Good Grief

“Good grief.” While not the first words that came to mind when our 18 year old sent me a text that he was thinking of going to Florida with his girlfriend and her family for Christmas, they do convey my frustration. “What?! You want to do this the first Christmas you’ve been away at college? I expect there will be Christmases without us all together, but so soon? You’re only 18!”

I am such a hypocrite. I say I’m ready for our kids to be adults, that we’ve done a good job raising them, and that I’m looking forward to spending time with my husband without the daily stress of raising kids. But now that one of our charges is actually an adult, I’m questioning if I’m really ready for the changes that lie ahead. This Christmas I realized I’ve been grieving, for years, the fact that the boys are growing up. I just haven’t accepted it.

Our family photo this Christmas

It’s normal to grieve the changes in life as our children grow up. My conflicting feelings of “I’ve done a good job and they are ready” and “You’re not old enough to be moving on to the next stage in life” are caused because my familiar patterns of life are changing. As I reflected over the lifetime of Christmases we’ve had with the boys, I realize that the familiar patterns really lasted only a brief period of time and new patterns took their place.

• When the boys were young, Christmas was fun and exciting, not just for them but for me. They seemed to enjoy getting and decorating the Christmas tree, they would come to wake us up earlier than we were ready to get up, and we had all sorts of options of gifts for them. This lasted just four or five years.
• In the pre-teen years I began to notice less excitement in hunting for the tree and even less desire to decorate it. While the extra hour or so of sleep was a relief, it came with the price of less anticipation of Christmas morning. Their Christmas gift idea list became smaller so they had a better idea of what they would receive. This phase of Christmases was also short.
• The teen years came with sleeping in until 10:00 or 11:00 on Christmas Day, presents we picked out together because they only wanted one expensive gift, and celebrating early so they can be with someone else on Christmas Eve and Day. We’ve been in this pattern of Christmases (minus the last part) for four years.  

Reflecting on Christmases past has helped me to accept the fact that our oldest child has decided to spend the holidays with someone other than us. This is the next phase of our life. It may be years before a new familiar pattern of life exists for us. Soon there will be two in college followed by daughters-in-law and grandchildren, and with them comes more change.

This recent grief I’ve experienced is not the same as when I lost my mom, but it is a process all the same. Grief is good. It’s a normal, natural reaction to any kind of loss. I am ready to accept this new phase of life with renewed insight. I’m not going to pretend that it’s going to be easy for me. I’m sure there will be times I struggle with the changes, but I hope it gets easier as time goes on. And I know I can always find comfort in family and friends who have already been through it.

Learning to be a Mom of an Adult Child

It’s been a month. Thirty-six days to be exact but I’m not really counting. Last month we dropped off our oldest child, Kyle, at Michigan Tech University, a 7-8 hour drive from home. I expected it to be a weepy goodbye as both my husband and I are quite emotional. To my surprise it wasn’t (mostly because our son couldn’t get us out the door soon enough), and that began a new phase of my life...mothering an adult child.

Dropping Kyle off at college 

I’m sure other mothers can relate. For eighteen years, I’ve spent the majority of my life attentive to his needs, his wants, his health, his schoolwork, his behavior, his friends and girlfriends, his activities, etc. Now that he’s gone, it seems I think about him much more than when he lived at home. That’s probably not true, but when I saw him, even if it was just 5-10 minutes at night, I had confirmation that he was okay. Not hearing from him for days or seeing him for months is new territory for me. Learning comes with new things and here is a summary of what I’ve learned so far in this new journey.

What I miss

• I miss the daily contact and updates. Even if it was just a few minutes in the morning and/or evening, I was able to see him and talk with him about his life. I know there is technology that will allow this to continue to occur, but I’m giving him his space to be an adult.
• I miss watching him play sports, interact with his friends and adults, and obsess over whatever project he started.
• I miss his beautiful smile. And I should since we paid for it!
• I miss his curious, creative nature. Not necessarily the messes he made while being curious and creative though.
• I miss his friends coming over to hang out.
• I miss him taking care of the dog every morning! Just being honest.

