Active Aging

Our trail companion

My husband and I started our empty nesting with a trip to Isle Royale National Park and the Apostle Islands (WI) this past week. Prior to children, we had been pretty adventurous people. We hiked, biked, rock climbed, white water rafted, and even spent a summer working in Alaska. I’ve been looking forward to returning to many of these activities after the boys were on their own.

During this eight day excursion we hiked, biked, kayaked, and walked. Throughout the trip I came to a few realizations about my current “adventurous” self. 

1. I’m not quite as “active” as I used to be [and that’s okay]. 
2. I still like the challenge of these activities.
3. I can [and want to] do these activities.

We saw lots of people with large backpacks going to Isle Royale on the ferry. I started to feel like a wimp as we chose to stay in the Lodge. Fred reminded me that it was okay. We had done plenty of tent camping in the past and it’s not like we were staying at the Ritz. (The Lodge was equivalent to a normal budget hotel room.) And he was right. When it rained the first night, I was thankful for my warm, dry room (with a bathroom).

Isle Royale

I try to remain active by walking, biking, and swimming. I know I could be doing these at a more intensive level and grasped that even more on this trip. Back in my twenties I had a lot more stamina both during the activity and for the entire day. I also wasn’t as sore and achy after physical exertion. During this trip, I found myself being more cautious with my footing as we hiked and climbed rocks. Where I used to bound down the trail or from one rock to another, my brain and body now told me to take it slow.

After spending 20 years raising kids and focusing on activities that interested them, I had begun to wonder if I’d find enjoyment in my interests anymore. Those fears were dispelled on this trip. Getting to the top of the trail and overlooking Lake Superior or exploring a sea cave in a kayak was still exhilarating (I even giggled when ducking down to go through a small sea cave...twice!). While the trail sometimes seemed long or the rain put a damper on the view, the feeling of accomplishment made it worth the discomfort.

Apostle Islands

Even though I’m not as active as I used to be and not nearly in the shape I’d like to be, I realized I’m still able to do these types of activities. More than that, I want to do them. It doesn’t matter to me if I’m slower than before, I want the challenge and the high that comes with it. I’m not sure we’ll go back to Isle Royale (there are so many places I’d like to see), but if we do, I’d consider hiking from one end of the island to the other (40 miles). There were lots of retired people enjoying the activities the outdoors provided. That gives me encouragement that 10-15 years in the future, I will still be able to hike, bike, kayak, etc. I hope Fred and I have many opportunities to continue to challenge our active selves in this empty nesting phase of our life.

Note to our boys: You’re never too old to explore new places. You would love exploring both of these places so put them on your bucket list.

My Year of 50

Welcome, 2018! This is the year our youngest son becomes an adult, our oldest son is no longer a teenager, and I turn f-i-f-t-y. The Big 5-0. I remember when my dad turned 50. Big party, black balloons, and an over the hill cake. It used to seem so old. Half a century old. 

I don’t feel that way about 50 anymore. No anxiety or depression about that number here. I’m actually looking forward to turning 50 and will celebrate it throughout 2018 with a My Year of 50 list. The list began with things I’ve wanted to do for a long time like go to the Lilac Festival, read more, and get a tattoo. I added things I do but would like to do better such as eating more fruits and vegetables and exercising more often. Items I need to or should do this year like get a colonoscopy (ugh) were added, but to get to number 50, I used Google (found some great ideas too).

I’m sharing this list with family and friends for a couple of reasons. The first is that I hope others will join me in completing some of the items on the list. After all, life is more fun when shared with others. The second reason is accountability. If I kept it to myself it would be very easy to not follow through (like all the years I said I’d go to the Lilac Festival and did not). If you’re interested in participating in a number below, please message me. It’s going to be a great year!

