Vacation Reconnect

Five destinations. Ten days. Twenty-five hundred miles. And we are still talking to one another.

While our high school junior spent Spring Break on a school trip in the Netherlands and our oldest is away at college, my husband and I decided to practice being empty nesters by taking an extended vacation alone. Alone meaning together…in the car…for 10 days. Did I mention 2,500 miles? It wasn’t actually 10 days in the car, more like six travel days of four to nine hours with some local driving at our destinations. And it wasn’t quite alone all the time. Four of the five destinations were spent reconnecting with family and friends.

At our first stop in St. Louis, MO, we had dinner with friends we made while working in Alaska 24 years ago. We reminisced about the past and talked about our jobs, kids, and futures. Our second destination brought us to my brother-in-law’s place. Over this three-day visit, we enjoyed lots of laughs and got to know his fiancé and her children. While in Nashville, TN, we really were alone. We walked, talked, fished, ate great food, and listened to some good music. In Gatlinburg, TN we stayed with friends who rented a house in the mountains for their Spring Break. It was a joy to continue this friendship in such a beautiful part of the country. Our last stop was in Louisville, KY where we caught up with Fred’s sister and brother-in-law. While our families may be close at heart we are geographically distant, so every chance we get to spend together, no matter how short, is worth it.

As I reflect on this trip, I am so grateful for the family and friends God has brought into my life. Relationships are not always easy to develop and sustain. It takes time and when we are raising families, it seems there is never enough time to stay connected. This connection also applies to our marriages. As we near empty nesting, I look back and am reminded how important it is to spend time with one another to cultivate that relationship. As we raised the boys we didn’t always make the time to spend together. Sure, there were lots of family vacations and forced family fun times. Fred and I had occasional dates and special anniversary vacations when we were alone, but no regularly scheduled date nights. I hope we are able to help our boys make date nights a priority when they have kids of their own (preferably many years from now).

This vacation reminded me of a younger us, before kids. Thank goodness we have both grown over our almost 23 years of marriage though. There were plenty of times during this trip that could have been points of contention earlier in our lives. Driving (Do I even need to say the word ‘directions’?) and in the mountains no less; mountain biking (Fred is much more adventurous than me on the trails.); fishing (I haven’t fished since Alaska and don’t have the patience he does.); eating (I need fruits and veggies once in a while!); activities (I tend to have more varied interests than him.). In addition, I didn’t over plan the vacation and Fred didn’t complain about driving. We moved a little slower, went to bed a little earlier, were more patient with one another, and sought to make each other happy. We just might survive life without kids if we keep this up.

Did we miss the kids? Of course, but we texted and talked to them, and bragged about what a great time we were having. In less than 18 months, we will officially be empty nesters. We’ll continue to miss them (on vacation or not), but want them to move on with their lives. Just like us.

Hello

Ever since I first heard Adele’s Hello song, I thought of a ‘thousand’ things that could be written in a parody from “your mother’s side.” There are a couple of mother parody videos on the Internet, but I wanted one that my boys could relate to during their teenage years so I wrote my own. This may ruin the popular song for them, but I’m sure they think I ruin plenty of things for them at this time in their lives. Also, I don’t sing (at least not out loud), so the following are just the lyrics.

Hello, it’s me
I was remembering all of the years between you and me
When you were younger and needed me
They say you shouldn’t rush it and now I know just what they mean

 

Hello, can you hear me
I’m at home and dreaming ‘bout the kid you used to be
But now you’re older and don’t need me
You’re independent hanging with your friends instead of family

 

There is so much history between us
A million memories

 

Hello from your mother’s side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m tired of your messy room
Why can’t you pick your clothes up from the floor

 

Hello from the outside
Seems like I’m always your ride
To take you to practice and then bring you home
Did you do your homework or does it need to be done tonight

 

Hello where are you
You’ve been busy growing up and that’s tough for me and dad
I hope that you’re safe
Did you go to that party where nothing good would happen

 

It’s no secret that the both of us
Have made our own mistakes

 

So hello from your mother’s side
I must have cried a thousand times
As I told you I’m sorry for yelling at you
But when I ask you it never seems to get done

 

Hello from my mother’s side
Now I see how she tried
To get me ready for raising your right
I still look for her guidance even though she’s not here anymore

 

Hello from your mother’s side
I must’ve told you a thousand times
Forever I’ll love you whatever you do
Even when you grow up and move from our home

 

Hello from the outside
You will not believe my pride
When you get married and have kids of your own
But don’t hurry it clearly doesn’t have to be soon at all

(I can see all kinds of places where the boys will be giving me grief, but I’m posting this anyway.)

Writing this parody was fun. We were five hours into a nine hour car ride to my sister-in-law’s house for Christmas. Our youngest son and I were in the back seat listening and “rewinding” (Can you rewind digital?) Adele’s Hello song on his phone while we tried to come up with words that made sense and fit into the music. Every time I wrote ‘hello,’ I would spell it hellow. Every. Time. And every time I would laugh at myself. That’s something my mom would have done. As I laughed at myself, I could hear her laugh. This parody may not make the top 10 (or even top 10,000), but the joy it brought me in reminiscing about my mom and making a new memory with E tops my list.

Let Them Participate in Extra-Curriculars

 As I watched our son interact with his sailing friends at dinner last night, his sports “career” flashed through my mind.  All the hockey, football, baseball, cross country, sailing, and soccer practices and events we have been to over the years. So many early mornings. So many miles in the car. So much money spent on sports fees, equipment, shoes, camps, food, lodging, etc. Observing him at the table, his body language, facial expressions, and actions, I realized how important his involvement in sports was to him and to me.

