Saying Thanks

Remember getting a gift from a grandparent or relative who you had not seen in a while and it was too small, too childish, or not of your interest? Did your parents expect you to thank them, even though you were disappointed? Why do we do that as parents? I propose it’s because we want to teach our children to be thankful for thoughtfulness, more so than gifts. Being sincerely thankful is something we should all strive to practice. I know there are times that I struggle with this and have to remind myself how I feel when people show gratefulness to me. I like it and it feels good. But I also get that same feeling when I show others appreciation.

We have been having our boys send thank you notes to family and friends for birthday and Christmas presents since they were too young to write. They even send a little note for Valentine’s, Easter and Halloween cards. Since we have always lived away from family and friends, it is important to not only thank them for their gifts and thoughtfulness, but also let them know we received them. Before the boys could write, they would color or paint, and I would write the note. As they learned to write their name, they would add that at the end of the note. Soon they were writing their own notes. Today, they often use technology to send thank you notes, although the traditional thank you note format is reserved for family members who do not have the technology. I’ve assured the boys that once they are out of the house, they can decide to continue to send thank you notes themselves. My hope is that a heart of appreciation remains and they continue to show it to others.

Besides gifts, I have tried to teach the boys to be thankful for what people do for them. Thanking someone for having them over to play, for giving them a ride, or for doing them a favor such as getting the milk out of the refrigerator or putting their clothes from the washer into the dryer.  Everyone likes to be appreciated. Remembering to say thank you when someone opens the door for you or lets you cut in line are simple ways to show your gratefulness.

The opposite of thankful is being critical, unappreciative or thankless. Living a life of unthanks is a miserable life. The more we practice thankfulness, the better our attitude and outlook on life and possibly our health. So when you start to focus on what your sibling did wrong to you, how miserable your job is or why your car keeps breaking down, find areas where you can be appreciative. I’ve had to create a ‘Thanks Journal’ recently because I found myself being too critical, unappreciative and thankless, especially in these cold, snowy winter days. Entries in this journal include seeing the sun (periodically), being safe on the roads, and having a snow blower to clear the driveway (and when it breaks down, I am thankful for a husband and son who can fix it). Wherever you are in your life’s journey, I hope you remember to find ways to be sincerely thankful.

Balancing Your Life to Be Your Best

One of the reasons I created this blog was to leave a legacy for our boys to use as they go through life. Something that will, hopefully, encourage them when they struggle...or just for enjoyment/memory sake. I hope that this entry will be one they take to heart when they find life getting too stressful.

We are a family of overachievers, well, most of us anyway. We work hard at what we do, and dare I say, want to be the best at it. While being the best is not such a bad thing, it can have negative consequences if we lose perspective. I'd like to instill in my children to be THEIR best in all they do rather than trying to be THE best in particular areas of their lives. There are four reasons why I think trying to be THE best, whether it's in one area or many, creates stress in one's life.

Trying to be the best can be very difficult, especially if we try to be the best in all areas of our lives. Even as we try to be the best in one area of our life, other parts suffer. There are countless personal, local, and national stories to support this. Here are some examples:

Courtesy of Brian Zaikowski
http://www.dementeddenizens.com/

• People who work long, hard hours to be the best in their careers end up losing relationships with family and friends. Some of the time invested in their career could have been spent cultivating their most important relationships. The flip side of this is also true. Too much time spent developing a relationship can cause a career to suffer if the work does not get done.
• Wanting to be the best parent may cause conflict with a spouse or other family members. Too often, being the best parent leads to becoming friends with the child rather than parent. As a spouse or friend or family member points this out, it often creates stress in that relationship.
• After a failed marriage, some people put all their energy into being the best spouse in the next marriage. This often results in their relationships with children from their first marriage to suffer. On the flip side of this, second marriages sometimes suffer because one spouse focuses too much on their children from the first marriage rather than the spouse.

A second reason why I believe trying to be the best causes stress is that sustaining being the best in something can be physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. Over time, a person can become burned out, worn down, and depressed by trying to keep up the level of energy necessary to be the best. Athletes experience this. They may be the best for a particular event or season, but to continue that stature for a long period of time, may end up turning to drugs. Individuals who overwork themselves turn to drugs and alcohol to help them sleep or relax or forget about missing out on significant events in their families' life.