My Year of 50

1. Attend hockey game at new arena with Elliott for his 18^th birthday
2. Complete a total of 50k in race/runs
3. Contribute at least 600 miles to my Run 2018 team
4. Eat fewer carbohydrates and less sugar
5. Eat more fruits and veggies
6. Exercise at least five days a week
7. Explore the Apostle Islands, Wisconsin
8. Get a colonoscopy
9. Get a facial
10. Get a tattoo
11. Get highlights
12. Get rid of outdated clothes
13. Go on a picnic
14. Go to a concert at a venue I’ve never been
15. Go to a movie in the middle of the day during the week
16. Go to the Lilac Festival on Mackinac Island
17. Grow a hanging tomato plant
18. Hike on Grand Island, Munising
19. Learn more about my family history
20. Learn some new Finnish and/or Italian words
21. Listen to new music
22. Make mint tea from the plants in our garden
23. Monthly coffee/drink date with a girlfriend
24. Pay for a stranger’s meal
25. Post once a week on Instagram/Facebook
26. Read a classic novel
27. Read Brown Girl Dreaming
28. Read Still Alice
29. Read the Girl in the Spider’s Web
30. Reconnect with an old friend
31. Renew my teaching certificate
32. Send/leave an inspirational note/compliment to someone each week
33. Spend an entire day watching movies/tv (at home)
34. Start a gratitude journal and place an entry every week
35. Stay in bed until 11 am, at least once
36. Stay on Isle Royale
37. Study love as described in the Bible
38. Take a new family photo
39. Take a yoga or Pilates class
40. Take an Ancestry DNA test
41. Try a new food every month
42. Try a new restaurant that is out of my comfort zone
43. Update the photos in the picture frames around the house
44. Volunteer at a soup kitchen (or similar place)
45. Watch a 25 cent movie at the State Theatre
46. Watch a movie at the TC Film Festival
47. Watch at least 10 sunsets
48. Watch Still Alice and compare to book
49. Write down one positive thing about myself each week
50. Write in my blog every month (This post counts for January!)

Vacation Reconnect

Five destinations. Ten days. Twenty-five hundred miles. And we are still talking to one another.

While our high school junior spent Spring Break on a school trip in the Netherlands and our oldest is away at college, my husband and I decided to practice being empty nesters by taking an extended vacation alone. Alone meaning together…in the car…for 10 days. Did I mention 2,500 miles? It wasn’t actually 10 days in the car, more like six travel days of four to nine hours with some local driving at our destinations. And it wasn’t quite alone all the time. Four of the five destinations were spent reconnecting with family and friends.

At our first stop in St. Louis, MO, we had dinner with friends we made while working in Alaska 24 years ago. We reminisced about the past and talked about our jobs, kids, and futures. Our second destination brought us to my brother-in-law’s place. Over this three-day visit, we enjoyed lots of laughs and got to know his fiancé and her children. While in Nashville, TN, we really were alone. We walked, talked, fished, ate great food, and listened to some good music. In Gatlinburg, TN we stayed with friends who rented a house in the mountains for their Spring Break. It was a joy to continue this friendship in such a beautiful part of the country. Our last stop was in Louisville, KY where we caught up with Fred’s sister and brother-in-law. While our families may be close at heart we are geographically distant, so every chance we get to spend together, no matter how short, is worth it.

As I reflect on this trip, I am so grateful for the family and friends God has brought into my life. Relationships are not always easy to develop and sustain. It takes time and when we are raising families, it seems there is never enough time to stay connected. This connection also applies to our marriages. As we near empty nesting, I look back and am reminded how important it is to spend time with one another to cultivate that relationship. As we raised the boys we didn’t always make the time to spend together. Sure, there were lots of family vacations and forced family fun times. Fred and I had occasional dates and special anniversary vacations when we were alone, but no regularly scheduled date nights. I hope we are able to help our boys make date nights a priority when they have kids of their own (preferably many years from now).

