Sibling Rivalship

"Don't talk to me in the hall." Those were the instructions to my incoming freshman brother from the 11th grade me. How hurtful! What was I thinking? I'm sure I didn't want him to embarrass me or to take over any "popularity" I had garnered for myself. It was inconsiderate and selfish nonetheless. Of course when he started high school, all my fears were for naught. He was accepted, people liked him and they knew he was my brother. Why is it that the most important relationships in our lives are often the ones we take for granted?

DJ and I - circa 1973

DJ is two years younger than me. As kids, we were pretty close. When I was in second grade, he rode my shiny, green, banana-seat bike too fast down a hill and had a nasty crash. He was lying on the couch when I got home from school, all scratched up and stitches above his right eye. I remember my mom telling me how his leather jacket protected him from being in worse shape, and that I was more concerned if he was okay than about my bike. (Although I was pretty mad that he wrecked my new bike!) When we moved out of town to the house our dad grew up in, we spent a lot of time together. We hiked, had picnics, fished in the creek and took care of the animals my dad insisted we have on our "farm." We'd play school where I was the teacher and he was the student. No wonder he didn't really like school much!

Like any relationship though, there were times when we didn't get along. DJ was more mischievous than me. He and a friend were caught smoking cigarette butts in the neighbor's car and another time he lit the forest near our house on fire. He even shot me with a BB gun! For my part, I was (he'd probably say I still am) very bossy. I would tell him what to do, in a tone of voice that I'm sure was far from pleasant. I'd take advantage of being the oldest in the family and felt I knew what was best for everyone. And there were times where I was selfish, like the high school examples above, and hurt the ones I was supposed to love the most. Unfortunately my behavior continued to affect our relationship into adulthood.

Our boys and my youngest brother

Over the last couple of years as DJ and I have been in touch more often, I've been thinking about sibling relationships and wondering how my children's sibling relationship will be as adults. Our teenage boys, who are 18 months apart, get along well. When they were younger, playing at the beach, skate park or in the yard was fun to watch. Today, they share a passion for playing hockey, hangout with each other's friends and seem to have a mutual respect for one another. I haven't witnessed a physical fight, a yelling match or the silent treatment. And when our youngest started high school, the oldest didn't tell him not to talk to him at school (as far as I know).

I'm not saying they always play nice in the sandbox. There have been times when our younger son complained about his older brother "always" being mean to him or the older one being annoyed with his younger brother tagging along. These are normal growing pains of sibling relationships. I'm sure in the next couple of years they have left together before the oldest leaves for college, there will be some sand throwing.

One of the last family pictures
when all siblings were together

The boys' relationship will continue throughout their entire lives. As they become adults, what will it look like? Will they live near one another? Will they be close and call or see each other often? With they continue to have similar interests? Will they make time to keep this relationship close or will they drift apart? I know that their careers will lead them in different paths and that spouses and families can keep them physically separate, but I pray that they find ways to stay closely connected. Even with technology and social media, it's not always easy to maintain sibling relationships, as many of us know. I hope they make the effort. Which reminds me, I need to call my brother.

Are Microplastics in Your Face Cleanser?

Have you ever thought about your relationship with the environment? Most of the time, we think of relationships as something between people. But how we treat the environment affects us. Isn’t that similar to relationships with people? I’ve been a long-time recycler of cardboard, plastic, glass and paper, but today I made the commitment to add microplastics to my list of environmental concerns.

As I was squeezing the last drop of Noxzema Ultimate Clear Anti-Blemish Daily Scrub from its tube this morning, I thought of the resolution adopted by the Traverse City commissioners urging residents to avoid using personal care products containing microbeads. I also wondered…how do I know if my face soap contains microbeads, so I did a little research.

From my husband, who works at Inland Seas Education Association (schoolship.org), I already knew that microplastics is becoming an environmental issue for the Great Lakes. Since these tiny plastic beads do not biodegrade, they are there forever. As they float on the surface of the water, they collect “stuff” and fish mistake them for food. Fish eat them, and since we eat fish, we are eating plastic. Sounds yummy. There are current studies being conducted on the impact of microplastics on the food chain, but I’m not waiting for their results to change my purchasing habits.