Being the best is relative. There is going to be someone else, somewhere, that is  better. More and more, we live in a global society which makes this even more true. Whether it be athletics, education, career, parenting, or hobbies, there are others who are just as good, if not better, than we are. Comparing ourselves to other people can cause stress.

The last point is that there is always room to improve. No matter how good we are at something, we can always be better. This is not to discourage, but to keep the idea of 'being the best' in perspective. Rather than focusing on being better than others, we should focus on how we can improve in the different areas of our lives.

Being your best is doing the best you can without sacrificing other areas of your life. For example, coaching your kid's sports team and still being home for dinner most nights, creates balance between work and children/family. Committing to a weekly date night helps to keep your spouse in balance with other areas of your life. Keeping your finances in balance reduces the stress in your relationships and on your health. Getting together with family and friends monthly, or as often as possible, reminds you of how important those relationships are to your overall being. Eating healthy and exercising go a long way in allowing you to enjoy other areas of your life.

Doing our best is something we should all strive for, whether it be in our careers, relationships, or other areas of our lives. Not that you have to be the best in all areas of your life, but that you work equally hard in striving to balance being your best in all areas. Balance will lead to longer, richer relationships, which in turn, will lead to less stress in your life.

What You Mean to Me

I didn’t intend for this to be posted around Thanksgiving, but it sure fits with the season.

As we interact with others, we may never know what our relationships mean to them. It seems like we often wait too long to tell others what they mean to us…usually after terrible accidents, disease diagnoses, or at funerals. If we would like others to share what we mean to them, we should tell them how much they mean to us. I wish I did a better job of this with those around me. I have a couple of friends who are very good about sharing, with me, the importance of our relationship. It sure feels good to hear it.

While I may not share it enough, I treasure all my relationships, even the difficult ones (maybe not during the trying time, but in hindsight). I believe people have been put in our lives for a purpose, some for the long haul, and others for just a brief time. We get to enjoy/not enjoy new experiences in life with them, learn lessons from them (both good and bad), and walk this journey without doing it alone. If you are reading this and you know me, please be assured that whatever our relationship, past or current, has had an impact on my life, and I am grateful for it.

Below is our youngest son’s hero essay, written about his dad. This is a great example of the importance of relationships. While my husband may think that our son likes me “better” because he is more affectionate toward me or because we are like two peas in a pod (which is not always good), this essay shows what my husband really means to our son. 

He's Always There For Me    
    My hero taught me to love three things: God, family, and hockey. These may not be important to you, but these are the three most important things in my life. Nobody could ever take away these things, or what I have learned from them. My hero helped me learn about all of these things. My hero is my father.
    I've learned many things from my father. One thing that I look forward to every year is deer camp. I have been going to deer camp with my father ever since I was in fourth grade. I spend lots of time with my dad when we are hunting, and I have a lot of fun on these weekends together. Another thing I enjoy doing with my father is fishing. Many times we will just go out and go fishing. He has taught me a lot about how to fish, and now I often tease him about being better than him. This quality time that we spend together is something that I enjoy.
    My dad takes us to church, like many parents, so I would grow up learning about God. He has told me many stories about how God has helped him in his life, and helped me to better understand many of the things I learn in church. This is what I am most grateful for, him passing on to me the knowledge of God.
    My father has also made it important for us to spend time together as a family. We go on vacation together, often driving for countless hours at a time. We go on boat trips together, sailing for a week together on a boat. Of course there have been rough times in these experiences together, but he has taught me how to work through these struggles together. He has also taught me that family and God are the two things you must always love, no matter how mad they make you, they will always love you.
    The third most important thing in my life is sports, but mostly hockey. My dad has played hockey his whole life. Growing up, he was my role model and I wanted to be just like him, so of course that meant I would grow up to become a hockey player. At first it was frustrating, falling again and again, but my dad was always there to pick me up, offer some tips, and then let me go to try again. I have now played hockey for most of my life, and it has changed me. No matter where I am, if there is a sheet of ice somewhere I want to be skating on it.
    My hero has helped me learn that no matter what I'm going through in life, God, family, and hockey will always be there for me. Even when we are busy in our lives, and don't spend much time together, his many stories and lessons will be with me forever. 