This vacation reminded me of a younger us, before kids. Thank goodness we have both grown over our almost 23 years of marriage though. There were plenty of times during this trip that could have been points of contention earlier in our lives. Driving (Do I even need to say the word ‘directions’?) and in the mountains no less; mountain biking (Fred is much more adventurous than me on the trails.); fishing (I haven’t fished since Alaska and don’t have the patience he does.); eating (I need fruits and veggies once in a while!); activities (I tend to have more varied interests than him.). In addition, I didn’t over plan the vacation and Fred didn’t complain about driving. We moved a little slower, went to bed a little earlier, were more patient with one another, and sought to make each other happy. We just might survive life without kids if we keep this up.

Did we miss the kids? Of course, but we texted and talked to them, and bragged about what a great time we were having. In less than 18 months, we will officially be empty nesters. We’ll continue to miss them (on vacation or not), but want them to move on with their lives. Just like us.

Long-Term Friends

A very good friend of mine recently blogged about our lengthy relationship, which is approaching 40 years. (Read about it here.) Paula was the first friend I made when my family moved from "town" to the "country" (not that there was much of a difference in the U.P. at the time). As she mentions, whenever I think, see or hear of cat's cradle, I think of her. She does a great job describing our friendship through the years, along with sharing some embarrassing and wonderful pictures of us.

Friends made in his lifetime so far

My friendship with Paula gives me hope for our boys. My husband's job has taken our family to a new town, a new school and new friends. As teenage boys who have grown up in one small town, this is going to be a difficult transition. Their attitudes have been awesome and they have summer jobs, but they miss their friends from "home." I've had many conversations with them about all the new friends they will make in the new town, when they go to college and in their careers. I've also told them that some of their current friends will be friends for life...like Paula.

Friends since high school

As stated in her blog, there is a difference between friends and acquaintances. Long-term friends are there through the many stages of life. A particular situation or life event may bring the friends together, but it's the staying together that defines friendship. As in any relationship, there may be disagreements, but there is also reconciliation, joy and a comfort in knowing that they love you no matter what. It isn't proximity that keeps people friends. It's not even having a lot in common. It's the connection people feel when both parties are interested in the other's lives and make a point to let them know.

While I haven't known all my friends as long as Paula, I treasure the many I have made over the years. The close relationships I built with people in high school, college or the many moves I made in my life are enduring to me. No matter where life takes me, I still have the experiences, memories and connections with these friends. I believe God put each individual person in my life at the right time for a specific purpose. If you are one of these friends, know that you are valuable to me.

I saw the following video earlier this year and thought of Paula and I (not sure which of us is Alice). I would feel blessed if we are still laughing and spending time together when we are 100 years old!

Living on the Boat

Current Address: Slip #1

We are waiting for our house to sell and have been living two-hours away on our 34' sailboat for over a month. Now I know you're probably saying, "How great is that?" or "What fun!" as these are the statements we usually hear when people find out we're living on the boat. Yes, there are great things about boat dwelling, but there are also those that make life difficult. Our relationships are being tested and strengthened, I hope, through doing this together. I will try to summarize our experience so far.

Great things about living on the boat:

•   Cleaning takes a small fraction of the time the house does. And quite frankly, I'm learning not to stress so much about the clutter...in the short term anyway.

•   Waking up to the sun shining on a glassy bay dotted with boats or watching the wind form ripple patterns as it blows across the water.

•   There is no television and no wi-fi (although we all have data on our phones). The limited time we spend together is in close proximity. We are more attuned to each others' schedules and life problems since we are forced to do more talking.

Cabin, pre-living

•   The boys pitch in to do whatever needs to be done. From sailing to cooking and doing the dishes, to taking the dog for a walk and cleaning up after her, to odds and ends like getting the towel that blew off the boat and was on the bottom of the lake, they have been diligent in helping us, with very little complaining.

•   We live wherever the boat takes us. While we have a "home base" slip, we have also stayed in a nearby marina. This marina allowed our boys more freedom in getting to work and finding activities to do on their own. A change of scenery is refreshing.

