Long-Term Friends

A very good friend of mine recently blogged about our lengthy relationship, which is approaching 40 years. (Read about it here.) Paula was the first friend I made when my family moved from "town" to the "country" (not that there was much of a difference in the U.P. at the time). As she mentions, whenever I think, see or hear of cat's cradle, I think of her. She does a great job describing our friendship through the years, along with sharing some embarrassing and wonderful pictures of us.

Friends made in his lifetime so far

My friendship with Paula gives me hope for our boys. My husband's job has taken our family to a new town, a new school and new friends. As teenage boys who have grown up in one small town, this is going to be a difficult transition. Their attitudes have been awesome and they have summer jobs, but they miss their friends from "home." I've had many conversations with them about all the new friends they will make in the new town, when they go to college and in their careers. I've also told them that some of their current friends will be friends for life...like Paula.

Friends since high school

As stated in her blog, there is a difference between friends and acquaintances. Long-term friends are there through the many stages of life. A particular situation or life event may bring the friends together, but it's the staying together that defines friendship. As in any relationship, there may be disagreements, but there is also reconciliation, joy and a comfort in knowing that they love you no matter what. It isn't proximity that keeps people friends. It's not even having a lot in common. It's the connection people feel when both parties are interested in the other's lives and make a point to let them know.

While I haven't known all my friends as long as Paula, I treasure the many I have made over the years. The close relationships I built with people in high school, college or the many moves I made in my life are enduring to me. No matter where life takes me, I still have the experiences, memories and connections with these friends. I believe God put each individual person in my life at the right time for a specific purpose. If you are one of these friends, know that you are valuable to me.

I saw the following video earlier this year and thought of Paula and I (not sure which of us is Alice). I would feel blessed if we are still laughing and spending time together when we are 100 years old!

Living on the Boat

Current Address: Slip #1

We are waiting for our house to sell and have been living two-hours away on our 34' sailboat for over a month. Now I know you're probably saying, "How great is that?" or "What fun!" as these are the statements we usually hear when people find out we're living on the boat. Yes, there are great things about boat dwelling, but there are also those that make life difficult. Our relationships are being tested and strengthened, I hope, through doing this together. I will try to summarize our experience so far.

Great things about living on the boat:

•   Cleaning takes a small fraction of the time the house does. And quite frankly, I'm learning not to stress so much about the clutter...in the short term anyway.

•   Waking up to the sun shining on a glassy bay dotted with boats or watching the wind form ripple patterns as it blows across the water.

•   There is no television and no wi-fi (although we all have data on our phones). The limited time we spend together is in close proximity. We are more attuned to each others' schedules and life problems since we are forced to do more talking.

Cabin, pre-living

•   The boys pitch in to do whatever needs to be done. From sailing to cooking and doing the dishes, to taking the dog for a walk and cleaning up after her, to odds and ends like getting the towel that blew off the boat and was on the bottom of the lake, they have been diligent in helping us, with very little complaining.

•   We live wherever the boat takes us. While we have a "home base" slip, we have also stayed in a nearby marina. This marina allowed our boys more freedom in getting to work and finding activities to do on their own. A change of scenery is refreshing.

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? Keep reading. The following list may change your mind.

Issues that test us while living on the boat:

Cabin, two-weeks in

•   While it doesn't take too long to clean the boat, it's mostly because our stuff takes up a lot of room. That's not saying much when four people and a dog live in a space smaller than most bedrooms. Learning where to store our clothing, bathing, cooking, cleaning, eating and entertaining items has been interesting.

•   "Put your dirty clothes in the bag instead of all over the boat."

•   "Take the long board off the boat so the dog has a place to sleep."

•   Vacuum the dog hair, sweep the dog hair, wipe up the dog hair. Same as at home but more noticeable on the light colored flooring.     

•   I’m about ready to abandon recycling. It's just "one more thing" to figure out where it fits.

•   "Let me stand in the head (bathroom, for you land lubbers) so you can get by to get your clothes to take a shower." "Don't stand in the galley (i.e., kitchen) to eat your banana and peanut butter. I need to start dinner."

•   Take the cutting board with the bananas, and whatever else is currently being stored on it, off the stove to make macaroni and cheese. Then move the cutting board, with related items, off the refrigerator to get out the milk and butter. Move cutting board from sink to fill pan with water. Get the mac ‘n cheese box out of its storage space after moving the cutting board again. Getting the picture of our space issue?