What I love about parenting an adult child

At a college visit senior year

• I love the freedom I have to spend more time with my husband. While we still have one more child at home, it is one less person and schedule to work around.
• I love that grocery shopping is easier and less frequent. No longer do I need to get milk three times a week, make spaghetti and tacos at least once a week, or replenish snacks as often.
• I love that the house stays clean longer. I’m sure this is due to our younger son taking over the basement vacated by Kyle so the upstairs (the part I see the most) is easier to keep less cluttered.
• I love that there are less cars in the driveway. As all the men in my family can attest to, I am not the best backer upper. Trying to weave between cars in my driveway is a stressful endeavor for me so his leaving has alleviated some of this stress.
• I especially love when Kyle initiates a call or text conversation. It makes my day whenever I hear from him no matter why he is connecting with me or how long we converse.

What I struggle with

• How do I communicate with him without being intrusive? How often should I or can I contact him? What time during the day or night is okay to call? I’m sure I’m overthinking this, but I want him to know I care without bugging him all the time.
• How do I balance giving him advice without telling him what to do? Over the years we’ve taught him to make his own decisions, but we’ve always been there to help him through them. Now he doesn’t always consult us in his decisions.
• How do I ask questions without being interrogative? I’m interested in what he’s doing and I’m sure there are things I don’t want to know. How do I ask the right questions to hear about his life without making it seem like I’m trying to catch him doing something wrong?
• How do I accept the fact that we’ve done a good job raising him and he’s going to be an honest, hardworking, caring, and productive adult? In my heart I know he will be.

Love that smile!

I think back to when I was a young adult and how my mother treated me. She gave me my space, was there when I needed her, and prayed for me constantly. This is the path I am choosing to take on this new journey. I hope I will be as successful at mothering adult children as she was.

Redefining Mom Time

I empathize with Fred every time I think about the Dunkin Donuts “Time to Make the Donuts” commercial from the early 1980s. Every day Fred the Baker got up early and came home after dark to do his job, making donuts. He became more exhausted as the days went on and eventually ran into himself at the door as he was leaving/coming. I’m sure many people relate to this commercial from a work perspective, but I empathize with Fred from the mom perspective.

Photo credit: quotesgram.com/exhausted-mom-quotes/

Once upon a time I felt like Fred the Baker. Rise early to shower and get ready before waking the kids. Make breakfast and lunches. Be sure they had everything for the school day. Go to work. Pick kids up and make dinner. Drive to some sort of sports practice. Get the boys ready for bed. Grade papers or prepare lessons. On 'no practice' days, I had time to grocery shop, do laundry, clean the house, work on the budget, take care of the unending list of things a mother is responsible to do, or maybe plan a vacation. Then do it again the next day and the next day and the next day… My poor husband. During that time, he may have gotten meals and vacations, but very little one-on-one time with me.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVED spending time with the boys, and still do, but I rarely had much Mom Time. Sure, I could squeeze in a workout...if I got up earlier or ran instead of eating dinner with the family. I tried, unsuccessfully, to play cards every other week with my friends. When I decided to read a book, I’d stay up way too late, multiple nights in a row, because I couldn’t stop reading (apologies again to my husband). But that was my Mom Time...a little time to spend doing what I wanted to do.

As the boys got older, they started making their lunch, doing their laundry, and eventually driving themselves to practice. Now there are days when I see them for five minutes before I head to bed. I’m starting to miss them. In their teen-aged years, my definition of Mom Time has changed. It is no longer time for me, but time for us.  And I’ll take any chance I can get to spend some time with them.

