You want me to do what?

/rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/: The way in which two or more people regard and behave toward one another. (lexico.com) The reason I am passionate about relationships is that they are part of everything we do. Every time we interact with someone, whether physically or online, we are in a relationship. No, not the Facebook or cultural “in a relationship,” but “the way two or more people behave toward one another” relationship.

Not all relationships are lengthy or deeply personal like we have with our families, marriages, and close friends. But they all require love. I once saw a photo of a church sign that said, “Just love them all. I’ll sort them out later.” Love. Them. All. ‘All’ includes your difficult family members, an unreasonable neighbor, your impatient boss, the crazy homeless person you see on your way to work, and everyone else we come in contact with.

I want to love ALL like God loves me. That means those with opposite lifestyles, multiple personalities, and different opinions. It’s easy to love people who are like me, agree with me, and love me back. But how do I love imperfect people (myself included)? I believe it’s a combination of I Corinthians 13 and Matthew West’s song Do Something. I Corinthians 13 tells me how and the song tells me to take action.

Here is how I’ve applied, and continue to apply, I Corinthians 13: 4-7 to my relationships:

Be patient: Patience is not something that comes easy to me, but I’ve had many situations to practice patience. God taught me patience through an independent toddler, an inclination to say “yes” too often, and more ways than I'd like to admit to. I still hear His voice when I’m frustrated with long lines, traffic, and people. 😊

Be kind: Like the Good Samaritan story (Luke 10:25-37), I am called to be kind in my relationships. I try to open doors, smile more, and make conversation (or just say ‘hi’). Being kind includes helping my spouse or friend and listening instead of talking.

Do not be envious: Love is not envious of others' possessions, careers, kids, brains, talents, etc. As I get older, I’ve learned to be content with what God has given me. When I focus on what I do not have, I am unhappy. And my unhappiness does not lead to loving others.

Do not boast or be proud: It is okay to be proud of the person God made me and how He uses me, but when my focus is on being better than others, then I am not showing love. 

Do not dishonor others: God has shown me that my mouth is capable of dishonoring others. The words I use or the way I say those words have humiliated, demeaned, or hurt other people. I am not perfect, but I’m learning to hold my tongue more. 

Do not be self-seeking: Rather than insisting on doing what I want to do, I show love by going out to dinner where my kids would prefer to go, by giving of my time to volunteer at the homeless shelter, and by taking care of the day-to-day duties of running our home without complaining.

Do not be easily angered: When I have over-committed and get stressed out, I find myself getting angry more quickly and often say things I don’t mean. I have to make a concerted effort to remember to love the driver in front of me, the grocery store clerk, or just about anyone who is slowing me down to get things accomplished.

Keep no record of wrongs: This is forgiving and letting it go. I distinctly remember asking God how many times I needed to forgive “this person” for the same ‘wrong.’ It may be hard to believe, but I heard Him say “seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22) What’s amazing is that when I continue to forgive, even for the same issue, I never get to seventy times seven (yes, I’ve tried counting). 🙄

Do not rejoice in wrongdoing: When I hurt someone, make a mistake, or do something wrong, I fess up to it (most of the time). My relationships are only healthy when I am truthful. Also, not celebrating or gloating (even internally) when someone else messes up falls in this category.

Always protect: I’m a mom. Watching out for people like they are my kids isn’t too difficult. But standing up for others when their shortcomings are revealed is harder. In these situations, I try to see life from their perspective and protect them by not adding more negativity to the fire.

Always trust: When someone hurts me, it is easy to not want to trust them again. But love calls me to always trust, not to be suspicious. I’ll admit this isn’t always easy, yet I believe it is the right thing to do. For my relationships that are not close and personal, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been in places in my life where I have not been at my best and I hope others have done the same for me.

Always hope: Hope is a confident belief in something unseen. Expressing my confidence in my husband’s and children’s abilities and potential, is part of loving them. Believing that people will change, that circumstances will get better, and that there is something better beyond this world are what keep me always hoping.

Always persevere: Over my lifetime, I’ve encountered difficult times in various relationships. I can honestly say that persevering through those times has been worth it in the long run. This devotion by Sharon Jaynes reiterates that fact (at least in marriages) when it states, “86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier.”

I do not love perfectly in any of my relationships. I often find myself asking God, “Why?” Why do I have to…? Why don’t they…? Why me? And “You want me to do what?” His answer is always “Because I love you. Don’t you want others to feel that love too?” And I do. 

25-Year Love Letter

This summer, Fred and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We visited the beach where we got married, stayed at The Homestead where we stayed on our wedding night, and spent some time reminiscing about our time together. Our literal and figurative stroll down memory lane highlighted how much has changed in 25 years.

