (Who wouldn’t?!) and when I feel peace here, it’s easier to bring that peace to those outside my home.

Note to our family and friends: I don’t want this message to be misconstrued. We love to get together with you. The scheduling issue is more of an attitude check for me. Keep asking us to do things with you!

Intentional Living

My Year of 50 list was created to help me be intentional about things I wanted to accomplish this year...nearby places I’ve wanted to see, books I put off reading, and activities I kept saying I would do. I’ve always been a list maker and used to be a better goal setter so this list is a combination of both for the year I turn 50.

Now that one-third of the year is over I started analyzing the list and noting my accomplishments. What I realized is not how many boxes I’ve checked off but that life has been a lot less stressful and more enjoyable. I’ve taken the time to slow down and spend more time with my husband and friends. I worry less when my agenda goes awry or my to-do list is left undone. I’m not even that stressed about completing the 50 list (well maybe just a little). It’s not that I never get worked up anymore, but I feel that it’s a lot less often than it used to be. Here is my analysis of the list up to this point in the year. 

My Boyne City-Petoskey Girls

• Intentional girlfriend time has been a blessing for me. When our boys were younger and life was more chaotic I didn’t always take the time to connect with my gender unless we were with our kids. In April I had the honor of celebrating my long-time friend’s early 50^th birthday for an extended weekend in Las Vegas. Over most of our 42-year friendship, Paula and I have lived geographically apart so it was extra special to get away for girl-time. I was also able to celebrate the birthday of my neighborhood friend and running encourager, Marianne, in April. In May I caught up with my niece, Brina, over lunch, and spent a night celebrating birthdays with a host of girlfriends from Boyne City and Petoskey. During our time together we laugh, sometimes cry, reminisce, and talk. A lot. I’m thankful for all the girls in my life. You have no idea how much you mean to me.
•  I have been eating more fruits and vegetables and sometimes in place of my carbohydrates (that’s checking off two things on the list!). My new foods though haven’t always fallen in the healthy column. While on Spring Break in March I tried an alligator tail appetizer…breaded and fried. It was a little chewier than chicken nuggets but not as tough as fried clams. I doubt I’ll order them again. Las Vegas introduced me to gelato at Caesars Palace and a hot tamale at a restaurant called VegeNation. (I’m also checking off ‘a restaurant out of my comfort zone’ because I wouldn’t choose a vegan restaurant on my own.) Gelato and hot tamales both get a thumbs up. Brina and I shared fried dill pickles (Did I try them in college?) and we had eggplant for dinner one night. I’ll definitely make eggplant again.

  

  Hot Tamales

•  As a child I was a voracious reader. I read all the time. Even under my covers with a flashlight when my parents enforced bedtime. (Does that have anything to do with my terrible nearsightedness?) Over the years, I’ve put kids, jobs, and other things in front of reading. Putting books on my 50 list made me prioritize reading again. A classic novel is the only one left on my list, but I did read a bonus book in April and have two others sitting on the coffee table waiting to be read yet this year.
• Exercising at least five days a week has become normal even if some of those days are slow yoga or weight lifting. Getting into the pool for lap swims is something I look forward to each week. I’ve completed 25k of my 50k goal in organized runs/races and over 200 of the 600 miles for my Run the Year team. Plantar fasciitis has been a nagging issue this whole time though so I’m going to take a break from running for a few months to try to let it heal. The new plan is to ride my bike and swim more in place of running.

While analyzing my list it became apparent to me that everything on it had to do with relationships and not just the one with myself. Sure, more girl-time is definitely relational, but trying new foods or watching sunsets are also more fun when you do them with someone else. Even blogging every month has to do with my relationship with my kids (I’m hoping one day my boys will relate to something I share). Throughout the remainder of the year I will continue to be intentional about completing My Year of 50 list (for myself) and enjoy the bonus of spending more time with others in the process. Life is good!