Birthday Bonus

In the last couple of weeks I’ve been fortunate to have some newfound Mom Time. Our youngest invited me to see the movie Finding Dory. As a bonus, our oldest son and his girlfriend came along. Both boys unexpectedly had my birthday off from work so we spent the afternoon together as a family, and I didn’t even have to use a Forced Family Fun Day to make it happen. Our oldest spent the Fourth of July sailing with us, and I actually enjoyed driving one and a half hours to the orthodontist just so I could spend alone time with our youngest son.

My relationships with the boys have definitely changed over time and I’m sure as they enter college, get married, and start families those relationships will continue to evolve. I’m not sure that my Mom Time definition will change again, but I do know that my time with each of the boys will become less as they continue their journey through life. For now, I’m going to savor all the Mom Time I can get.

Hello

Ever since I first heard Adele’s Hello song, I thought of a ‘thousand’ things that could be written in a parody from “your mother’s side.” There are a couple of mother parody videos on the Internet, but I wanted one that my boys could relate to during their teenage years so I wrote my own. This may ruin the popular song for them, but I’m sure they think I ruin plenty of things for them at this time in their lives. Also, I don’t sing (at least not out loud), so the following are just the lyrics.

Hello, it’s me
I was remembering all of the years between you and me
When you were younger and needed me
They say you shouldn’t rush it and now I know just what they mean

 

Hello, can you hear me
I’m at home and dreaming ‘bout the kid you used to be
But now you’re older and don’t need me
You’re independent hanging with your friends instead of family

 

There is so much history between us
A million memories

 

Hello from your mother’s side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m tired of your messy room
Why can’t you pick your clothes up from the floor

 

Hello from the outside
Seems like I’m always your ride
To take you to practice and then bring you home
Did you do your homework or does it need to be done tonight

 

Hello where are you
You’ve been busy growing up and that’s tough for me and dad
I hope that you’re safe
Did you go to that party where nothing good would happen

 

It’s no secret that the both of us
Have made our own mistakes

 

So hello from your mother’s side
I must have cried a thousand times
As I told you I’m sorry for yelling at you
But when I ask you it never seems to get done

 

Hello from my mother’s side
Now I see how she tried
To get me ready for raising your right
I still look for her guidance even though she’s not here anymore

 

Hello from your mother’s side
I must’ve told you a thousand times
Forever I’ll love you whatever you do
Even when you grow up and move from our home

 

Hello from the outside
You will not believe my pride
When you get married and have kids of your own
But don’t hurry it clearly doesn’t have to be soon at all

(I can see all kinds of places where the boys will be giving me grief, but I’m posting this anyway.)

Writing this parody was fun. We were five hours into a nine hour car ride to my sister-in-law’s house for Christmas. Our youngest son and I were in the back seat listening and “rewinding” (Can you rewind digital?) Adele’s Hello song on his phone while we tried to come up with words that made sense and fit into the music. Every time I wrote ‘hello,’ I would spell it hellow. Every. Time. And every time I would laugh at myself. That’s something my mom would have done. As I laughed at myself, I could hear her laugh. This parody may not make the top 10 (or even top 10,000), but the joy it brought me in reminiscing about my mom and making a new memory with E tops my list.

Let Them Participate in Extra-Curriculars

 As I watched our son interact with his sailing friends at dinner last night, his sports “career” flashed through my mind.  All the hockey, football, baseball, cross country, sailing, and soccer practices and events we have been to over the years. So many early mornings. So many miles in the car. So much money spent on sports fees, equipment, shoes, camps, food, lodging, etc. Observing him at the table, his body language, facial expressions, and actions, I realized how important his involvement in sports was to him and to me.

Maybe I’m just getting nostalgic as it’s his senior year or maybe it’s the trip we’re currently on. I’m not sure why those images are flashing through my mind, but I sure am enjoying them. On this current trip, I feel I have reconnected with him, having real, normal conversations in the car like we used to. (As compared to the few conversations we have at home that revolve around schedules, homework, cleaning his room, and scholarship applications.) The difference now is that he’s doing some of the driving.