Microplastics can be found in exfoliating face washes, body washes, body scrubs, hand sanitizers and toothpaste. The ingredient listed is usually polyethylene, but could also be polypropylene, polyethylene terephthalate, polymethyl methacrylate or nylon. I’m not a scientist, but I can read labels. (By the way, my face scrub is microbead free. It’s made by Unilever who has promised “to phase out plastic scrub beads from personal care products…by 2015” according to beatthemicrobead.org. It contains Jojoba Esters instead of plastic.)

http://waterandmoreblog.com/2013/04/13/
uncovering-great-lakes-garbage-patch/

So what am I going to do to protect the environment from microplastics. First of all, I’m telling anyone who reads this about the issue so that they can be aware and share it with others. Next, I’m going to read the label of products before I buy them and not purchase products that contain microbeads. Other people are contacting manufacturers or pushing for legislation to stop the production of products using microplastics. Protecting our resources is important for our future generations and the relationship they will have with the environment. Think of the movie Wall-E where the earth becomes inhospitable due, in part, to environmental problems. I don’t want that, do you?

Sharing a post for moms of boys

My cousin posted this link on Facebook about what teenage boys need from mom. I thought it was a great post and wanted to share.

http://monicaswanson.com/what-a-teenage-boy-needs-most-from-his-mom/

Practicing Empty Nesting

Tonight our teenage boys return from hockey camp. They are driving the three and a half hours back, alone/together (i.e., without us). Yes, we let our newly licensed 16 year old drive them TO camp as well. While I teetered between being a protective parent wanting to take them to camp and a tough love parent wanting them to learn life lessons on their own, I settled on the latter....that was until last night, their last night at camp.

Sure, they drove to Kalamazoo on Sunday and made it to Grandpa's just fine. They got gas, using our oldest son's debit card at the gas station. When we talked to them on Monday, they were out to dinner with other guys from the camp at Buffalo Wild Wings. Every night we talked to them we heard camp was fun, Grandma was feeding them, they were watching tv (a luxury boat living has denied them for the last two months) and they weren't ready to come home...until last night.

Home safe and sound

While my husband and I have been enjoying our brief stint of empty nesters, last night brought reality to what we will encounter in the not too distant future. Our youngest complained about blistered feet, getting hit by a puck in the throat (shot by his brother, of course) and dropping his phone and breaking the screen, for the second time in four months. Our oldest said his windshield wipers weren't working, and later texted that someone in the locker room stole all his money out of his wallet. These situation caused me to want to fix everything for them, yet tell them why these things happened to them. Nurturing mom or tough love mom...?

I believe I can be both. When they get home tonight I plan on giving them big hugs and kisses. (I really do miss them, and this will be practice for when they come home from college). I'm not planning on paying for any cell phone screens or reimbursing any lost monies. But, I have found someone to repair the screen and will be very empathetic with regards to the money taken. I hope that my example of encouragement not condemnation and peace not anger will help them get through this costly disappointing time.

We all have situations that are hard to swallow, and having someone to love and care about us as we go through them is what we need. My mom used to tell me that parenting never ends, it just changes. This week I have had a brief look into just what she meant by that statement. As my relationship changes with the boys as they get older, I'm never going to stop loving, caring for and teaching them. It's just that the situations will become more difficult and the parenting more heart-breaking, knowing that they need to figure it out themselves.

Long-Term Friends

A very good friend of mine recently blogged about our lengthy relationship, which is approaching 40 years. (Read about it here.) Paula was the first friend I made when my family moved from "town" to the "country" (not that there was much of a difference in the U.P. at the time). As she mentions, whenever I think, see or hear of cat's cradle, I think of her. She does a great job describing our friendship through the years, along with sharing some embarrassing and wonderful pictures of us.

Friends made in his lifetime so far

My friendship with Paula gives me hope for our boys. My husband's job has taken our family to a new town, a new school and new friends. As teenage boys who have grown up in one small town, this is going to be a difficult transition. Their attitudes have been awesome and they have summer jobs, but they miss their friends from "home." I've had many conversations with them about all the new friends they will make in the new town, when they go to college and in their careers. I've also told them that some of their current friends will be friends for life...like Paula.