When we used to vacation

•   In the past, we've vacationed on the boat. That entails sleeping in, not doing much during the day, sailing from port to port and relaxing on the boat in the evening. Not so much when you live on it. Our "life" schedules haven't changed since living on the boat. We work every day. The boys are still busy with sports and now they have jobs. The dog still thinks it's time to get up as soon as the sun rises (and she can't get out of the boat on her own). And we have a house two hours away that we continue to maintain.

•   Speaking of maintaining...our home away from home needs just as much maintenance as the house. When we first moved on it this year, the gas to the stove wasn't working, the sink was torn apart because it was leaking and we didn't have water anyway because there hadn't been time to fill the tanks. After a couple of weeks these problems were fixed and we can make meals on the stove and run water for cooking, drinking and doing the dishes, but there is still woodwork that needs to be sanded and stained, stanchions that need rebedding and a dodger to be sewn.

•   Grocery shopping takes on a whole new meaning. I've never been one to like any type of shopping, but now that I have to do it more often in smaller quantities, due to our space issue, I'm beginning to like it even less. Add the fact that the local grocery store is expensive and driving into town through Up North summer tourist traffic is maddening and it becomes a logistical nightmare for me. Did I remember the cooler? Should I bring grocery bags or get plastic to use for garbage bags? How much can I buy to fit in the refrigerator/freezer? Where have all these people come from?!

•   No wi-fi! It's amazing how we've become accustomed to instant Internet access whenever we wanted it. I teach online and send a lot of emails and documents with my consulting job. The boys stream when using wi-fi but not their data so they use their phones less on the boat. Walking to the office or a coffee shop to hit a hot spot is inconvenient, but at least we have access to it.

•   I thought laundry at home was a chore. Now I'm either driving two hours to the house or schlepping four or more bags to the laundromat. One is more time consuming while the other is more expensive.

Even with all the inconveniences that come with living on a boat, I'm thankful we are experiencing this adventure together. At minimum, it's giving me stories to share with my grandchildren about their parents. Am I ready to move into a house? Sure, but until that time comes, I'm trying to make the best of this opportunity. A lifetime is made up of a multitude of experiences involving many relationships. I hope our boys are learning that the relationships they create with others will involve different experiences, each with their own set of joys and struggles. 

My Relationship Gardens

I've been looking at my flower beds. And I use flower very loosely, as they are made up mostly of hostas and day lillies. (Obviously, I do not have green thumbs.) If you've ever owned either of these plants, you know that the positive sides of them are they come back every year and they have a pretty flower, which is around only briefly. The downside of these plants is that they spread. Eventually they overtake an entire area, even outside the designated section, and need to be thinned out which is sometimes hard to do. As I dreaded having to thin them out this year, I reminded myself it's my own fault for planting them in the first place.

One of my pitiful flower beds

Gardening reminds me of my relationships. They are hard work, I reap what I sow and external factors impact my good intentions. Just as in gardening, relationships take time...time to prepare the soil (knowing myself and what I bring to a relationship), time to plant seeds (spending time with others and getting to know them), time to weed (getting rid of unnecessary baggage and things that clutter the relationship) and time to enjoy the harvest (taking pleasure in the companionship of others). Time is a big factor in what makes them grow.

What I put into my relationships I get back. I see it with my husband, my kids and my friends. If I don't see it in the short-term, I know I'll see the consequences in the long-term. The song Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin is a reminder of this. I'll admit there are times when my words or actions do not reflect what I want to get back in a relationship. Many times I have been impatient with the boys, sometimes for no reason. I've had to learn to control my tongue. I also know that when I'm actually "there," in a mental and emotional sense not just physical, that my relationships are much richer and deeper. Giving my undivided attention in conversations and being available when others want me are what I want to sow because it is also what I want to reap.

My most important relationship gardens

What I sow, others also reap. This is one lesson I want to be sure my boys learn. While the garden of marriage may end in divorce, it's the children and extended family members who reap what the couple sowed. Work relationships gone awry can also have an unintended consequence on families. Someone who abuses their work/client relationships by embezzling funds belonging to others impact the families, not just the individuals, affected by the action. If the embezzler goes to prison, their own family has to reap what they sowed.

There are times when gardening is difficult. The sun doesn't shine enough, rain is scarce, the bugs or animals eat what I am trying to grow or schedules make it difficult to be attentive to the plants. How similar this is to my relationships! Other people influence those I care about, society's messages tell me to put myself first instead of others, there's never enough time to invest in all my relationships and hurts happen. The desire to see my garden or relationship flourish helps me to get through those difficult times.

Just as I admire beautiful gardens, I hope people will admire my relationships. I hope they see me trying to sow seeds of love, patience, kindness and unselfishness, and see me spending the time to help them grow. I'd be blessed if my relationship gardens can be a guiding example for others.