In our workout room, there are framed pictures of the boys in all their sports over the years. Every time I am in that room (wishing I spent more time in there), I look at those pictures and reminisce about the team they were on or a particular play they made or something about that time in their lives. Watching them grow and mature in their skills, and in life, through these sports has been an important part of my own growth. I believe these experiences help me practice patience, enhance my time management and budgeting skills, and become a better parent.

As I reflected on these memories, I remembered this blog post from our younger son when he was in seventh grade. I thought it quite insightful for a 12-year old, and one that made me realize how important sports were to him.

Why sports matter

Almost everyone has at least one activity that they love. For some women it may be shopping, for men it could be fixing cars, but for many athletes there is one sport that we just cannot live without. I was reminded of that the other day when I went back to hockey practice after taking a year off. You see us athletes, we do love the sports that we play. But, it’s more than the sport, it’s what the sport gives back.

Playing sports gives you a sense of accomplishment. Athletes love when the coach tells them “good job,” or when they make a big play to help the team out. If you ask me, I have yet to find a better feeling in life than making an open field tackle to stop the other team from getting a touchdown, or stopping someone on a breakaway to keep my team in the game. For many athletes, they look forward to the next goal they score, or the next big hit they layout as much as some people might look forward to their next paycheck. Achievements in sports are just somehow more fulfilling than many other accomplishments. Maybe it’s because it not only helps you, but also your team, or maybe it’s because YOU did it instead of anyone else from the entire other team or even the rest of your team.

I think possibly even more importantly than what you accomplish, is the friends that you make. When hanging out with people day in and day out at practices and games, you make special bonds. You help each other through much physical and emotional pain, especially when you travel with your team as much as much as you do in hockey. In hockey, you become more than just teammates, you become friends. When you play with them your whole life, you become more than friends even… you become family. You feel comfortable around them. You often can trust your teammates more than anyone else. I think it’s because you have to trust them in games, and you learn to trust in them in real life.

This is why I think sports are very important for kids to be involved in. It is a chance for kids to set their differences aside and work together and bond together. It will help them make new friends, and teach them many important life lessons.

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For my boys, when you get irritated that your kids’ sports schedules infringe on your free time or frustrated that there’s not enough money left for you to buy what you want, remember the experiences you had as a youth, the friends you made, and the lessons you learned. Even though dad and I have complained plenty about the time commitment and cost of sports, I hope this post lets you know that it was a worthwhile investment. Be part of your children’s lives by being involved in their extra-curriculars, whatever they may be.

Committing To Your Vows

I do. I will. I promise. I give you my word. You can count on me. We make promises and commitments to our spouses, children, parents, friends, and co-workers. Some of these are short-term (I'll be at your hockey game on Friday), while others are for a life-time (till death do us part).

No matter the time frame, my dad taught me to follow through with my commitments and do what I vowed. Yes, I said vowed. According to the dictionary, a vow is a promise, a pledge, an oath, or a guarantee. Whether I am committing to a project for a client, promising my friend that I will care for her dog when she is on vacation, or pledging to volunteer at a nonprofit event, someone is counting on me to follow through on my word.

A couple weeks ago, I attended my cousin's wedding. Most of us are familiar with the traditional wedding vows...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us part. Of course we love the person we are marrying, but at the time we make this vow, with a bundle of joyous emotions, most of us don't know how long it really will be until death completes that commitment. Throughout our marriage, each of these vows is tested.

I have had my share of 'worse' times in our marriage; speaking before thinking, impatience, assumption, saying hurtful things, too much focus on my job, saying too much, suspicion, talking in a negative or accusatory tone, short tempered. If you didn’t notice, my tongue is probably my “worst” culprit in our marriage. One of my favorite commercials was of a woman talking about celebrating a milestone anniversary. Her happy voice recalls all the things this person has endured in their marriage. While the listener assumes she's talking about her husband’s faults, she ends by saying how thankful she is that her husband still loved her after all these years. I’m thankful my husband continues to put up with the worse in me.