Friends since high school

As stated in her blog, there is a difference between friends and acquaintances. Long-term friends are there through the many stages of life. A particular situation or life event may bring the friends together, but it's the staying together that defines friendship. As in any relationship, there may be disagreements, but there is also reconciliation, joy and a comfort in knowing that they love you no matter what. It isn't proximity that keeps people friends. It's not even having a lot in common. It's the connection people feel when both parties are interested in the other's lives and make a point to let them know.

While I haven't known all my friends as long as Paula, I treasure the many I have made over the years. The close relationships I built with people in high school, college or the many moves I made in my life are enduring to me. No matter where life takes me, I still have the experiences, memories and connections with these friends. I believe God put each individual person in my life at the right time for a specific purpose. If you are one of these friends, know that you are valuable to me.

I saw the following video earlier this year and thought of Paula and I (not sure which of us is Alice). I would feel blessed if we are still laughing and spending time together when we are 100 years old!

Living on the Boat

Current Address: Slip #1

We are waiting for our house to sell and have been living two-hours away on our 34' sailboat for over a month. Now I know you're probably saying, "How great is that?" or "What fun!" as these are the statements we usually hear when people find out we're living on the boat. Yes, there are great things about boat dwelling, but there are also those that make life difficult. Our relationships are being tested and strengthened, I hope, through doing this together. I will try to summarize our experience so far.

Great things about living on the boat:

•   Cleaning takes a small fraction of the time the house does. And quite frankly, I'm learning not to stress so much about the clutter...in the short term anyway.

•   Waking up to the sun shining on a glassy bay dotted with boats or watching the wind form ripple patterns as it blows across the water.

•   There is no television and no wi-fi (although we all have data on our phones). The limited time we spend together is in close proximity. We are more attuned to each others' schedules and life problems since we are forced to do more talking.

Cabin, pre-living

•   The boys pitch in to do whatever needs to be done. From sailing to cooking and doing the dishes, to taking the dog for a walk and cleaning up after her, to odds and ends like getting the towel that blew off the boat and was on the bottom of the lake, they have been diligent in helping us, with very little complaining.

•   We live wherever the boat takes us. While we have a "home base" slip, we have also stayed in a nearby marina. This marina allowed our boys more freedom in getting to work and finding activities to do on their own. A change of scenery is refreshing.

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? Keep reading. The following list may change your mind.

Issues that test us while living on the boat:

Cabin, two-weeks in

•   While it doesn't take too long to clean the boat, it's mostly because our stuff takes up a lot of room. That's not saying much when four people and a dog live in a space smaller than most bedrooms. Learning where to store our clothing, bathing, cooking, cleaning, eating and entertaining items has been interesting.

•   "Put your dirty clothes in the bag instead of all over the boat."

•   "Take the long board off the boat so the dog has a place to sleep."

•   Vacuum the dog hair, sweep the dog hair, wipe up the dog hair. Same as at home but more noticeable on the light colored flooring.     

•   I’m about ready to abandon recycling. It's just "one more thing" to figure out where it fits.

•   "Let me stand in the head (bathroom, for you land lubbers) so you can get by to get your clothes to take a shower." "Don't stand in the galley (i.e., kitchen) to eat your banana and peanut butter. I need to start dinner."

•   Take the cutting board with the bananas, and whatever else is currently being stored on it, off the stove to make macaroni and cheese. Then move the cutting board, with related items, off the refrigerator to get out the milk and butter. Move cutting board from sink to fill pan with water. Get the mac ‘n cheese box out of its storage space after moving the cutting board again. Getting the picture of our space issue?

When we used to vacation

•   In the past, we've vacationed on the boat. That entails sleeping in, not doing much during the day, sailing from port to port and relaxing on the boat in the evening. Not so much when you live on it. Our "life" schedules haven't changed since living on the boat. We work every day. The boys are still busy with sports and now they have jobs. The dog still thinks it's time to get up as soon as the sun rises (and she can't get out of the boat on her own). And we have a house two hours away that we continue to maintain.

