My Year of 50

Welcome, 2018! This is the year our youngest son becomes an adult, our oldest son is no longer a teenager, and I turn f-i-f-t-y. The Big 5-0. I remember when my dad turned 50. Big party, black balloons, and an over the hill cake. It used to seem so old. Half a century old. 

I don’t feel that way about 50 anymore. No anxiety or depression about that number here. I’m actually looking forward to turning 50 and will celebrate it throughout 2018 with a My Year of 50 list. The list began with things I’ve wanted to do for a long time like go to the Lilac Festival, read more, and get a tattoo. I added things I do but would like to do better such as eating more fruits and vegetables and exercising more often. Items I need to or should do this year like get a colonoscopy (ugh) were added, but to get to number 50, I used Google (found some great ideas too).

I’m sharing this list with family and friends for a couple of reasons. The first is that I hope others will join me in completing some of the items on the list. After all, life is more fun when shared with others. The second reason is accountability. If I kept it to myself it would be very easy to not follow through (like all the years I said I’d go to the Lilac Festival and did not). If you’re interested in participating in a number below, please message me. It’s going to be a great year!

My Year of 50

1. Attend hockey game at new arena with Elliott for his 18^th birthday
2. Complete a total of 50k in race/runs
3. Contribute at least 600 miles to my Run 2018 team
4. Eat fewer carbohydrates and less sugar
5. Eat more fruits and veggies
6. Exercise at least five days a week
7. Explore the Apostle Islands, Wisconsin
8. Get a colonoscopy
9. Get a facial
10. Get a tattoo
11. Get highlights
12. Get rid of outdated clothes
13. Go on a picnic
14. Go to a concert at a venue I’ve never been
15. Go to a movie in the middle of the day during the week
16. Go to the Lilac Festival on Mackinac Island
17. Grow a hanging tomato plant
18. Hike on Grand Island, Munising
19. Learn more about my family history
20. Learn some new Finnish and/or Italian words
21. Listen to new music
22. Make mint tea from the plants in our garden
23. Monthly coffee/drink date with a girlfriend
24. Pay for a stranger’s meal
25. Post once a week on Instagram/Facebook
26. Read a classic novel
27. Read Brown Girl Dreaming
28. Read Still Alice
29. Read the Girl in the Spider’s Web
30. Reconnect with an old friend
31. Renew my teaching certificate
32. Send/leave an inspirational note/compliment to someone each week
33. Spend an entire day watching movies/tv (at home)
34. Start a gratitude journal and place an entry every week
35. Stay in bed until 11 am, at least once
36. Stay on Isle Royale
37. Study love as described in the Bible
38. Take a new family photo
39. Take a yoga or Pilates class
40. Take an Ancestry DNA test
41. Try a new food every month
42. Try a new restaurant that is out of my comfort zone
43. Update the photos in the picture frames around the house
44. Volunteer at a soup kitchen (or similar place)
45. Watch a 25 cent movie at the State Theatre
46. Watch a movie at the TC Film Festival
47. Watch at least 10 sunsets
48. Watch Still Alice and compare to book
49. Write down one positive thing about myself each week
50. Write in my blog every month (This post counts for January!)

Being Thankful (in the Bathroom)

No one's favorite chore

“I love to clean the bathroom.” said no woman ever. If you’re like me, you do it because you ‘love a clean bathroom.’ There are definitely times I put off cleaning the bathroom for far too long and then really dread doing it. It’s usually at those times that my husband steps in and takes care of it for me. Yes, you read that right. My husband cleans the bathroom and has done so on many occasions.

This is just one of the many things that he does that I am thankful for (and it ranks high on the list). Just this week he fixed my treadmill and hung a picture in the guest room. He takes care of the lawn in the summer, the leaves in the fall, and the snow in the winter, all tasks I could do but prefer not to (especially picking up the dog poop that comes along with those jobs). Add to the list: car issues, plumbing problems, and making “stuff” for the house, all things I can’t do and would have to hire out. While I may do most of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and laundry, he also pitches in to help.

Very thankful for this guy!

This isn’t a checklist for other wives to give their husbands, but rather reasons for me to express thanks to him. It’s also a reminder to recognize all the things we can be thankful for. Let’s face it, life gets hard. There are going to be stretches when it’s difficult to see anything done by your spouse, parent, child, friend, or co-worker that is worthy of thanks. It’s in those times that writing (or typing) a list is important. I realized this at the lowest time in my life. It wasn’t easy to come up with a thankful or appreciation list, but it helped me to focus on the good and positive things in my relationships rather than the negative.