In response to this essay, I’m going to spend some time thinking of the heroes in my life and the ways I can let them know how much they mean to me. I might just tell them…maybe at lunch…or send an email or card…maybe create a video or picture collage…I could write an essay…or sing a song (ok, maybe just play a song)…you get the picture. It doesn’t matter how I do it, as long as my message get through, “Here’s what you mean to me.”

Importance of Relationships in Battles

Have you ever had a friend, family member, or yourself go through a trying time? Maybe it was a situation or circumstance that was difficult, and in turn, strained a relationship or relationships. If you haven’t, you should feel blessed because for the most part, we all have them at some point in our lives.

When I look back at times in my life where I have felt the weight of something that was happening at a particular time, I think, how did I ever get out of that (or over it)? At these times, I see a battlefield. A line drawn in the sand where two camps are set up on either side. On one side is Satan/Evil/The Dark Side with his minions. On the other is me, or whoever I see is struggling. Satan is constantly sending fiery darts, things like lies, insults, situations, temptations, etc. at me. While I begin standing tall, I do get hurt. Over time I start to focus on where it hurts and take my eyes off the battle. I continue to get attacked and soon am bent over, finally falling to my knees and then on the ground. Sometimes it’s like I can’t fight any longer.

This is where relationships come in. I see others on my side. There are family members and friends who are there to fight for and with me, supporting me, encouraging me, praying for me. And over time (everything takes time) my wounds heal and I can begin to stand again. Maybe weakly at first, but I become stronger with their support. There may be times that I get hit again and fall, but I can get back up. That’s why relationships are so important in our lives. We cannot fight life’s battles all on our own. We need people there to be in our corner, to fight on our behalf.

One of the ways in which I feel I have strength to stand, not that I am always strong, is from my upbringing. Ephesians 6:10-18 discusses putting on God’s complete armor. This is a song we sang when I was a kid.

Put on God’s complete armor, so that you can successfully resist…all of the Devil’s methods of attack. You must wear truth as your belt, righteousness as your breastplate. The gospel of peace, firmly on your feet, salvation as your helmet. And in your hand the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. Lift up over all, faith as your shield, lift up over all, faith as your shield, for it shall quench any flaming arrow the enemy fires at you.

Whether you are a Christian or not, many of these pieces of armor are good to have to fight the battles in your life.

Truth. Who doesn’t want truth in their lives? We want people to be truthful with us, we want to know the truth, and we want people to believe us. Often times when we are attacked, we question the truth. We believe lies, whether they are about us or others in our lives. In turn, it brings us down. It hurts us. By wearing truth as your belt, you are seeking the truth instead of believing everything that is hurled at you.

Peace. Don’t we all want peace at home, at work, and within ourselves? I find it interesting that in the song above, peace is on your feet. Wherever we walk, we should be bringing peace and finding peace. What is peace? According to Wikipedia, peace is an absence of hostility. Peace also means healthy interpersonal relationships. That sounds like something we could all use.

Faith. It’s interesting that faith is a shield. When singing this song, I see myself holding up my shield to stop a fiery dart that may be coming at me. But when I am weak, I cannot hold up that shield any longer. I may even be crouched on the ground, hiding under it, but I still have faith. Faith that things will get better. Faith that I can win this battle.  We can all use a little faith.

Along with truth, peace, and faith, we also need people on the battlefield with us. Often times we fight amongst ourselves on this side of the battlefield. If we view life as a battlefield and focus on supporting one another to fight off whatever it is that attacks us, we can be stronger. If you look at the bigger picture, we are not enemies. The enemy is the lies, deception, etc. that infiltrate our lives. By fighting together and supporting one another, we can help each other to overcome those difficult situations and circumstances we all encounter.