Trying to Avoid a Wall-e World

One of my all-time favorite movies is Wall·e. Like most of my other favorites (e.g., Princess Bride and Up), they are made for children but have messages that adults understand. At first glance, Wall·e may seem quite boring. Watching it in the elementary school cafeteria with our boys many years ago, I thought so too. Its “no-speaking” beginning had me yawning. The wastefulness, gluttony, and laziness displayed can also be disheartening. But they sprinkled in a little robot romance and message about protecting the Earth (even though it’s not the main message) and ‘Poof!’ it became a movie I talk about often.

I really want to minimize my footprint on this earth, but I have to admit that like any relationship it takes effort. I have to intentionally make decisions that aren’t always easy and sometimes might be uncomfortable. For example, we drove to Florida for vacation. Yes, I brought my refillable water bottle. No, I did not always refill it and sometimes drank bottled water. Every time I saw a plastic straw, I cringed, but accepted them more than I’d like to admit. Even though we brought a few reusable bags, we received plastic bags when we bought groceries. (We did use them for our recycling and in place of trash bags.)

Being on vacation and not in my normal routine or environment has also made me realize, even more, the waste that we as a society accumulate...the plastic cups and straws at restaurants, the trash on the beach, and the many landfills along the highways. But I have also witnessed positive signs...people picking up trash on the beach (even when it was not theirs) and recycling bins in many locations (often overflowing but being used). These examples do give me hope that our Earth will not become a Wall·e environment, at least in my lifetime. So I will continue to do my part in taking care of my small part of this planet as well the parts of it that I don't call home.

Update on My 50 List

• Went to a Red Wings game at Little Caesars Arena, but without Elliott. While it was supposed to be his 18th birthday gift, he and his hockey team decided to play so well this year that they won a spot in the Division 1 State Semi-final game. He obviously was not concerned about going to the game with us.
  
• In February I tried a chimichanga. Not too far out of my comfort zone as I love Mexican food, but I had not tried one before. Bonus is that while doing so, I spent some girlfriend time with my friend, Micki. February was actually a great month for girl-time as I went to the movies with Kim, had lunch with Karen and Tami, spent a weekend in Harbor Springs, and did a snowshoe hike with the ladies from my neighborhood! In March, Amy, Libby, and I went to the high school play, Legally Blonde. It was awesome!
• I completed my last course and renewed my teaching certificate.
• I got a couple of weeks behind in recording in my gratitude journal, positive things about me document, and inspirational notes sent. Back on track this week. 
• I can officially say that I’ve been attending a yoga class regularly and I’m counting it as one of my five days a week for exercising. Other days include walking/running, swimming, and/or lifting. 
• My first 5k run/race toward the 50k has been completed.
• Blog post for March ✔ 

Being Thankful (in the Bathroom)

No one's favorite chore

“I love to clean the bathroom.” said no woman ever. If you’re like me, you do it because you ‘love a clean bathroom.’ There are definitely times I put off cleaning the bathroom for far too long and then really dread doing it. It’s usually at those times that my husband steps in and takes care of it for me. Yes, you read that right. My husband cleans the bathroom and has done so on many occasions.

This is just one of the many things that he does that I am thankful for (and it ranks high on the list). Just this week he fixed my treadmill and hung a picture in the guest room. He takes care of the lawn in the summer, the leaves in the fall, and the snow in the winter, all tasks I could do but prefer not to (especially picking up the dog poop that comes along with those jobs). Add to the list: car issues, plumbing problems, and making “stuff” for the house, all things I can’t do and would have to hire out. While I may do most of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and laundry, he also pitches in to help.

Very thankful for this guy!

This isn’t a checklist for other wives to give their husbands, but rather reasons for me to express thanks to him. It’s also a reminder to recognize all the things we can be thankful for. Let’s face it, life gets hard. There are going to be stretches when it’s difficult to see anything done by your spouse, parent, child, friend, or co-worker that is worthy of thanks. It’s in those times that writing (or typing) a list is important. I realized this at the lowest time in my life. It wasn’t easy to come up with a thankful or appreciation list, but it helped me to focus on the good and positive things in my relationships rather than the negative.