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? Keep reading. The following list may change your mind.

Issues that test us while living on the boat:

Cabin, two-weeks in

•   While it doesn't take too long to clean the boat, it's mostly because our stuff takes up a lot of room. That's not saying much when four people and a dog live in a space smaller than most bedrooms. Learning where to store our clothing, bathing, cooking, cleaning, eating and entertaining items has been interesting.

•   "Put your dirty clothes in the bag instead of all over the boat."

•   "Take the long board off the boat so the dog has a place to sleep."

•   Vacuum the dog hair, sweep the dog hair, wipe up the dog hair. Same as at home but more noticeable on the light colored flooring.     

•   I’m about ready to abandon recycling. It's just "one more thing" to figure out where it fits.

•   "Let me stand in the head (bathroom, for you land lubbers) so you can get by to get your clothes to take a shower." "Don't stand in the galley (i.e., kitchen) to eat your banana and peanut butter. I need to start dinner."

•   Take the cutting board with the bananas, and whatever else is currently being stored on it, off the stove to make macaroni and cheese. Then move the cutting board, with related items, off the refrigerator to get out the milk and butter. Move cutting board from sink to fill pan with water. Get the mac ‘n cheese box out of its storage space after moving the cutting board again. Getting the picture of our space issue?

When we used to vacation

•   In the past, we've vacationed on the boat. That entails sleeping in, not doing much during the day, sailing from port to port and relaxing on the boat in the evening. Not so much when you live on it. Our "life" schedules haven't changed since living on the boat. We work every day. The boys are still busy with sports and now they have jobs. The dog still thinks it's time to get up as soon as the sun rises (and she can't get out of the boat on her own). And we have a house two hours away that we continue to maintain.

•   Speaking of maintaining...our home away from home needs just as much maintenance as the house. When we first moved on it this year, the gas to the stove wasn't working, the sink was torn apart because it was leaking and we didn't have water anyway because there hadn't been time to fill the tanks. After a couple of weeks these problems were fixed and we can make meals on the stove and run water for cooking, drinking and doing the dishes, but there is still woodwork that needs to be sanded and stained, stanchions that need rebedding and a dodger to be sewn.

•   Grocery shopping takes on a whole new meaning. I've never been one to like any type of shopping, but now that I have to do it more often in smaller quantities, due to our space issue, I'm beginning to like it even less. Add the fact that the local grocery store is expensive and driving into town through Up North summer tourist traffic is maddening and it becomes a logistical nightmare for me. Did I remember the cooler? Should I bring grocery bags or get plastic to use for garbage bags? How much can I buy to fit in the refrigerator/freezer? Where have all these people come from?!

•   No wi-fi! It's amazing how we've become accustomed to instant Internet access whenever we wanted it. I teach online and send a lot of emails and documents with my consulting job. The boys stream when using wi-fi but not their data so they use their phones less on the boat. Walking to the office or a coffee shop to hit a hot spot is inconvenient, but at least we have access to it.

•   I thought laundry at home was a chore. Now I'm either driving two hours to the house or schlepping four or more bags to the laundromat. One is more time consuming while the other is more expensive.

Even with all the inconveniences that come with living on a boat, I'm thankful we are experiencing this adventure together. At minimum, it's giving me stories to share with my grandchildren about their parents. Am I ready to move into a house? Sure, but until that time comes, I'm trying to make the best of this opportunity. A lifetime is made up of a multitude of experiences involving many relationships. I hope our boys are learning that the relationships they create with others will involve different experiences, each with their own set of joys and struggles. 

My Relationship Gardens

I've been looking at my flower beds. And I use flower very loosely, as they are made up mostly of hostas and day lillies. (Obviously, I do not have green thumbs.) If you've ever owned either of these plants, you know that the positive sides of them are they come back every year and they have a pretty flower, which is around only briefly. The downside of these plants is that they spread. Eventually they overtake an entire area, even outside the designated section, and need to be thinned out which is sometimes hard to do. As I dreaded having to thin them out this year, I reminded myself it's my own fault for planting them in the first place.