Relationships in Pictures

Ever stop to think about your relationships? Spend some time looking at your pictures. I recently was looking for a photo and ended up spending too many hours much later into the night than I had planned. Pictures are reminders of our lives and our relationships...people, places, and things that have impacted us.

As I looked through the photographs, I was reminded of how much my husband and I have been through in our 19 years of marriage. We met while working for a tall ship company. We spent a summer in Alaska before getting married. We've had eight addresses and have been fortunate to have had multiple travel opportunities over the years. In that time we had a miscarriage, five degrees, two awesome boys, a well-behaved dog, career changes, seven cars, our mothers dying too young, and some form of floatation device (i.e., sailboat, powerboat, canoe, kayak, windsurfer, noodles, etc.). Our life has had its struggles as well as joys, but what relationship doesn't?

I reflected on other relationships as well. (Remember, I stayed up longer than I should have.) There were pictures of friends we've had for many, many years, along with people who had entered our lives for a very short time. It brought back memories of all the fun things we've done with others such as boating, camping, skiing, and Spring Breaks. Some friends show up in pictures year after year, while some exist in one lone picture (but still a memory and a relationship had). The pictures even brought back sad memories of friends or family lost to death or relationships that just didn't work out.

Seeing how our kids, and us, have grown over the years is bittersweet. While I see all the wonderful memories we've made, I know the time is too soon when our boys will be on their own. At that point, the pictures I take will begin to change. The pictures of times spent with our friends and their families will be replaced with just us "old" guys...meaning the parents. (I'm actually looking forward to this.) Pictures of us and our kids will be replaced with them and their girlfriends, spouses, and eventually children...more new relationships to begin. Family gathering pictures will start missing loved ones as they age and pass away.

Over a lifetime we all develop a lot of relationships. With these relationships come great times and hardships. Whether it be with a spouse, sibling, child, parent, friend, boss, or coworker, there are going to be phases in each relationship. Remember to enjoy the great times and work through the hard times because relationships make up our lives. Looking at these pictures has reminded me how blessed my life has been. If you are one of those relationships in my life, thank you for doing life with me.

Driver's Education

Our eldest son, Kyle, started driver’s training last week, even though he’s 14.* While it's hard to believe this phase of his life is upon us, I'm glad it's finally here. Not just for the convenience this will offer us (in 13 more months), but being able to say "yes" when he asks to drive (next month) will be great. Over the last year or so, we've often heard..."Can I drive?" "I'll drive!" "When can I drive?" Each time my response has been..."Not yet." "Soon." "I wish." "If you could, I'd let you."

As I reflect on his path to this point, I see how he has been practicing for this event. It all  started with his red Radio Flyer tricycle. Even before he could pedal the tricycle, he wanted to ride it. We'd push him around the cement slab or parking lot, wherever we happened to be. He eventually learned to pedal it himself, but got frustrated with his lack of speed. When the tricycle wasn't exciting enough, he moved onto a battery-powered four wheeler with slick plastic wheels. This was the first time I worried about his driving skills...too fast. Next was his bicycle, with training wheels, of course. He would race around on that bike in the driveway, teetering back and forth between wheels. It wasn't long before he raced around on his bike everywhere we went, on two wheels. After his bike, came the neighbor's 50cc motorcycle that he almost drove into a tree. Then grandpa bought a golf cart for great-grandpa to get around the property. Kyle first got to drive it under adult supervision, but was soon driving it alone, or with passengers. He loves to drive the golf cart, fast and backward.

I have seen growth and confidence in Kyle's "driving" abilities over the years. Learning the biking rules of the road has helped him understand stopping at intersections, staying on his side of the road, and watching out for others. He learned to use one foot to control the pedals on the golf cart rather than two. As for confidence, it didn't matter if it was skills in school, sports, music, or hobbies, the more confident he had in his abilities, the better he became. I hope that continues as he practices driving. While I love seeing him confident, I don't necessarily like watching him drive the golf cart (or the car) around backward.