Thankfulness is more than just making a list though. It’s acting on it as well. When we are thankful, we should be intentional about expressing that thanks. “Thank you for cleaning the bathroom. It looks great.” or “I hate picking up the dog poop. I’m sure you don’t like it either, but I’m glad you do it.” Writing, texting, or emailing a note or making a video are other ways to thank someone. If you’re not sure what to say, read the thank you cards at a store or Google ‘how to say thanks.’

Saying thank you or showing appreciation feels good. Not only for the person that is being thanked or appreciated, but also for the giver. This may sound convoluted, but when my husband cleans the bathroom, he is thanking me for all I do around the house. As he alleviates this task from me, it makes me feel good. I, in turn, thank him for cleaning the bathroom, making him feel good for the job he did. Being thankful can be a continual cycle of feeling good.

Thankfulness is a powerful tool to use in our relationships. While it’s not always easy, we can start small. Find one thing another person does for you and thank them regularly for it. The more we practice thanksgiving the easier it becomes. As we continue to thank one another with our words and actions, we will see our relationships flourish. I pray that you begin a thankfulness journey this Thanksgiving that continues throughout the year.

Vacation Reconnect

Five destinations. Ten days. Twenty-five hundred miles. And we are still talking to one another.

While our high school junior spent Spring Break on a school trip in the Netherlands and our oldest is away at college, my husband and I decided to practice being empty nesters by taking an extended vacation alone. Alone meaning together…in the car…for 10 days. Did I mention 2,500 miles? It wasn’t actually 10 days in the car, more like six travel days of four to nine hours with some local driving at our destinations. And it wasn’t quite alone all the time. Four of the five destinations were spent reconnecting with family and friends.

At our first stop in St. Louis, MO, we had dinner with friends we made while working in Alaska 24 years ago. We reminisced about the past and talked about our jobs, kids, and futures. Our second destination brought us to my brother-in-law’s place. Over this three-day visit, we enjoyed lots of laughs and got to know his fiancé and her children. While in Nashville, TN, we really were alone. We walked, talked, fished, ate great food, and listened to some good music. In Gatlinburg, TN we stayed with friends who rented a house in the mountains for their Spring Break. It was a joy to continue this friendship in such a beautiful part of the country. Our last stop was in Louisville, KY where we caught up with Fred’s sister and brother-in-law. While our families may be close at heart we are geographically distant, so every chance we get to spend together, no matter how short, is worth it.

As I reflect on this trip, I am so grateful for the family and friends God has brought into my life. Relationships are not always easy to develop and sustain. It takes time and when we are raising families, it seems there is never enough time to stay connected. This connection also applies to our marriages. As we near empty nesting, I look back and am reminded how important it is to spend time with one another to cultivate that relationship. As we raised the boys we didn’t always make the time to spend together. Sure, there were lots of family vacations and forced family fun times. Fred and I had occasional dates and special anniversary vacations when we were alone, but no regularly scheduled date nights. I hope we are able to help our boys make date nights a priority when they have kids of their own (preferably many years from now).

This vacation reminded me of a younger us, before kids. Thank goodness we have both grown over our almost 23 years of marriage though. There were plenty of times during this trip that could have been points of contention earlier in our lives. Driving (Do I even need to say the word ‘directions’?) and in the mountains no less; mountain biking (Fred is much more adventurous than me on the trails.); fishing (I haven’t fished since Alaska and don’t have the patience he does.); eating (I need fruits and veggies once in a while!); activities (I tend to have more varied interests than him.). In addition, I didn’t over plan the vacation and Fred didn’t complain about driving. We moved a little slower, went to bed a little earlier, were more patient with one another, and sought to make each other happy. We just might survive life without kids if we keep this up.

Did we miss the kids? Of course, but we texted and talked to them, and bragged about what a great time we were having. In less than 18 months, we will officially be empty nesters. We’ll continue to miss them (on vacation or not), but want them to move on with their lives. Just like us.

