❤ = love, sort of

Long before the heart emoji existed, many people, including me, drew hearts to express their love. I put hearts at the end of letters and in cards. I included hearts on notes to my parents and friends. I wrote hearts in my school notebooks next to names of boys I liked. While those hearts represented my love at the time, I knew very little of what love was.

Rarely do I hear the words ‘What is love?’ and not hear the song by Haddaway in my head or think about the Night at the Roxbury skit. Type in ‘love’ in Google and you will get 13.16 billion results. Songs, books, movies, news stories, psychological articles, nonprofits, sites that sell love/love-related items, and more. It’s quite a popular topic. Look at the definition of love and you’ll find it is a noun (e.g., a feeling, a person, or a score in tennis), yet it is shown through our actions (i.e., a verb).  

Love, of course, is more than a feeling. People fall in and out of the ‘love feeling’ all the time. When we love others, it doesn’t mean we’ll never get hurt or that we’ll never hurt others. We love our children, but they probably think we hurt them when they are disciplined. I’m guilty of hurting my husband, children, and friends by saying mean things to them. Having “tough love” by not fixing the mistakes our loved ones make is not easy to do either. It really is hard to love at times.

I want to love better. #37 on My 50 List is ‘Study love as described in the Bible.’ Throughout 2018, my studying consisted of morning devotions about love (some but not all). I also read the book Love Like That: 5 Relationship Secrets From Jesus by Les Parrott III. And I’ve read 1 Corinthians 13 in different translations. Yes, I could have studied more, and even though 2018 is over, I plan to continue to learn more about love.

According to The Message, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says [bolding is mine]

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This message seems counter to what we learn in our world today… it’s okay to be impatient with the waitress or the car in front of you or the cashier at the grocery store; every commercial encourages you to be better than others; keep up with the Jones’ of social media; be angry with others whose opinions differ from yours.

Since I was a youth, I heard and read the above Corinthians verses. Reading the words isn’t the same as living them and it wasn’t until about six years ago that I started to really internalize them. I asked God for years to give me patience. Then I read somewhere that God doesn’t GIVE us patience, He helps us through situations so we LEARN patience. I realized that I “coveted” more than I thought (e.g., better hair, more money, less weight, etc.). When I’m tired or stressed, I lash out at others. And I would love to erase the mental list of wrongs done to me. When I truly study the love list, I have much room for improvement.

As a physical reminder about wanting to love better, I chose to get a tattoo (#10 on My 50 List). The tattoo I chose is an infinity symbol with a cross and a heart, located on my wrist so I see it every day. It’s a reminder to me that I want to love continually but I need help in doing so and I get that help through my faith. I’d like to love unconditionally. I’d like to always follow the love instructions in 1 Corinthians 13. Yet I know that I will sometimes (maybe often) fail. And that’s okay as long as I keep seeking help from God to learn a little more about loving others. Even though I know I won’t be able to love perfectly, it’s something I will strive toward beyond My 50 List (and beyond the ❤ emoji).

Learning through Life’s Struggles

There he was. On his stomach. Grunting and groaning, whining and fussing. His head bobbed up and down. His arms and legs whipped all around. He stretched and strained, but he could not move across the floor.

We bought a camcorder the summer our first child was born. Over nine years, we accumulated 30 hours of our life on tape. Not wanting to lose those memories, I recently converted the 15 8mm tapes to digital. Of course I had to start watching the recordings to make sure they were actually converted. 😉 Oh the hours of our adorable baby on those first few tapes! (Three for just his first five months!)

In that first year of our oldest son’s life, I watched as he strained to control his arms and hands, learned to swallow cereal, struggled to roll over, and figured out how to comfort himself. It took him more than one or two minutes, and more than one or two times, before he mastered each of these skills. To be honest, there were parts of the video where I was telling my younger self to put down the camera and pick him up! But it was in those struggles where his learning occurred.

Isn’t that life? We struggle with problems, obstacles, and pain in our lives. We complain when life gets difficult, forgetting that there is a lesson in each of those situations. The older I get, the more I understand how the struggles in my life have helped me to grow. I’m not saying I liked the struggles, but I am pretty proud to have successfully come out on the other side a wiser, patient, and more empathetic person.

Many of the lessons in my life have taken more than one or two minutes, and more than one or two struggles, to learn. Holding my tongue, being patient with others, and understanding that I’m not in control have taken many years to acquire (at times I still have to work on them). Through these life lessons, I’ve also grown in my relationship with God. My faith has become stronger as I’ve learned to trust Him when life is hard. Learning to trust God was a lesson in itself.

Our sons no longer have the struggles they did as infants, but they will continue to have struggles. Adult problems. Financial. Physical. Mental. Relational. Career. I hope they reach out to us when they are hurting. I want them to look for the lesson in each hardship. And I pray that they seek God to walk with them through difficult times.

Driver's Education

Our eldest son, Kyle, started driver’s training last week, even though he’s 14.* While it's hard to believe this phase of his life is upon us, I'm glad it's finally here. Not just for the convenience this will offer us (in 13 more months), but being able to say "yes" when he asks to drive (next month) will be great. Over the last year or so, we've often heard..."Can I drive?" "I'll drive!" "When can I drive?" Each time my response has been..."Not yet." "Soon." "I wish." "If you could, I'd let you."

As I reflect on his path to this point, I see how he has been practicing for this event. It all  started with his red Radio Flyer tricycle. Even before he could pedal the tricycle, he wanted to ride it. We'd push him around the cement slab or parking lot, wherever we happened to be. He eventually learned to pedal it himself, but got frustrated with his lack of speed. When the tricycle wasn't exciting enough, he moved onto a battery-powered four wheeler with slick plastic wheels. This was the first time I worried about his driving skills...too fast. Next was his bicycle, with training wheels, of course. He would race around on that bike in the driveway, teetering back and forth between wheels. It wasn't long before he raced around on his bike everywhere we went, on two wheels. After his bike, came the neighbor's 50cc motorcycle that he almost drove into a tree. Then grandpa bought a golf cart for great-grandpa to get around the property. Kyle first got to drive it under adult supervision, but was soon driving it alone, or with passengers. He loves to drive the golf cart, fast and backward.

I have seen growth and confidence in Kyle's "driving" abilities over the years. Learning the biking rules of the road has helped him understand stopping at intersections, staying on his side of the road, and watching out for others. He learned to use one foot to control the pedals on the golf cart rather than two. As for confidence, it didn't matter if it was skills in school, sports, music, or hobbies, the more confident he had in his abilities, the better he became. I hope that continues as he practices driving. While I love seeing him confident, I don't necessarily like watching him drive the golf cart (or the car) around backward.

In each phase of Kyle's growth, I also learned to trust him a little more. Trust that he had enough balance to not fall on his bike. Trust that he would stop at the next intersection when he would ride ahead of me. Trust that he wouldn't go too fast and watch where he was going on the golf cart. Now as he ventures into driving a car, I have to learn to trust his judgment, trust his skills, and trust he uses the car wisely. While I'm sure I will worry about him, especially when he gets his license and drives alone, I know this is an important step in his journey to adulthood. I look forward to participating in this exciting part of his life, building memories that I hope he will remember when he goes through the same experience with his kids.

 
*Driver’s education has changed in Michigan since I took it. Students can now start driver’s training when they are 14 years and 8 months. They go through Segment 1, which is 24 hours of classroom time, six hours behind the wheel, and four hours of observation while another student is behind the wheel. Once they have their Level 1 license for at least three months and acquired 30 hours of driving experience, with some night hours in there, they can take Segment 2. After six hours of classroom instruction in Segment 2, they can receive their driver’s license at 16 years old.