•   Speaking of maintaining...our home away from home needs just as much maintenance as the house. When we first moved on it this year, the gas to the stove wasn't working, the sink was torn apart because it was leaking and we didn't have water anyway because there hadn't been time to fill the tanks. After a couple of weeks these problems were fixed and we can make meals on the stove and run water for cooking, drinking and doing the dishes, but there is still woodwork that needs to be sanded and stained, stanchions that need rebedding and a dodger to be sewn.

•   Grocery shopping takes on a whole new meaning. I've never been one to like any type of shopping, but now that I have to do it more often in smaller quantities, due to our space issue, I'm beginning to like it even less. Add the fact that the local grocery store is expensive and driving into town through Up North summer tourist traffic is maddening and it becomes a logistical nightmare for me. Did I remember the cooler? Should I bring grocery bags or get plastic to use for garbage bags? How much can I buy to fit in the refrigerator/freezer? Where have all these people come from?!

•   No wi-fi! It's amazing how we've become accustomed to instant Internet access whenever we wanted it. I teach online and send a lot of emails and documents with my consulting job. The boys stream when using wi-fi but not their data so they use their phones less on the boat. Walking to the office or a coffee shop to hit a hot spot is inconvenient, but at least we have access to it.

•   I thought laundry at home was a chore. Now I'm either driving two hours to the house or schlepping four or more bags to the laundromat. One is more time consuming while the other is more expensive.

Even with all the inconveniences that come with living on a boat, I'm thankful we are experiencing this adventure together. At minimum, it's giving me stories to share with my grandchildren about their parents. Am I ready to move into a house? Sure, but until that time comes, I'm trying to make the best of this opportunity. A lifetime is made up of a multitude of experiences involving many relationships. I hope our boys are learning that the relationships they create with others will involve different experiences, each with their own set of joys and struggles. 

My Relationship Gardens

I've been looking at my flower beds. And I use flower very loosely, as they are made up mostly of hostas and day lillies. (Obviously, I do not have green thumbs.) If you've ever owned either of these plants, you know that the positive sides of them are they come back every year and they have a pretty flower, which is around only briefly. The downside of these plants is that they spread. Eventually they overtake an entire area, even outside the designated section, and need to be thinned out which is sometimes hard to do. As I dreaded having to thin them out this year, I reminded myself it's my own fault for planting them in the first place.

One of my pitiful flower beds

Gardening reminds me of my relationships. They are hard work, I reap what I sow and external factors impact my good intentions. Just as in gardening, relationships take time...time to prepare the soil (knowing myself and what I bring to a relationship), time to plant seeds (spending time with others and getting to know them), time to weed (getting rid of unnecessary baggage and things that clutter the relationship) and time to enjoy the harvest (taking pleasure in the companionship of others). Time is a big factor in what makes them grow.

What I put into my relationships I get back. I see it with my husband, my kids and my friends. If I don't see it in the short-term, I know I'll see the consequences in the long-term. The song Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin is a reminder of this. I'll admit there are times when my words or actions do not reflect what I want to get back in a relationship. Many times I have been impatient with the boys, sometimes for no reason. I've had to learn to control my tongue. I also know that when I'm actually "there," in a mental and emotional sense not just physical, that my relationships are much richer and deeper. Giving my undivided attention in conversations and being available when others want me are what I want to sow because it is also what I want to reap.

My most important relationship gardens

What I sow, others also reap. This is one lesson I want to be sure my boys learn. While the garden of marriage may end in divorce, it's the children and extended family members who reap what the couple sowed. Work relationships gone awry can also have an unintended consequence on families. Someone who abuses their work/client relationships by embezzling funds belonging to others impact the families, not just the individuals, affected by the action. If the embezzler goes to prison, their own family has to reap what they sowed.

There are times when gardening is difficult. The sun doesn't shine enough, rain is scarce, the bugs or animals eat what I am trying to grow or schedules make it difficult to be attentive to the plants. How similar this is to my relationships! Other people influence those I care about, society's messages tell me to put myself first instead of others, there's never enough time to invest in all my relationships and hurts happen. The desire to see my garden or relationship flourish helps me to get through those difficult times.

Just as I admire beautiful gardens, I hope people will admire my relationships. I hope they see me trying to sow seeds of love, patience, kindness and unselfishness, and see me spending the time to help them grow. I'd be blessed if my relationship gardens can be a guiding example for others.