Let Them Participate in Extra-Curriculars

 As I watched our son interact with his sailing friends at dinner last night, his sports “career” flashed through my mind.  All the hockey, football, baseball, cross country, sailing, and soccer practices and events we have been to over the years. So many early mornings. So many miles in the car. So much money spent on sports fees, equipment, shoes, camps, food, lodging, etc. Observing him at the table, his body language, facial expressions, and actions, I realized how important his involvement in sports was to him and to me.

Maybe I’m just getting nostalgic as it’s his senior year or maybe it’s the trip we’re currently on. I’m not sure why those images are flashing through my mind, but I sure am enjoying them. On this current trip, I feel I have reconnected with him, having real, normal conversations in the car like we used to. (As compared to the few conversations we have at home that revolve around schedules, homework, cleaning his room, and scholarship applications.) The difference now is that he’s doing some of the driving.

In our workout room, there are framed pictures of the boys in all their sports over the years. Every time I am in that room (wishing I spent more time in there), I look at those pictures and reminisce about the team they were on or a particular play they made or something about that time in their lives. Watching them grow and mature in their skills, and in life, through these sports has been an important part of my own growth. I believe these experiences help me practice patience, enhance my time management and budgeting skills, and become a better parent.

As I reflected on these memories, I remembered this blog post from our younger son when he was in seventh grade. I thought it quite insightful for a 12-year old, and one that made me realize how important sports were to him.

Why sports matter

Almost everyone has at least one activity that they love. For some women it may be shopping, for men it could be fixing cars, but for many athletes there is one sport that we just cannot live without. I was reminded of that the other day when I went back to hockey practice after taking a year off. You see us athletes, we do love the sports that we play. But, it’s more than the sport, it’s what the sport gives back.

Playing sports gives you a sense of accomplishment. Athletes love when the coach tells them “good job,” or when they make a big play to help the team out. If you ask me, I have yet to find a better feeling in life than making an open field tackle to stop the other team from getting a touchdown, or stopping someone on a breakaway to keep my team in the game. For many athletes, they look forward to the next goal they score, or the next big hit they layout as much as some people might look forward to their next paycheck. Achievements in sports are just somehow more fulfilling than many other accomplishments. Maybe it’s because it not only helps you, but also your team, or maybe it’s because YOU did it instead of anyone else from the entire other team or even the rest of your team.

I think possibly even more importantly than what you accomplish, is the friends that you make. When hanging out with people day in and day out at practices and games, you make special bonds. You help each other through much physical and emotional pain, especially when you travel with your team as much as much as you do in hockey. In hockey, you become more than just teammates, you become friends. When you play with them your whole life, you become more than friends even… you become family. You feel comfortable around them. You often can trust your teammates more than anyone else. I think it’s because you have to trust them in games, and you learn to trust in them in real life.

This is why I think sports are very important for kids to be involved in. It is a chance for kids to set their differences aside and work together and bond together. It will help them make new friends, and teach them many important life lessons.

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For my boys, when you get irritated that your kids’ sports schedules infringe on your free time or frustrated that there’s not enough money left for you to buy what you want, remember the experiences you had as a youth, the friends you made, and the lessons you learned. Even though dad and I have complained plenty about the time commitment and cost of sports, I hope this post lets you know that it was a worthwhile investment. Be part of your children’s lives by being involved in their extra-curriculars, whatever they may be.

How Do You Prioritize Friendship?

We all must prioritize relationships in our lives, and at different times in our lives, we prioritize different relationships. As a teenager, my relationship priority was my friends, not my family. At the time I realized I loved the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, my priority changed from friends to him, to the point that I spent a summer in Alaska with him instead of being in my friends’ weddings. (Thank goodness those friends understood and are still a part of my life.) When our kids were born, my relationship with the babes became a higher priority than spending time with others, sometimes even my husband (…remembering the exhaustion).