Throughout our marriage, there have been times when I have been the breadwinner and times when my husband has been the main source of our income. In “richer” times, we’ve both had full-time good paying jobs. But whether rich or poor, all marriages encounter financial stress. Any disagreements about money in our marriage have not been so much about the amount of money we had, but on our view of how it should be spent. I like to spend my money on travel and memory making while he leans towards purchases. We’ve learned to compromise.

My grandma was tested multiple times in the sickness department before my grandpa passed away. At one point in their marriage, my grandpa, a stubborn Italian, fell off the roof and broke his neck. During his recovery he would have her adjust the screws on his halo brace. Not sure I could do that. Twice she nursed him through cancer, feeding him through a tube, cleaning up after he’d get sick, and dealing with his physical and emotional stress that comes with having cancer. The commitment it took for this woman to care for this man in these situations is a perfect example of following through on her in sickness and in health vow.

My other grandparents were married 68 years, but were together for 70 years before death parted them. Seventy years! I think about all the hardships they endured during that time. A loss of an infant son, numerous health issues, financial problems, raising five kids. Before the funeral, the pastor asked my grandma what kept them together so long. She said they made a vow to each other. A vow that surpassed falling in and out of, and back in, love. A vow, that no matter the situation, they would stay together. A vow that they promised to keep until one of them left this earth.

So to my boys, follow through with your all your promises and commitments completely (especially the one about taking care of your mom forever). When you are ready to make your marriage vows to your soul mate or love of your life, know that it is for the long haul. There will be times of better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. You’re going to have struggles, but each offers the opportunity to make your marriage stronger until death does you part.

Making Moments with Forced Family Fun Days

As this summer quickly winds down and another school year approaches, I again realize how much I need to focus on being in (and just enjoying) the moment. Our oldest will begin his senior year of high school this fall. I know how cliche it is to say, "Where has the time gone?" But seriously, where has the time gone! I still have pictures in my mind of his big blue eyes, baby-toothed smile, and cute high-pitched voice asking me question after question as he explored all things new in his world.

 Now he is a man. He still has those big blue eyes and beautiful smile (thanks, Dr. Reed), but with a voice much deeper that shares with me how much he's learned in his life. He has grown into a tall, lean and muscular body much like his dad's. He holds down multiple jobs, maintains his car, does his laundry (when he runs out of underwear), prepares his own food (anything quick), and has continued a serious long-distance relationship. These are all things he will be doing as an adult on his own.

I've spent a lot of moments with the boys over their lifetime...at the park, beach, skatepark, movies, countless hours of car time, learning to have a 'mom-clean' bedroom, cooking... I see that time getting shorter and shorter as they get older and develop busier lives of their own with jobs, friends, and interests that don't involve me. So to be sure we all carve out time to make more moments, I

enacted Forced Family Fun weekends this summer. In June we spent a day biking and hiking at Sleeping Bear Dunes, a day sailing on Suttons Bay, and a day boating on Lake Leelanau. July brought a quick trip to the UP where we jumped off Black Rock Cove, shopped at Da Yoopers Tourist Trap (viewed differently now that they are older), and visited family and friends. This weekend we will be traveling to Kalamazoo to spend time with my in-laws as we celebrate my father-in-laws' retirement. I feel blessed to have these two to three days at a time where all four of us are making memories together, something I know is, and will continue to be, in limited supply.

This realization and reflection is bittersweet to me. I keep tearing up as I sit in the waiting area of the car dealership writing this (the other customers are wondering what is wrong with me) knowing that our complete family time is limited. But I also swell with pride knowing that the boys are going to do fine on their own when they leave the nest. I addition to that, I look forward to spending time with my husband, enjoying what we used to do before kids (adjusted for the 'physical' cost of living). As I remind him, preparing the boys for their futures is the task we were assigned to do. And until that future becomes the present, I'm going to live in as many moments I can "force" on them.