Saying Goodbye to a Relationship

I recently said goodbye to a 13-year relationship, and it was more difficult than I thought it would be. In the beginning, I really didn’t want to get into the relationship. I was happy with the ones I already had. How could I manage another? But there were special people in my life who wanted to add this relationship to our lives, so I acquiesced. And I’m glad I did because she brought much joy to my life.

Zoey, our chocolate lab, quickly became my walking partner. I wonder how many miles we walked over those 13 years. We walked with friends, and we walked alone. She would remember where there had been “bad” dogs in their yards, and she’d pull on the leash to get as far away from them as she could even when they weren’t outside. On some walks we’d stop at the lake. I’d find something to throw in the water for her to retrieve. It was funny how many more times she would retrieve something in the water than she would on land. Zoey liked being off the leash but never went too far ahead without stopping to see if I was coming. I couldn’t get on the floor to stretch or sit without her thinking I was down there for her. She loved having her belly rubbed whether I was on the floor or not. Were there more of those than the miles we walked? She always knew when I was sad or upset and would come to comfort me. 

Like all relationships though, there were difficult times. We were fortunate that she didn’t chew shoes since she spent her younger years in the mud room with ALL our footwear. But she did chew a hole in the basement wall. On some of our walks, when Zoey was off the leash, she would get behind because she stopped to sniff everything. Weren’t we supposed to be exercising? Once she ate a hand warmer and Fred had to induce vomiting. When we lived on the sailboat for three months, she got so depressed she developed a hot spot on top of her head. Then there was a trailer incident where her jaw got broken as were our hearts. 

As Zoey aged, our walks became slower and shorter. She would still go in the water, but not for long. Naps became more frequent and longer. Her eyesight failed, she couldn’t hear, and doggie dementia set in. It seemed to come on slowly yet went by way too fast. I always wondered how we would know when it was time to say goodbye, but she let us know.

Zoey touched not only my life, but so many others. The family who cared for her as their own every time we went on vacation. My walking friends. The many neighbors who let her out and fed her when we would be late to get home. Her furry friends’ parents. The coworkers who stayed with her when we needed them. The vet staff and groomers who loved on her at every visit. It seemed she captured the hearts of everyone she encountered. 

While I had no desire to have a pet in my life, my love for Zoey grew to a point that saying goodbye was difficult. I still expect her to be waiting outside our bedroom door in the morning for her breakfast. I miss being greeted by her when I come in the door. And I ache to walk with her again when I see other dogs and their owners enjoying a walk together. All relationships have good and bad days, ups and downs. As I reflect on the memories I have of Zoey, I’d have to say there were many more on the plus side which made it harder to say goodbye. 

I appreciate our family and friends who have reached out to comfort us and share in our grief. From cards, gifts, and flowers to Facebook and text messages, these acts of kindness let us know we are not alone in our sorrow. Many have walked with path before, and I appreciate those relationships as well.

25-Year Love Letter

This summer, Fred and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We visited the beach where we got married, stayed at The Homestead where we stayed on our wedding night, and spent some time reminiscing about our time together. Our literal and figurative stroll down memory lane highlighted how much has changed in 25 years.

I started reflecting on our quarter century together when I came to the realization that our oldest son was turning the same age as Fred was when we met. For some reason my beau-to-be seemed older than what I want to believe my son is now. Then I realized…he could meet his future wife any time! This, of course, led to a list of things I want our boys to remember when "seeking" and marrying a spouse. 

• Put your relationship with God first. Human relationships are not forever. Humans are faulty. Spouses leave. Death occurs. God will be there through all your trials and successes. Spend time working on this relationship.
• Know yourself before choosing a partner...what you like/dislike, what is important to you in relationships, where you envision your future, how important your parents are to you 😉, etc. Don't define yourself by the person you choose (see first bullet).
• Choose a partner wisely. While it may be hard to see beyond the initial infatuation
  
  and passion, look for a friend who is going to stick it out for the long haul. Someone who will stretch your comfort zone, who shares your values, and encourages you to grow. Look for traits like patience, forgiveness, and unselfishness. You’ll notice these the more time you spend with someone.
• Make your relationship with your spouse a priority, every day and especially during the tough times. You may disagree about family, friendships, and finances (maybe even politics). You'll navigate emotions, physical ailments, and spiritually battles. It's during those tough times that you need someone who makes your relationship a priority (see third bullet). Also, remember trials are temporary even if it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through them.
• Communicate regularly. This may be one of the most difficult parts of your relationship, but it's one of the most important. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking or assume you know what she is thinking. Talk about your day, your plans, your future. Celebrate your victories. Share your struggles. And listen to hers.
• Seek wise and mature counsel. I often wonder how my parents and grandparents stayed married so long. Our 25 years isn't even half my grandparents' marital success, yet I am learning what it takes. Don't be afraid to reach out to experienced couples. You're not the first to go through whatever you're going through.