Prioritizing does not mean that ALL your time has to be on a particular relationship. In fact, that would be quite unhealthy. I can prioritize my husband and children and still find time to spend a weekend with friends or regularly walk the dog, since we have a relationship too (although she’s much better at the relationship than I am). I can even spend time with my family and friends at the same time.

A couple of days ago, I prioritized visiting a friend I had not seen in over 15 years, and I’m so glad that I did! Bill returns from California every summer to visit his parents, yet I’ve failed to get there to see him.  Sure, we are connected through Facebook, but getting a hug and talking do not even compare to my computer screen. This summer, I traveled the five short hours to the house on the lake for a visit. Not only were we able to reminisce about the past and catch up on the past 15 years, I was able to meet his children and fiancé, reconnect with his parents, and visit with his siblings. What made it even more special to me is that my family could be there too, a feat in itself with two working teenagers. I’m so thankful that they prioritized this time to spend with me.

As an added bonus, my long-time friend, Paula, was able to stop out to visit as well. Even though it has not been too long since we have been together (we ran a 5K in May), it’s always encouraging to see her. While her recent blog post (Hat of Many Colors - Friends and Motivators) mentions that I inspired her to start running again, she also inspires me to keep going with this blog (even if Bill was the instigator this time around).

I have moved around quite a bit in my adulthood and have left many friends. I have had close friends move away from me. But friendships are for a lifetime, if we only make the effort. With lifetime friends, it’s easy to pick up right where you left off. This is one lesson I see my children already learning. After moving away from the only home they had known for their 13+ years, our boys have made some wonderful new friends. They still keep in contact with their many of their old ones as well. Technology has played a large role in this, but they also make an effort to see those friends face-to-face whenever possible. As their lives get more complicated with college, careers, and families of their own, I hope they will successfully continue to prioritize and re-prioritize their relationships in life.

So to my boys (who I hope will be reading this in the future, but who are also “proofing” this post for me today)…Which relationships are you prioritizing today? Is this a season in your life where your friends are a priority? Maybe you are in a time period of your life where you should be prioritizing your spouse or your children (this time is shorter than you think).  Maybe you finally stumbled upon this blog in your empty-nester years and you realize that your relationship priority needs to be your parents. Don’t worry, I’ll forgive you for all those years when you had other priorities.

Long-Term Friends

A very good friend of mine recently blogged about our lengthy relationship, which is approaching 40 years. (Read about it here.) Paula was the first friend I made when my family moved from "town" to the "country" (not that there was much of a difference in the U.P. at the time). As she mentions, whenever I think, see or hear of cat's cradle, I think of her. She does a great job describing our friendship through the years, along with sharing some embarrassing and wonderful pictures of us.

Friends made in his lifetime so far

My friendship with Paula gives me hope for our boys. My husband's job has taken our family to a new town, a new school and new friends. As teenage boys who have grown up in one small town, this is going to be a difficult transition. Their attitudes have been awesome and they have summer jobs, but they miss their friends from "home." I've had many conversations with them about all the new friends they will make in the new town, when they go to college and in their careers. I've also told them that some of their current friends will be friends for life...like Paula.

Friends since high school

As stated in her blog, there is a difference between friends and acquaintances. Long-term friends are there through the many stages of life. A particular situation or life event may bring the friends together, but it's the staying together that defines friendship. As in any relationship, there may be disagreements, but there is also reconciliation, joy and a comfort in knowing that they love you no matter what. It isn't proximity that keeps people friends. It's not even having a lot in common. It's the connection people feel when both parties are interested in the other's lives and make a point to let them know.

While I haven't known all my friends as long as Paula, I treasure the many I have made over the years. The close relationships I built with people in high school, college or the many moves I made in my life are enduring to me. No matter where life takes me, I still have the experiences, memories and connections with these friends. I believe God put each individual person in my life at the right time for a specific purpose. If you are one of these friends, know that you are valuable to me.

I saw the following video earlier this year and thought of Paula and I (not sure which of us is Alice). I would feel blessed if we are still laughing and spending time together when we are 100 years old!