I started reflecting on our quarter century together when I came to the realization that our oldest son was turning the same age as Fred was when we met. For some reason my beau-to-be seemed older than what I want to believe my son is now. Then I realized…he could meet his future wife any time! This, of course, led to a list of things I want our boys to remember when "seeking" and marrying a spouse. 

• Put your relationship with God first. Human relationships are not forever. Humans are faulty. Spouses leave. Death occurs. God will be there through all your trials and successes. Spend time working on this relationship.
• Know yourself before choosing a partner...what you like/dislike, what is important to you in relationships, where you envision your future, how important your parents are to you 😉, etc. Don't define yourself by the person you choose (see first bullet).
• Choose a partner wisely. While it may be hard to see beyond the initial infatuation
  
  and passion, look for a friend who is going to stick it out for the long haul. Someone who will stretch your comfort zone, who shares your values, and encourages you to grow. Look for traits like patience, forgiveness, and unselfishness. You’ll notice these the more time you spend with someone.
• Make your relationship with your spouse a priority, every day and especially during the tough times. You may disagree about family, friendships, and finances (maybe even politics). You'll navigate emotions, physical ailments, and spiritually battles. It's during those tough times that you need someone who makes your relationship a priority (see third bullet). Also, remember trials are temporary even if it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through them.
• Communicate regularly. This may be one of the most difficult parts of your relationship, but it's one of the most important. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking or assume you know what she is thinking. Talk about your day, your plans, your future. Celebrate your victories. Share your struggles. And listen to hers.
• Seek wise and mature counsel. I often wonder how my parents and grandparents stayed married so long. Our 25 years isn't even half my grandparents' marital success, yet I am learning what it takes. Don't be afraid to reach out to experienced couples. You're not the first to go through whatever you're going through.

I read a devotion this summer that said marriage is “about sacrifice. It is about caring for the needs of someone else above your own. It is about believing in the impossible when your hope is all but gone. It’s about asking God to give you wisdom and then having the courage to change when he reveals the problem is you.” I’d like to say that in 25 years the problem was never me, but that would be a lie. In fact, I’m thankful for the positive changes I’ve seen in me. Let’s hope Fred does too because I’d like to make it another 25 years.

❤ = love, sort of

Long before the heart emoji existed, many people, including me, drew hearts to express their love. I put hearts at the end of letters and in cards. I included hearts on notes to my parents and friends. I wrote hearts in my school notebooks next to names of boys I liked. While those hearts represented my love at the time, I knew very little of what love was.

Rarely do I hear the words ‘What is love?’ and not hear the song by Haddaway in my head or think about the Night at the Roxbury skit. Type in ‘love’ in Google and you will get 13.16 billion results. Songs, books, movies, news stories, psychological articles, nonprofits, sites that sell love/love-related items, and more. It’s quite a popular topic. Look at the definition of love and you’ll find it is a noun (e.g., a feeling, a person, or a score in tennis), yet it is shown through our actions (i.e., a verb).  

Love, of course, is more than a feeling. People fall in and out of the ‘love feeling’ all the time. When we love others, it doesn’t mean we’ll never get hurt or that we’ll never hurt others. We love our children, but they probably think we hurt them when they are disciplined. I’m guilty of hurting my husband, children, and friends by saying mean things to them. Having “tough love” by not fixing the mistakes our loved ones make is not easy to do either. It really is hard to love at times.

I want to love better. #37 on My 50 List is ‘Study love as described in the Bible.’ Throughout 2018, my studying consisted of morning devotions about love (some but not all). I also read the book Love Like That: 5 Relationship Secrets From Jesus by Les Parrott III. And I’ve read 1 Corinthians 13 in different translations. Yes, I could have studied more, and even though 2018 is over, I plan to continue to learn more about love.

According to The Message, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says [bolding is mine]

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This message seems counter to what we learn in our world today… it’s okay to be impatient with the waitress or the car in front of you or the cashier at the grocery store; every commercial encourages you to be better than others; keep up with the Jones’ of social media; be angry with others whose opinions differ from yours.

Since I was a youth, I heard and read the above Corinthians verses. Reading the words isn’t the same as living them and it wasn’t until about six years ago that I started to really internalize them. I asked God for years to give me patience. Then I read somewhere that God doesn’t GIVE us patience, He helps us through situations so we LEARN patience. I realized that I “coveted” more than I thought (e.g., better hair, more money, less weight, etc.). When I’m tired or stressed, I lash out at others. And I would love to erase the mental list of wrongs done to me. When I truly study the love list, I have much room for improvement.