One of my pitiful flower beds

Gardening reminds me of my relationships. They are hard work, I reap what I sow and external factors impact my good intentions. Just as in gardening, relationships take time...time to prepare the soil (knowing myself and what I bring to a relationship), time to plant seeds (spending time with others and getting to know them), time to weed (getting rid of unnecessary baggage and things that clutter the relationship) and time to enjoy the harvest (taking pleasure in the companionship of others). Time is a big factor in what makes them grow.

What I put into my relationships I get back. I see it with my husband, my kids and my friends. If I don't see it in the short-term, I know I'll see the consequences in the long-term. The song Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin is a reminder of this. I'll admit there are times when my words or actions do not reflect what I want to get back in a relationship. Many times I have been impatient with the boys, sometimes for no reason. I've had to learn to control my tongue. I also know that when I'm actually "there," in a mental and emotional sense not just physical, that my relationships are much richer and deeper. Giving my undivided attention in conversations and being available when others want me are what I want to sow because it is also what I want to reap.

My most important relationship gardens

What I sow, others also reap. This is one lesson I want to be sure my boys learn. While the garden of marriage may end in divorce, it's the children and extended family members who reap what the couple sowed. Work relationships gone awry can also have an unintended consequence on families. Someone who abuses their work/client relationships by embezzling funds belonging to others impact the families, not just the individuals, affected by the action. If the embezzler goes to prison, their own family has to reap what they sowed.

There are times when gardening is difficult. The sun doesn't shine enough, rain is scarce, the bugs or animals eat what I am trying to grow or schedules make it difficult to be attentive to the plants. How similar this is to my relationships! Other people influence those I care about, society's messages tell me to put myself first instead of others, there's never enough time to invest in all my relationships and hurts happen. The desire to see my garden or relationship flourish helps me to get through those difficult times.

Just as I admire beautiful gardens, I hope people will admire my relationships. I hope they see me trying to sow seeds of love, patience, kindness and unselfishness, and see me spending the time to help them grow. I'd be blessed if my relationship gardens can be a guiding example for others.

Summer Relationship with the Kids

As summer approaches, I get that excited feeling of a new schedule and a little more freedom. For ten years, I was able to spend extra time in the summer with our boys. We would spend hours at the beach, riding bikes, and going to playgrounds/parks. We spent more time sleeping in (at least they did), being outside, and just being together.

Over the years my time spent with the boys during the summers has been enjoyable and fulfilling, finding a good mix of what they wanted to do and what I wanted to do. For many years, the main activity the boys wanted to do was go to a skate park. While we’ve been to quite a few different

Skatepark in Years Past

skate parks, they have their favorite where I have spent countless hours planning for the next school year, reading a book I told myself I would get to during the summer, or visiting with friends and family that I could cajole into coming along. (I do have a good friend whose son wanted to spend as much time at the skate park as my kids.) The memories I have of watching them grow and improve in their skateboarding/biking/rollerblading skills, seeing their interpersonal skills increase, and discussing various topics to and from the skate parks has been worth every minute, even the ones where I complained about going or being there.
My favorite thing to do in the summer, or any time, is to travel. It doesn’t really matter where we go; it’s just the enjoyment of spending time together, getting out of the regular routine, and creating memories that make travelling appealing to me. Whether alone or with friends, I have subjected the boys to numerous trips to Grandma and Grandpa’s, camping, waterfall viewing, historical sites, a mine tour, and our yearly visit to Castle Rock. They have spent countless hours in the car, listening to my music, reading their books, playing video games, and watching movies. Even when plans didn’t go as expected, like when we experienced mosquitos so thick we had to stay in the tent, I loved being with the kids.