Healthy Relationship With Your Body

This past week I stumbled upon my son’s self-consciousness about a physical feature he inherited and it broke my heart. While it hurt to see him concerned about it, it did give me the opportunity to talk to him about appearances. I shared how I was self-conscious about the space between my front teeth, and that as I go through life it still affects me at times. To deal with it, I remind myself that God made me who I am, and it’s okay to not be perfect. (I’m sure perfect people have issues too.) We talked about how people like him for his great personality and the person he is, not because of his appearance, even though he is very good-looking (not that I’m biased in this case). While he kept saying, “I know” to everything I said, I pray that this current self-consciousness will be short-lived and will not rear its ugly head too often in his life.

Grandma at 80

This experience got me thinking about our relationship with our appearance or our bodies. Whether we decide to do something about our appearance or not, if affects our emotional and mental state. We seem to never be consistently content about our looks. My Grandma was a beautiful woman, but she was always on one diet or another to lose those last five pounds. I used the ‘pregnancy excuse’ to eat as much as I wanted because it was “okay” to be “fat” during that time. I’ve known people who were obsessed with exercise and those who avoid it like the plague. Just for Men, hair removal, Botox, body sculpting, liposuction, plastic surgery, steroids. Look in magazines, online, billboards and commercials and you’ll see beautiful people with products and tips on how to get rid of or fix the parts of our appearance we do not like.

Have you seen the video of the model that is digitally enhanced to create the “perfect” person? Google ‘Photoshop perfect model video’ or watch this news link http://gma.yahoo.com/video/time-lapse-video-shows-models-122222286.html on body image. The organization Global Democracy was the first to post the video in hopes of getting a “mandatory disclaimer” on advertising if a model had her physical body manipulated by the computer. Many people may look negatively on marketers for doing this, but marketers sell what we want. Why is it that even though we know we don’t have perfect bodies, we think we should?

While marketing may influence what we believe about ourselves, we are our own worst critics. I know all the parts of my body that need “fixing,” and I know that some can be improved while others are hereditary and I need to stop letting them bother me. Herein lies the emotional and mental relationship I have with my body. I daily remind myself to care about being healthy and not compare myself to an ideal that is unrealistic. In keeping my body healthy, the things I eat and the things I do positively or negatively affect my body and in turn affect my emotional and mental state.

http://herrainbowbrightness.deviantart.com/
art/Sigarillas-Salad-118206314

We can have a loving or combative relationship with our bodies by the food we put into it. When I consume pasta and bread, ice cream and cookies, pop or alcohol on a regular basis, I gain weight. I like these foods, probably too much, and have learned to eat/drink them in moderation. I went through one summer eating big salads every day. (Remember Seinfeld’s Big Salad episode?) Great for my weight, but by the end of the summer, I couldn’t look a salad in the eye (if it had one). Once again, I had to learn moderation. Even though it’s easier to grab fast food or processed food, I know too much of it makes me feel awful, both physically and mentally.

Not eating affects our bodies as much as eating out of control. Anorexics and bulimics do not have healthy relationships with their bodies, nor do people who binge eat/drink. Many of these individuals also suffer from depression. While teens and early 20-somethings struggle most with eating disorders*, many take those tendencies into adulthood in the form of extreme dieting or skipping meals. My boys, while in this age group, do not seem to have these tendencies, but I want to watch for any changes in their eating behavior as they are on the early end of this age spectrum. I also want them to know about eating disorders in case they have girls or boys of their own that struggle with it.

In addition to eating right, exercise is a positive way to have a healthy relationship with our bodies. (I’m sure you’ve heard that before.) Sometimes I just don’t like to exercise. Breathing hard and sweating are agonizing for me on those days. But it is on those days that I consciously remind myself that my blood is pumping through my arteries and veins, keeping the pathways open and clear to keep me healthy. I may not enjoy the rest of the exercise, but at least I’ve convinced myself that it is for my benefit to complete it. Setting an example and teaching our children to exercise is important as they build their relationship with their bodies. The struggle comes in teaching exercise for health benefits rather than getting the six-pack, guns or ultra-slim figure as portrayed in the media.

The relationship we have with our bodies is an important part of our life. Without it, we die, literally. To live an emotionally and mentally stable life includes not being concerned about the plethora of messages out there touting what our bodies should look like and being more concerned about keeping it healthy. It’s not always an easy task, but what relationship that’s worth keeping is easy?