I read a devotion this summer that said marriage is “about sacrifice. It is about caring for the needs of someone else above your own. It is about believing in the impossible when your hope is all but gone. It’s about asking God to give you wisdom and then having the courage to change when he reveals the problem is you.” I’d like to say that in 25 years the problem was never me, but that would be a lie. In fact, I’m thankful for the positive changes I’ve seen in me. Let’s hope Fred does too because I’d like to make it another 25 years.

Loyalty

Our dog, Zoey, has a routine every morning. Her routine has become my routine as I am the first one up in the morning. She eagerly wags her tail and looks at me from her room (the mudroom), waiting to get some attention. When I go in there, she lays on her back for me to pet her belly. I’ll give her a few half-hearted pets and let her out, reminding her at least twice to go “potty.” She comes back in and eats, then jumps excitedly around until she finally lies down again for some more belly time. After I’ve had enough of it (I’d like to think it was five minutes, but it’s more like one or two), I send her back outside again. In five minutes or so, she is waiting at the slider glass door for someone to notice her and let her back in.

When our 14 year old was five, he started asking for a dog. He drew pictures and told his kindergarten teacher all the fun things he was going to do with his dog, like jumping over our creek in the front yard and playing fetch. For five years he kept asking for a dog. I, of course, had every excuse in the book not to get a dog. We were too busy with sports. I didn’t want to clean up dog hair. Who was going to pick up the poop in the yard? It’s expensive to have a dog. I saw it as one more responsibility on me that I did not want to take on at that time…or ever.

 

One day I walked into the house and there was a note on the counter…To Mom. When I asked what it was, I was instructed by our son to just read it. It read, “Mom, you know I have wanted a dog as long as I knew what one was. If you let me get a dog, I promise to take care of it. I will help clean up the dog hair and poop. I will even help pay for food when I can.” There were some other guilt-rendering comments, and it ended with, “Please check yes or no.” I still did not want to get a dog, but my motherly heart was touched. He had been asking for so long and now asked so sweetly, how could I resist?

Zoey, a chocolate lab, entered our lives four years ago. She was the cutest puppy, the runt of the litter. Over the course of her first summer, we thought we were blessed. She would poop in the woods! That lasted until winter. Within her second year, we realized she had a very submissive temperament. She would, and still does, “army crawl” toward someone she does not know or another dog. Upon reaching the person or dog, she rolls over onto her back. She does not bark, whine, growl, or act aggressive. She does sing when the boys play their instruments, and begs to go to bed around 9:30. Interesting how dogs have a personality of their own.

 

Part of Zoey’s personality is her loyalty. She always wants to be with me. When I shower, she waits outside the door for me. When I walk with her, she looks up at me like she’s having a great time. When I am stretching after exercising, she’s right there. She even moves to the other side of my body when I stretch on that side. Her wagging tail and the way she looks at me in the morning, or when I get home, lets me know that she likes me. No matter how much she gets ignored, she keeps coming back like nothing has changed.

Before I paint an unrealistic picture, life with Zoey isn’t all Pollyanna-like. I still sweep and vacuum up dog hair. We still have to buy dog food, treats, toys, and bedding. When we want to go away, we have to find someone to watch her. (Although she has adopted another wonderful family with six kids who give her LOTS of attention!) I feel guilty when she hasn’t been walked in days. She often gets underfoot when I try to get something done. If she gets sick, we have to clean it up. Even with all this, life with her has been good.

We have relationships with our pets. Maybe not the same as the complicated relationships we have with our human counterparts, but a relationship nonetheless. We care for them, spend time with them, and enjoy their company. In return we get love and loyalty. These are my insights and observations of our relationships with our pets…from the one who didn’t want a dog.