Thankfulness is more than just making a list though. It’s acting on it as well. When we are thankful, we should be intentional about expressing that thanks. “Thank you for cleaning the bathroom. It looks great.” or “I hate picking up the dog poop. I’m sure you don’t like it either, but I’m glad you do it.” Writing, texting, or emailing a note or making a video are other ways to thank someone. If you’re not sure what to say, read the thank you cards at a store or Google ‘how to say thanks.’

Saying thank you or showing appreciation feels good. Not only for the person that is being thanked or appreciated, but also for the giver. This may sound convoluted, but when my husband cleans the bathroom, he is thanking me for all I do around the house. As he alleviates this task from me, it makes me feel good. I, in turn, thank him for cleaning the bathroom, making him feel good for the job he did. Being thankful can be a continual cycle of feeling good.

Thankfulness is a powerful tool to use in our relationships. While it’s not always easy, we can start small. Find one thing another person does for you and thank them regularly for it. The more we practice thanksgiving the easier it becomes. As we continue to thank one another with our words and actions, we will see our relationships flourish. I pray that you begin a thankfulness journey this Thanksgiving that continues throughout the year.

It Feels Good to Cry

Today, I cried. I’m not embarrassed though because crying is good for you (just Google benefits of crying). It wasn’t an angry cry or a hopeless cry or a frustrated cry or a sobbing cry or even a grieving cry, although I’ve had many of those over the years. If I had to categorize it, it was a sad cry.

This boy turned 19 today.

Our oldest turned 19 today. Every year, I write each of the boys a letter for their birthday. This isn’t a letter that they open on their birthday, but rather one that I tuck away for the future. The letter is a summary of their past year…milestones, friends, sports, vacations, behaviors, etc. I print it, put it in an envelope, and stick it in their “saving box,” the place where we store keepsakes for them like report cards, writings, art work, and awards. The boys know about the boxes and understand they will receive them when they are “old enough,” which I’m anticipating is when they buy a house and we deliver the boxes with the rest of their childhood “memorabilia.” I don’t scrapbook so these letters are my way of keeping an account of their lives.

It was while I was writing his letter this morning that I cried. As I thought of his first year of college and all that transpired, I was overwhelmed with a mixture of sadness and pride. Sad that he is no longer around all the time yet proud that he is growing into a responsible young adult. He has handled adversity well and has learned some great life lessons this year.

I’m quite the emotional person and have been known to cry easily (to the embarrassment of our kids). I sobbed watching the movie “Up.” (More than once.) Stories of individuals doing something special for others, like caring for the homeless or the TV show Extreme Home Makeover, make me teary. When I see other people cry, I cry. While water ekes out of my eyes in each of these situations, none refresh my soul like a good alone cry. It’s during those times that I reflect, talk to God, and let the tears freely flow. After all, every one of those tears is washing away stress hormones from my body. What’s not good about that?

I know men tend not to cry as often as women, but I hope as our boys become men, they will experience the release that occurs when they allow themselves to cry. Whether they cry alone, with a significant other, or in a room full of people, I hope they find comfort through the tears, just like their mom does.

Vacation Reconnect

Five destinations. Ten days. Twenty-five hundred miles. And we are still talking to one another.

While our high school junior spent Spring Break on a school trip in the Netherlands and our oldest is away at college, my husband and I decided to practice being empty nesters by taking an extended vacation alone. Alone meaning together…in the car…for 10 days. Did I mention 2,500 miles? It wasn’t actually 10 days in the car, more like six travel days of four to nine hours with some local driving at our destinations. And it wasn’t quite alone all the time. Four of the five destinations were spent reconnecting with family and friends.

At our first stop in St. Louis, MO, we had dinner with friends we made while working in Alaska 24 years ago. We reminisced about the past and talked about our jobs, kids, and futures. Our second destination brought us to my brother-in-law’s place. Over this three-day visit, we enjoyed lots of laughs and got to know his fiancé and her children. While in Nashville, TN, we really were alone. We walked, talked, fished, ate great food, and listened to some good music. In Gatlinburg, TN we stayed with friends who rented a house in the mountains for their Spring Break. It was a joy to continue this friendship in such a beautiful part of the country. Our last stop was in Louisville, KY where we caught up with Fred’s sister and brother-in-law. While our families may be close at heart we are geographically distant, so every chance we get to spend together, no matter how short, is worth it.

As I reflect on this trip, I am so grateful for the family and friends God has brought into my life. Relationships are not always easy to develop and sustain. It takes time and when we are raising families, it seems there is never enough time to stay connected. This connection also applies to our marriages. As we near empty nesting, I look back and am reminded how important it is to spend time with one another to cultivate that relationship. As we raised the boys we didn’t always make the time to spend together. Sure, there were lots of family vacations and forced family fun times. Fred and I had occasional dates and special anniversary vacations when we were alone, but no regularly scheduled date nights. I hope we are able to help our boys make date nights a priority when they have kids of their own (preferably many years from now).