Maybe I’m just getting nostalgic as it’s his senior year or maybe it’s the trip we’re currently on. I’m not sure why those images are flashing through my mind, but I sure am enjoying them. On this current trip, I feel I have reconnected with him, having real, normal conversations in the car like we used to. (As compared to the few conversations we have at home that revolve around schedules, homework, cleaning his room, and scholarship applications.) The difference now is that he’s doing some of the driving.

In our workout room, there are framed pictures of the boys in all their sports over the years. Every time I am in that room (wishing I spent more time in there), I look at those pictures and reminisce about the team they were on or a particular play they made or something about that time in their lives. Watching them grow and mature in their skills, and in life, through these sports has been an important part of my own growth. I believe these experiences help me practice patience, enhance my time management and budgeting skills, and become a better parent.

As I reflected on these memories, I remembered this blog post from our younger son when he was in seventh grade. I thought it quite insightful for a 12-year old, and one that made me realize how important sports were to him.

Why sports matter

Almost everyone has at least one activity that they love. For some women it may be shopping, for men it could be fixing cars, but for many athletes there is one sport that we just cannot live without. I was reminded of that the other day when I went back to hockey practice after taking a year off. You see us athletes, we do love the sports that we play. But, it’s more than the sport, it’s what the sport gives back.

Playing sports gives you a sense of accomplishment. Athletes love when the coach tells them “good job,” or when they make a big play to help the team out. If you ask me, I have yet to find a better feeling in life than making an open field tackle to stop the other team from getting a touchdown, or stopping someone on a breakaway to keep my team in the game. For many athletes, they look forward to the next goal they score, or the next big hit they layout as much as some people might look forward to their next paycheck. Achievements in sports are just somehow more fulfilling than many other accomplishments. Maybe it’s because it not only helps you, but also your team, or maybe it’s because YOU did it instead of anyone else from the entire other team or even the rest of your team.

I think possibly even more importantly than what you accomplish, is the friends that you make. When hanging out with people day in and day out at practices and games, you make special bonds. You help each other through much physical and emotional pain, especially when you travel with your team as much as much as you do in hockey. In hockey, you become more than just teammates, you become friends. When you play with them your whole life, you become more than friends even… you become family. You feel comfortable around them. You often can trust your teammates more than anyone else. I think it’s because you have to trust them in games, and you learn to trust in them in real life.

This is why I think sports are very important for kids to be involved in. It is a chance for kids to set their differences aside and work together and bond together. It will help them make new friends, and teach them many important life lessons.

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For my boys, when you get irritated that your kids’ sports schedules infringe on your free time or frustrated that there’s not enough money left for you to buy what you want, remember the experiences you had as a youth, the friends you made, and the lessons you learned. Even though dad and I have complained plenty about the time commitment and cost of sports, I hope this post lets you know that it was a worthwhile investment. Be part of your children’s lives by being involved in their extra-curriculars, whatever they may be.

Driver's Education

Our eldest son, Kyle, started driver’s training last week, even though he’s 14.* While it's hard to believe this phase of his life is upon us, I'm glad it's finally here. Not just for the convenience this will offer us (in 13 more months), but being able to say "yes" when he asks to drive (next month) will be great. Over the last year or so, we've often heard..."Can I drive?" "I'll drive!" "When can I drive?" Each time my response has been..."Not yet." "Soon." "I wish." "If you could, I'd let you."

As I reflect on his path to this point, I see how he has been practicing for this event. It all  started with his red Radio Flyer tricycle. Even before he could pedal the tricycle, he wanted to ride it. We'd push him around the cement slab or parking lot, wherever we happened to be. He eventually learned to pedal it himself, but got frustrated with his lack of speed. When the tricycle wasn't exciting enough, he moved onto a battery-powered four wheeler with slick plastic wheels. This was the first time I worried about his driving skills...too fast. Next was his bicycle, with training wheels, of course. He would race around on that bike in the driveway, teetering back and forth between wheels. It wasn't long before he raced around on his bike everywhere we went, on two wheels. After his bike, came the neighbor's 50cc motorcycle that he almost drove into a tree. Then grandpa bought a golf cart for great-grandpa to get around the property. Kyle first got to drive it under adult supervision, but was soon driving it alone, or with passengers. He loves to drive the golf cart, fast and backward.

I have seen growth and confidence in Kyle's "driving" abilities over the years. Learning the biking rules of the road has helped him understand stopping at intersections, staying on his side of the road, and watching out for others. He learned to use one foot to control the pedals on the golf cart rather than two. As for confidence, it didn't matter if it was skills in school, sports, music, or hobbies, the more confident he had in his abilities, the better he became. I hope that continues as he practices driving. While I love seeing him confident, I don't necessarily like watching him drive the golf cart (or the car) around backward.

In each phase of Kyle's growth, I also learned to trust him a little more. Trust that he had enough balance to not fall on his bike. Trust that he would stop at the next intersection when he would ride ahead of me. Trust that he wouldn't go too fast and watch where he was going on the golf cart. Now as he ventures into driving a car, I have to learn to trust his judgment, trust his skills, and trust he uses the car wisely. While I'm sure I will worry about him, especially when he gets his license and drives alone, I know this is an important step in his journey to adulthood. I look forward to participating in this exciting part of his life, building memories that I hope he will remember when he goes through the same experience with his kids.

 
*Driver’s education has changed in Michigan since I took it. Students can now start driver’s training when they are 14 years and 8 months. They go through Segment 1, which is 24 hours of classroom time, six hours behind the wheel, and four hours of observation while another student is behind the wheel. Once they have their Level 1 license for at least three months and acquired 30 hours of driving experience, with some night hours in there, they can take Segment 2. After six hours of classroom instruction in Segment 2, they can receive their driver’s license at 16 years old.