As a physical reminder about wanting to love better, I chose to get a tattoo (#10 on My 50 List). The tattoo I chose is an infinity symbol with a cross and a heart, located on my wrist so I see it every day. It’s a reminder to me that I want to love continually but I need help in doing so and I get that help through my faith. I’d like to love unconditionally. I’d like to always follow the love instructions in 1 Corinthians 13. Yet I know that I will sometimes (maybe often) fail. And that’s okay as long as I keep seeking help from God to learn a little more about loving others. Even though I know I won’t be able to love perfectly, it’s something I will strive toward beyond My 50 List (and beyond the ❤ emoji).

Learning through Life’s Struggles

There he was. On his stomach. Grunting and groaning, whining and fussing. His head bobbed up and down. His arms and legs whipped all around. He stretched and strained, but he could not move across the floor.

We bought a camcorder the summer our first child was born. Over nine years, we accumulated 30 hours of our life on tape. Not wanting to lose those memories, I recently converted the 15 8mm tapes to digital. Of course I had to start watching the recordings to make sure they were actually converted. 😉 Oh the hours of our adorable baby on those first few tapes! (Three for just his first five months!)

In that first year of our oldest son’s life, I watched as he strained to control his arms and hands, learned to swallow cereal, struggled to roll over, and figured out how to comfort himself. It took him more than one or two minutes, and more than one or two times, before he mastered each of these skills. To be honest, there were parts of the video where I was telling my younger self to put down the camera and pick him up! But it was in those struggles where his learning occurred.

Isn’t that life? We struggle with problems, obstacles, and pain in our lives. We complain when life gets difficult, forgetting that there is a lesson in each of those situations. The older I get, the more I understand how the struggles in my life have helped me to grow. I’m not saying I liked the struggles, but I am pretty proud to have successfully come out on the other side a wiser, patient, and more empathetic person.

Many of the lessons in my life have taken more than one or two minutes, and more than one or two struggles, to learn. Holding my tongue, being patient with others, and understanding that I’m not in control have taken many years to acquire (at times I still have to work on them). Through these life lessons, I’ve also grown in my relationship with God. My faith has become stronger as I’ve learned to trust Him when life is hard. Learning to trust God was a lesson in itself.

Our sons no longer have the struggles they did as infants, but they will continue to have struggles. Adult problems. Financial. Physical. Mental. Relational. Career. I hope they reach out to us when they are hurting. I want them to look for the lesson in each hardship. And I pray that they seek God to walk with them through difficult times.

What You Mean to Me

I didn’t intend for this to be posted around Thanksgiving, but it sure fits with the season.

As we interact with others, we may never know what our relationships mean to them. It seems like we often wait too long to tell others what they mean to us…usually after terrible accidents, disease diagnoses, or at funerals. If we would like others to share what we mean to them, we should tell them how much they mean to us. I wish I did a better job of this with those around me. I have a couple of friends who are very good about sharing, with me, the importance of our relationship. It sure feels good to hear it.

While I may not share it enough, I treasure all my relationships, even the difficult ones (maybe not during the trying time, but in hindsight). I believe people have been put in our lives for a purpose, some for the long haul, and others for just a brief time. We get to enjoy/not enjoy new experiences in life with them, learn lessons from them (both good and bad), and walk this journey without doing it alone. If you are reading this and you know me, please be assured that whatever our relationship, past or current, has had an impact on my life, and I am grateful for it.

Below is our youngest son’s hero essay, written about his dad. This is a great example of the importance of relationships. While my husband may think that our son likes me “better” because he is more affectionate toward me or because we are like two peas in a pod (which is not always good), this essay shows what my husband really means to our son. 

He's Always There For Me    
    My hero taught me to love three things: God, family, and hockey. These may not be important to you, but these are the three most important things in my life. Nobody could ever take away these things, or what I have learned from them. My hero helped me learn about all of these things. My hero is my father.
    I've learned many things from my father. One thing that I look forward to every year is deer camp. I have been going to deer camp with my father ever since I was in fourth grade. I spend lots of time with my dad when we are hunting, and I have a lot of fun on these weekends together. Another thing I enjoy doing with my father is fishing. Many times we will just go out and go fishing. He has taught me a lot about how to fish, and now I often tease him about being better than him. This quality time that we spend together is something that I enjoy.
    My dad takes us to church, like many parents, so I would grow up learning about God. He has told me many stories about how God has helped him in his life, and helped me to better understand many of the things I learn in church. This is what I am most grateful for, him passing on to me the knowledge of God.
    My father has also made it important for us to spend time together as a family. We go on vacation together, often driving for countless hours at a time. We go on boat trips together, sailing for a week together on a boat. Of course there have been rough times in these experiences together, but he has taught me how to work through these struggles together. He has also taught me that family and God are the two things you must always love, no matter how mad they make you, they will always love you.
    The third most important thing in my life is sports, but mostly hockey. My dad has played hockey his whole life. Growing up, he was my role model and I wanted to be just like him, so of course that meant I would grow up to become a hockey player. At first it was frustrating, falling again and again, but my dad was always there to pick me up, offer some tips, and then let me go to try again. I have now played hockey for most of my life, and it has changed me. No matter where I am, if there is a sheet of ice somewhere I want to be skating on it.
    My hero has helped me learn that no matter what I'm going through in life, God, family, and hockey will always be there for me. Even when we are busy in our lives, and don't spend much time together, his many stories and lessons will be with me forever. 