This vacation reminded me of a younger us, before kids. Thank goodness we have both grown over our almost 23 years of marriage though. There were plenty of times during this trip that could have been points of contention earlier in our lives. Driving (Do I even need to say the word ‘directions’?) and in the mountains no less; mountain biking (Fred is much more adventurous than me on the trails.); fishing (I haven’t fished since Alaska and don’t have the patience he does.); eating (I need fruits and veggies once in a while!); activities (I tend to have more varied interests than him.). In addition, I didn’t over plan the vacation and Fred didn’t complain about driving. We moved a little slower, went to bed a little earlier, were more patient with one another, and sought to make each other happy. We just might survive life without kids if we keep this up.

Did we miss the kids? Of course, but we texted and talked to them, and bragged about what a great time we were having. In less than 18 months, we will officially be empty nesters. We’ll continue to miss them (on vacation or not), but want them to move on with their lives. Just like us.

Good Grief

“Good grief.” While not the first words that came to mind when our 18 year old sent me a text that he was thinking of going to Florida with his girlfriend and her family for Christmas, they do convey my frustration. “What?! You want to do this the first Christmas you’ve been away at college? I expect there will be Christmases without us all together, but so soon? You’re only 18!”

I am such a hypocrite. I say I’m ready for our kids to be adults, that we’ve done a good job raising them, and that I’m looking forward to spending time with my husband without the daily stress of raising kids. But now that one of our charges is actually an adult, I’m questioning if I’m really ready for the changes that lie ahead. This Christmas I realized I’ve been grieving, for years, the fact that the boys are growing up. I just haven’t accepted it.

Our family photo this Christmas

It’s normal to grieve the changes in life as our children grow up. My conflicting feelings of “I’ve done a good job and they are ready” and “You’re not old enough to be moving on to the next stage in life” are caused because my familiar patterns of life are changing. As I reflected over the lifetime of Christmases we’ve had with the boys, I realize that the familiar patterns really lasted only a brief period of time and new patterns took their place.

• When the boys were young, Christmas was fun and exciting, not just for them but for me. They seemed to enjoy getting and decorating the Christmas tree, they would come to wake us up earlier than we were ready to get up, and we had all sorts of options of gifts for them. This lasted just four or five years.
• In the pre-teen years I began to notice less excitement in hunting for the tree and even less desire to decorate it. While the extra hour or so of sleep was a relief, it came with the price of less anticipation of Christmas morning. Their Christmas gift idea list became smaller so they had a better idea of what they would receive. This phase of Christmases was also short.
• The teen years came with sleeping in until 10:00 or 11:00 on Christmas Day, presents we picked out together because they only wanted one expensive gift, and celebrating early so they can be with someone else on Christmas Eve and Day. We’ve been in this pattern of Christmases (minus the last part) for four years.  

Reflecting on Christmases past has helped me to accept the fact that our oldest child has decided to spend the holidays with someone other than us. This is the next phase of our life. It may be years before a new familiar pattern of life exists for us. Soon there will be two in college followed by daughters-in-law and grandchildren, and with them comes more change.

This recent grief I’ve experienced is not the same as when I lost my mom, but it is a process all the same. Grief is good. It’s a normal, natural reaction to any kind of loss. I am ready to accept this new phase of life with renewed insight. I’m not going to pretend that it’s going to be easy for me. I’m sure there will be times I struggle with the changes, but I hope it gets easier as time goes on. And I know I can always find comfort in family and friends who have already been through it.

Learning to be a Mom of an Adult Child

It’s been a month. Thirty-six days to be exact but I’m not really counting. Last month we dropped off our oldest child, Kyle, at Michigan Tech University, a 7-8 hour drive from home. I expected it to be a weepy goodbye as both my husband and I are quite emotional. To my surprise it wasn’t (mostly because our son couldn’t get us out the door soon enough), and that began a new phase of my life...mothering an adult child.

Dropping Kyle off at college 

I’m sure other mothers can relate. For eighteen years, I’ve spent the majority of my life attentive to his needs, his wants, his health, his schoolwork, his behavior, his friends and girlfriends, his activities, etc. Now that he’s gone, it seems I think about him much more than when he lived at home. That’s probably not true, but when I saw him, even if it was just 5-10 minutes at night, I had confirmation that he was okay. Not hearing from him for days or seeing him for months is new territory for me. Learning comes with new things and here is a summary of what I’ve learned so far in this new journey.