*http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/, https://www.dosomething.org/facts/11-facts-about-body-image

My Love/Hate Relationship with Technology

I'm sitting at the car dealership having my car looked at...again. After totaling my car this winter, we purchased a higher end (to us) vehicle from an individual. Lots of bells and whistles = lots that can go wrong. If it's not a problem with the mechanical parts of the car, it's the bells and whistles or computer sensors that go. Right now I'm trying to assess if I love the car more than I hate it.

This is just one example in my life where I love technology yet hate it. I love it when it works, but hate it when it doesn't. From cars to television to computers to phones, advancement in technology has been wonderful. Even when I had a "standard" car with no bells and whistles, when it didn't run, I would get frustrated. After all, I depended on that car to get me where I needed to go without walking (i.e., life before technology). We have had satellite television for 14 years. Love the technology because without it we could not enjoy news, sports and entertainment where we live. But when there is a torrential downpour, we hate it. It just doesn't work. I love my laptop because I can be productive and stay connected from anywhere. I hate the sensitivity of my track pad and when our Internet connection isn't working. My tablet is awesome, but I hate when it unexpectedly restarts when I am in the middle of something. Do I even need to mention my cell phone and no reception? This is my love/hate relationship with technology.

Some people would say that those are just inconveniences of using technology. I wholeheartedly agree. My problem is that I rely on it for work and personal life so much that when it does not perform the way I expect it to or want it to, I get irritated. I know I'm not alone. I would like to say I could live without technology, but that would be a lie. I love the convenience of throwing clothes in the washer and dryer instead of doing it by hand. The dishwasher is a lifesaver in my efforts to keep the kitchen clean. The stove, oven, crockpot, refrigerator, microwave...and don't get me started on the benefits of flush toilet technology!

Individuals who rely on technology in their jobs understand the love/hate relationship. Technology allows them to perform their jobs more effectively, communicate more efficiently, and collaborate in ways never before available. But when technology temporarily restricts those tasks, they often get upset. Teaching with technology can be frustrating when the internet doesn’t work or the equipment fails. Unreliable scanning equipment in the medical field would not only be stressful for the employee but anxiety-ridden for the patient. The inconvenience of a bank or insurance company having a server down or information unavailable to the customer for any period of time could impact how their customers view them. Ever been on the phone with a customer service representative when their computers are running slow? Or worked for a company whose photocopier broke down? Not only do these situations affect the employee using the technology, but it may also affects their relationship with the student, customer, client, etc.

Technology has allowed us to do much more than we ever could without it, but we have to be careful that it doesn't take the place of human interaction or human reason. I can spend hours on social media, connecting with family, friends, colleagues or people I hardly know. The problem comes when I allow that time to interfere with my in-person connections sitting right in front of me. We can collect and analyze data much easier and more efficiently than ever before, but it's what humans do with the data that makes a difference. For example, the dealership is going to connect my car to the their computer. Our computers will "talk" and they will determine what is wrong with my car. But I would hope that the mechanic will also drive my car to hear, feel and see what my car is doing. A computer cannot do that. Teachers use technology to collect data on their students' growth or lack thereof. That data should then be used to intervene and assist students in overcoming an obstacle. Only people can do this. While the data collected through technology is extremely beneficial, it's the people who use the data to help others that make a difference. This applies to the medical field, customer service and just about any organization that uses technology to collect information.

Movies on laptop plugged into converter box plugged into car 12 volt outlet

So while I sit here contemplating my relationship with my car (among other technologies), I truly am thankful for the advancement in technology as it has made life easier in many respects. Technology will continue to change and I look forward to how it will impact my children’s adult lives. I hope they appreciate the benefits of what it affords them to do and that they will have more love and less hate in those relationships.

Saying Thanks

Remember getting a gift from a grandparent or relative who you had not seen in a while and it was too small, too childish, or not of your interest? Did your parents expect you to thank them, even though you were disappointed? Why do we do that as parents? I propose it’s because we want to teach our children to be thankful for thoughtfulness, more so than gifts. Being sincerely thankful is something we should all strive to practice. I know there are times that I struggle with this and have to remind myself how I feel when people show gratefulness to me. I like it and it feels good. But I also get that same feeling when I show others appreciation.

We have been having our boys send thank you notes to family and friends for birthday and Christmas presents since they were too young to write. They even send a little note for Valentine’s, Easter and Halloween cards. Since we have always lived away from family and friends, it is important to not only thank them for their gifts and thoughtfulness, but also let them know we received them. Before the boys could write, they would color or paint, and I would write the note. As they learned to write their name, they would add that at the end of the note. Soon they were writing their own notes. Today, they often use technology to send thank you notes, although the traditional thank you note format is reserved for family members who do not have the technology. I’ve assured the boys that once they are out of the house, they can decide to continue to send thank you notes themselves. My hope is that a heart of appreciation remains and they continue to show it to others.