In each phase of Kyle's growth, I also learned to trust him a little more. Trust that he had enough balance to not fall on his bike. Trust that he would stop at the next intersection when he would ride ahead of me. Trust that he wouldn't go too fast and watch where he was going on the golf cart. Now as he ventures into driving a car, I have to learn to trust his judgment, trust his skills, and trust he uses the car wisely. While I'm sure I will worry about him, especially when he gets his license and drives alone, I know this is an important step in his journey to adulthood. I look forward to participating in this exciting part of his life, building memories that I hope he will remember when he goes through the same experience with his kids.

 
*Driver’s education has changed in Michigan since I took it. Students can now start driver’s training when they are 14 years and 8 months. They go through Segment 1, which is 24 hours of classroom time, six hours behind the wheel, and four hours of observation while another student is behind the wheel. Once they have their Level 1 license for at least three months and acquired 30 hours of driving experience, with some night hours in there, they can take Segment 2. After six hours of classroom instruction in Segment 2, they can receive their driver’s license at 16 years old.

Summer Relationship with the Kids

As summer approaches, I get that excited feeling of a new schedule and a little more freedom. For ten years, I was able to spend extra time in the summer with our boys. We would spend hours at the beach, riding bikes, and going to playgrounds/parks. We spent more time sleeping in (at least they did), being outside, and just being together.

Over the years my time spent with the boys during the summers has been enjoyable and fulfilling, finding a good mix of what they wanted to do and what I wanted to do. For many years, the main activity the boys wanted to do was go to a skate park. While we’ve been to quite a few different

Skatepark in Years Past

skate parks, they have their favorite where I have spent countless hours planning for the next school year, reading a book I told myself I would get to during the summer, or visiting with friends and family that I could cajole into coming along. (I do have a good friend whose son wanted to spend as much time at the skate park as my kids.) The memories I have of watching them grow and improve in their skateboarding/biking/rollerblading skills, seeing their interpersonal skills increase, and discussing various topics to and from the skate parks has been worth every minute, even the ones where I complained about going or being there.
My favorite thing to do in the summer, or any time, is to travel. It doesn’t really matter where we go; it’s just the enjoyment of spending time together, getting out of the regular routine, and creating memories that make travelling appealing to me. Whether alone or with friends, I have subjected the boys to numerous trips to Grandma and Grandpa’s, camping, waterfall viewing, historical sites, a mine tour, and our yearly visit to Castle Rock. They have spent countless hours in the car, listening to my music, reading their books, playing video games, and watching movies. Even when plans didn’t go as expected, like when we experienced mosquitos so thick we had to stay in the tent, I loved being with the kids.

One of my fondest memories of spending time with the boys was the summer reading program we did each year. For many years there was a theme, such as a bookshelf, a refrigerator, and a tree. After the boys read a book, they would add it to the bookshelf, choose an item to go in the refrigerator with the book name on it, or add the book name to an apple for the tree. We set reading goals, starting with something simple and inexpensive, like read 25 books (when the books took them a short time to read) for ice cream, up to 100 books to go to Michigan’s Adventure. As they got older and read chapter books, we used a certain number of chapters instead of books. A few years ago we read the Hunger Games trilogy as a family, sharing the same book. That was interesting!

Now that the boys have gotten older, they don’t want/need to spend as much time with me, so I have to look for other ways to continue to build our summer relationship. They are old enough to have lawn mowing jobs, but not old enough to drive there themselves. By taking them to their lawn mowing jobs, I still get the opportunity to talk with them about various topics. I am helping them track their time, invoice it, and manage the money they make, all skills that will benefit them in their future. Whether I am driving them to a friend’s house, providing food to their friends here, or supporting them at an athletic event or other extra-curricular, I am showing them how important they are to me.

In a child’s life, summer is a very precious time. In a parent’s life, the summers (and years) go by all too fast. I want to take advantage of every minute I can to develop my relationships with the boys, before they are on their own. I know that our relationship will change then, and I want to have a strong foundation for what is to come. After my relationships with God and my husband, my boys are the most important relationships I want to keep until I no longer breathe. In order to do that, I have to continually work at them, finding ways to connect, keeping communication open, and being there when they need me. The best part about it is that I don't mind working at it...especially in the summer.