In response to this essay, I’m going to spend some time thinking of the heroes in my life and the ways I can let them know how much they mean to me. I might just tell them…maybe at lunch…or send an email or card…maybe create a video or picture collage…I could write an essay…or sing a song (ok, maybe just play a song)…you get the picture. It doesn’t matter how I do it, as long as my message get through, “Here’s what you mean to me.”

Importance of Relationships in Battles

Have you ever had a friend, family member, or yourself go through a trying time? Maybe it was a situation or circumstance that was difficult, and in turn, strained a relationship or relationships. If you haven’t, you should feel blessed because for the most part, we all have them at some point in our lives.

When I look back at times in my life where I have felt the weight of something that was happening at a particular time, I think, how did I ever get out of that (or over it)? At these times, I see a battlefield. A line drawn in the sand where two camps are set up on either side. On one side is Satan/Evil/The Dark Side with his minions. On the other is me, or whoever I see is struggling. Satan is constantly sending fiery darts, things like lies, insults, situations, temptations, etc. at me. While I begin standing tall, I do get hurt. Over time I start to focus on where it hurts and take my eyes off the battle. I continue to get attacked and soon am bent over, finally falling to my knees and then on the ground. Sometimes it’s like I can’t fight any longer.

This is where relationships come in. I see others on my side. There are family members and friends who are there to fight for and with me, supporting me, encouraging me, praying for me. And over time (everything takes time) my wounds heal and I can begin to stand again. Maybe weakly at first, but I become stronger with their support. There may be times that I get hit again and fall, but I can get back up. That’s why relationships are so important in our lives. We cannot fight life’s battles all on our own. We need people there to be in our corner, to fight on our behalf.

One of the ways in which I feel I have strength to stand, not that I am always strong, is from my upbringing. Ephesians 6:10-18 discusses putting on God’s complete armor. This is a song we sang when I was a kid.

Put on God’s complete armor, so that you can successfully resist…all of the Devil’s methods of attack. You must wear truth as your belt, righteousness as your breastplate. The gospel of peace, firmly on your feet, salvation as your helmet. And in your hand the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. Lift up over all, faith as your shield, lift up over all, faith as your shield, for it shall quench any flaming arrow the enemy fires at you.

Whether you are a Christian or not, many of these pieces of armor are good to have to fight the battles in your life.

Truth. Who doesn’t want truth in their lives? We want people to be truthful with us, we want to know the truth, and we want people to believe us. Often times when we are attacked, we question the truth. We believe lies, whether they are about us or others in our lives. In turn, it brings us down. It hurts us. By wearing truth as your belt, you are seeking the truth instead of believing everything that is hurled at you.

Peace. Don’t we all want peace at home, at work, and within ourselves? I find it interesting that in the song above, peace is on your feet. Wherever we walk, we should be bringing peace and finding peace. What is peace? According to Wikipedia, peace is an absence of hostility. Peace also means healthy interpersonal relationships. That sounds like something we could all use.

Faith. It’s interesting that faith is a shield. When singing this song, I see myself holding up my shield to stop a fiery dart that may be coming at me. But when I am weak, I cannot hold up that shield any longer. I may even be crouched on the ground, hiding under it, but I still have faith. Faith that things will get better. Faith that I can win this battle.  We can all use a little faith.

Along with truth, peace, and faith, we also need people on the battlefield with us. Often times we fight amongst ourselves on this side of the battlefield. If we view life as a battlefield and focus on supporting one another to fight off whatever it is that attacks us, we can be stronger. If you look at the bigger picture, we are not enemies. The enemy is the lies, deception, etc. that infiltrate our lives. By fighting together and supporting one another, we can help each other to overcome those difficult situations and circumstances we all encounter.