What I miss

• I miss the daily contact and updates. Even if it was just a few minutes in the morning and/or evening, I was able to see him and talk with him about his life. I know there is technology that will allow this to continue to occur, but I’m giving him his space to be an adult.
• I miss watching him play sports, interact with his friends and adults, and obsess over whatever project he started.
• I miss his beautiful smile. And I should since we paid for it!
• I miss his curious, creative nature. Not necessarily the messes he made while being curious and creative though.
• I miss his friends coming over to hang out.
• I miss him taking care of the dog every morning! Just being honest.

What I love about parenting an adult child

At a college visit senior year

• I love the freedom I have to spend more time with my husband. While we still have one more child at home, it is one less person and schedule to work around.
• I love that grocery shopping is easier and less frequent. No longer do I need to get milk three times a week, make spaghetti and tacos at least once a week, or replenish snacks as often.
• I love that the house stays clean longer. I’m sure this is due to our younger son taking over the basement vacated by Kyle so the upstairs (the part I see the most) is easier to keep less cluttered.
• I love that there are less cars in the driveway. As all the men in my family can attest to, I am not the best backer upper. Trying to weave between cars in my driveway is a stressful endeavor for me so his leaving has alleviated some of this stress.
• I especially love when Kyle initiates a call or text conversation. It makes my day whenever I hear from him no matter why he is connecting with me or how long we converse.

What I struggle with

• How do I communicate with him without being intrusive? How often should I or can I contact him? What time during the day or night is okay to call? I’m sure I’m overthinking this, but I want him to know I care without bugging him all the time.
• How do I balance giving him advice without telling him what to do? Over the years we’ve taught him to make his own decisions, but we’ve always been there to help him through them. Now he doesn’t always consult us in his decisions.
• How do I ask questions without being interrogative? I’m interested in what he’s doing and I’m sure there are things I don’t want to know. How do I ask the right questions to hear about his life without making it seem like I’m trying to catch him doing something wrong?
• How do I accept the fact that we’ve done a good job raising him and he’s going to be an honest, hardworking, caring, and productive adult? In my heart I know he will be.

Love that smile!

I think back to when I was a young adult and how my mother treated me. She gave me my space, was there when I needed her, and prayed for me constantly. This is the path I am choosing to take on this new journey. I hope I will be as successful at mothering adult children as she was.

Redefining Mom Time

I empathize with Fred every time I think about the Dunkin Donuts “Time to Make the Donuts” commercial from the early 1980s. Every day Fred the Baker got up early and came home after dark to do his job, making donuts. He became more exhausted as the days went on and eventually ran into himself at the door as he was leaving/coming. I’m sure many people relate to this commercial from a work perspective, but I empathize with Fred from the mom perspective.

Photo credit: quotesgram.com/exhausted-mom-quotes/

Once upon a time I felt like Fred the Baker. Rise early to shower and get ready before waking the kids. Make breakfast and lunches. Be sure they had everything for the school day. Go to work. Pick kids up and make dinner. Drive to some sort of sports practice. Get the boys ready for bed. Grade papers or prepare lessons. On 'no practice' days, I had time to grocery shop, do laundry, clean the house, work on the budget, take care of the unending list of things a mother is responsible to do, or maybe plan a vacation. Then do it again the next day and the next day and the next day… My poor husband. During that time, he may have gotten meals and vacations, but very little one-on-one time with me.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVED spending time with the boys, and still do, but I rarely had much Mom Time. Sure, I could squeeze in a workout...if I got up earlier or ran instead of eating dinner with the family. I tried, unsuccessfully, to play cards every other week with my friends. When I decided to read a book, I’d stay up way too late, multiple nights in a row, because I couldn’t stop reading (apologies again to my husband). But that was my Mom Time...a little time to spend doing what I wanted to do.

As the boys got older, they started making their lunch, doing their laundry, and eventually driving themselves to practice. Now there are days when I see them for five minutes before I head to bed. I’m starting to miss them. In their teen-aged years, my definition of Mom Time has changed. It is no longer time for me, but time for us.  And I’ll take any chance I can get to spend some time with them.

Birthday Bonus

In the last couple of weeks I’ve been fortunate to have some newfound Mom Time. Our youngest invited me to see the movie Finding Dory. As a bonus, our oldest son and his girlfriend came along. Both boys unexpectedly had my birthday off from work so we spent the afternoon together as a family, and I didn’t even have to use a Forced Family Fun Day to make it happen. Our oldest spent the Fourth of July sailing with us, and I actually enjoyed driving one and a half hours to the orthodontist just so I could spend alone time with our youngest son.

My relationships with the boys have definitely changed over time and I’m sure as they enter college, get married, and start families those relationships will continue to evolve. I’m not sure that my Mom Time definition will change again, but I do know that my time with each of the boys will become less as they continue their journey through life. For now, I’m going to savor all the Mom Time I can get.