One of my fondest memories of spending time with the boys was the summer reading program we did each year. For many years there was a theme, such as a bookshelf, a refrigerator, and a tree. After the boys read a book, they would add it to the bookshelf, choose an item to go in the refrigerator with the book name on it, or add the book name to an apple for the tree. We set reading goals, starting with something simple and inexpensive, like read 25 books (when the books took them a short time to read) for ice cream, up to 100 books to go to Michigan’s Adventure. As they got older and read chapter books, we used a certain number of chapters instead of books. A few years ago we read the Hunger Games trilogy as a family, sharing the same book. That was interesting!

Now that the boys have gotten older, they don’t want/need to spend as much time with me, so I have to look for other ways to continue to build our summer relationship. They are old enough to have lawn mowing jobs, but not old enough to drive there themselves. By taking them to their lawn mowing jobs, I still get the opportunity to talk with them about various topics. I am helping them track their time, invoice it, and manage the money they make, all skills that will benefit them in their future. Whether I am driving them to a friend’s house, providing food to their friends here, or supporting them at an athletic event or other extra-curricular, I am showing them how important they are to me.

In a child’s life, summer is a very precious time. In a parent’s life, the summers (and years) go by all too fast. I want to take advantage of every minute I can to develop my relationships with the boys, before they are on their own. I know that our relationship will change then, and I want to have a strong foundation for what is to come. After my relationships with God and my husband, my boys are the most important relationships I want to keep until I no longer breathe. In order to do that, I have to continually work at them, finding ways to connect, keeping communication open, and being there when they need me. The best part about it is that I don't mind working at it...especially in the summer.

The Start of a Relationship

I first started to think about blogging when our two boys were young. The idea would float around in my mind as I spent time playing with the kids in the yard, watching them learn new things, and yes, even disciplining them. I wanted to write a parenting blog to share my experiences and help others navigate the journey of raising kids. As the years passed though, I started moving away from the ‘raising kids’ idea and started thinking about life’s relationships.

While my children are one of the most important parts of my life, so are my husband, my parents, and my close relatives. They all help to make up who I am and are part of this adventure of life. Maybe I’m showing my age, but I started reflecting on the friends I’ve encountered over the years, those that are lifelong friends as well as those who impacted my life for a very short time. A younger me moved almost every year or two. (My mother once made the comment that she had to put my address in pencil in her address book.) With every move came new friends, new experiences and new relationships. As I recently changed jobs (my mini mid-life crisis), I started to reflect on my past jobs and the relationships I developed with my co-workers and bosses. Each of these relationships, and many others, affected my life and helped me to grow as a person. I believe that no matter how much life changes in music, fashion, technology, and careers, our relationships in general have not changed. We share similar relationships (spouses, kids, friends, co-workers, etc.). We enjoy them, struggle through them, and learn from them. While the situations my grandparents may have encountered were different than mine, they still had to relate to one another, their children, and their friends, very much the same as I do today. The more I contemplated relationships, the more I knew I wanted to write about them.

Two individuals played a part in encouraging me to start this blog, even if they don’t realize it. Rather than harping on our 13 year old son to quit filling his head with “useless sports statistics,” I started encouraging him to start a sports blog (http://www.astheclockrunsdown.blogspot.com). He’s a great writer, loves watching ESPN and reading Sports Illustrated, and can remember information like a computer. By encouraging him to start a blog, I realized we could experience this journey together, something I love doing with my kids. The other person who influenced me to start a blog was one of my oldest (not in age), dearest friends from elementary school who has started her own blog (http://hatofmanycolors.wordpress.com/2013/01/). In her first blog post, she mentions reading a tweet that writers should first write for themselves, then for others. I realized all along I had been trying to decide what to write to help others and not for me. While I am not a psychologist, nor claim to be an expert on relationships, I like to talk about them. I also thought it would be a legacy to leave for my children to refer to as they struggle with relational issues throughout their lives. Thus Relationally Yours began.