Besides gifts, I have tried to teach the boys to be thankful for what people do for them. Thanking someone for having them over to play, for giving them a ride, or for doing them a favor such as getting the milk out of the refrigerator or putting their clothes from the washer into the dryer.  Everyone likes to be appreciated. Remembering to say thank you when someone opens the door for you or lets you cut in line are simple ways to show your gratefulness.

The opposite of thankful is being critical, unappreciative or thankless. Living a life of unthanks is a miserable life. The more we practice thankfulness, the better our attitude and outlook on life and possibly our health. So when you start to focus on what your sibling did wrong to you, how miserable your job is or why your car keeps breaking down, find areas where you can be appreciative. I’ve had to create a ‘Thanks Journal’ recently because I found myself being too critical, unappreciative and thankless, especially in these cold, snowy winter days. Entries in this journal include seeing the sun (periodically), being safe on the roads, and having a snow blower to clear the driveway (and when it breaks down, I am thankful for a husband and son who can fix it). Wherever you are in your life’s journey, I hope you remember to find ways to be sincerely thankful.

Balancing Your Life to Be Your Best

One of the reasons I created this blog was to leave a legacy for our boys to use as they go through life. Something that will, hopefully, encourage them when they struggle...or just for enjoyment/memory sake. I hope that this entry will be one they take to heart when they find life getting too stressful.

We are a family of overachievers, well, most of us anyway. We work hard at what we do, and dare I say, want to be the best at it. While being the best is not such a bad thing, it can have negative consequences if we lose perspective. I'd like to instill in my children to be THEIR best in all they do rather than trying to be THE best in particular areas of their lives. There are four reasons why I think trying to be THE best, whether it's in one area or many, creates stress in one's life.

Trying to be the best can be very difficult, especially if we try to be the best in all areas of our lives. Even as we try to be the best in one area of our life, other parts suffer. There are countless personal, local, and national stories to support this. Here are some examples:

Courtesy of Brian Zaikowski
http://www.dementeddenizens.com/

• People who work long, hard hours to be the best in their careers end up losing relationships with family and friends. Some of the time invested in their career could have been spent cultivating their most important relationships. The flip side of this is also true. Too much time spent developing a relationship can cause a career to suffer if the work does not get done.
• Wanting to be the best parent may cause conflict with a spouse or other family members. Too often, being the best parent leads to becoming friends with the child rather than parent. As a spouse or friend or family member points this out, it often creates stress in that relationship.
• After a failed marriage, some people put all their energy into being the best spouse in the next marriage. This often results in their relationships with children from their first marriage to suffer. On the flip side of this, second marriages sometimes suffer because one spouse focuses too much on their children from the first marriage rather than the spouse.

A second reason why I believe trying to be the best causes stress is that sustaining being the best in something can be physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. Over time, a person can become burned out, worn down, and depressed by trying to keep up the level of energy necessary to be the best. Athletes experience this. They may be the best for a particular event or season, but to continue that stature for a long period of time, may end up turning to drugs. Individuals who overwork themselves turn to drugs and alcohol to help them sleep or relax or forget about missing out on significant events in their families' life.

Being the best is relative. There is going to be someone else, somewhere, that is  better. More and more, we live in a global society which makes this even more true. Whether it be athletics, education, career, parenting, or hobbies, there are others who are just as good, if not better, than we are. Comparing ourselves to other people can cause stress.

The last point is that there is always room to improve. No matter how good we are at something, we can always be better. This is not to discourage, but to keep the idea of 'being the best' in perspective. Rather than focusing on being better than others, we should focus on how we can improve in the different areas of our lives.

Being your best is doing the best you can without sacrificing other areas of your life. For example, coaching your kid's sports team and still being home for dinner most nights, creates balance between work and children/family. Committing to a weekly date night helps to keep your spouse in balance with other areas of your life. Keeping your finances in balance reduces the stress in your relationships and on your health. Getting together with family and friends monthly, or as often as possible, reminds you of how important those relationships are to your overall being. Eating healthy and exercising go a long way in allowing you to enjoy other areas of your life.

Doing our best is something we should all strive for, whether it be in our careers, relationships, or other areas of our lives. Not that you have to be the best in all areas of your life, but that you work equally hard in striving to balance being your best in all areas. Balance will lead to longer, richer relationships, which in turn, will lead to less stress in your life.