Relationships Matter

Earlier this month, I shared the following story with a group of educators and realized I should use it for a long-overdue blog post. 

I am a self-proclaimed relationship nerd. I don’t have a degree in relationships, but I believe they are the foundation for everything in our lives. In 2013 I even started a blog and have written about my relationship with myself, God, family and friends, food, technology, and much more.

Yesterday I encouraged you to think about the relationships in your life. Raise your hand if a school-related relationship popped into your head. As I reflected on my younger years, I realized how important my school-related relationships were.

My parents were young when I was born, 17 and 20. Throughout my childhood in the UP, my mom stayed at home to raise us and my dad worked long hours to provide for our family. I felt very loved and cared for, but education beyond high school wasn’t discussed nor did we talk about careers.

I remember some of my elementary and middle school teachers as being kind, encouraging, and providing challenging work. Over those years, the teachers showed me that I “was smart” (i.e., I did well on tests and assignments and could follow the rules) and they gave me the courage to try new things. That courage was an important foundation for high school. In those early years, I also made a couple of good friends that I still see today.

Freshman Swimming Photo 😄

We had a pool at our high school. Karen Pedley, the pool PE teacher, encouraged me to join the swim team when I was a freshman. At first, I was afraid, but with my previous successes at trying new things, and Mrs. Pedley’s encouragement, I joined. During those four years, I learned to set goals, developed a desire for physical fitness, and gained leadership skills. I formed new relationships with Coach Pedley and my teammates.

In my junior year, I took accounting. Mr. Hayes, one of the business teachers, saw my potential and asked if I’d like to join BOEC (he was an advisor for the club). Again, my first instinct was to say no even though I liked business courses and had found success in other things. During my two years in BOEC, I gained confidence, a strong work ethic, and even success with two national first-place awards.

I was lucky to have close relationships with other teachers too. But, even with my strong teacher/coach relationships, a close friend base, and the successes I found in high school, I still did not know what I wanted to do after graduation. I planned to join the Navy (my dad is a veteran) until a friend convinced me to try college…for one year.

My college years were not traditional. I started working full-time in an office at Northern Michigan University after the first semester of my sophomore year. When I reflect on the decision to work full-time to pay for college, I’m glad I didn’t listen to my advisor who told me that if I worked full-time, I wouldn’t finish my degree. His comment actually made me determined to prove him wrong. Over the next four years, I was able to apply the business content I was learning to my work. I’m sure this experience helped shape my view of what education should be. The relationships I also developed with my bosses were invaluable and applied to my business degree and relationships in general.

I’m thankful for every person during my “schooling years” who took the time to know me, encourage me, challenge me, and celebrate with me. I share this with you as a reminder that the relationships you build matter. Without the support of the educators in my early life, I know my career path would look much different today. Your students may not talk about you or thank you in the future, but they will remember your relationship.

While this story was designed for educator/student relationships, relationships matter in all areas of our lives. As human beings, we are relational and need others to survive and thrive. A February 2024 Psychology Today article lists 13 different types of relationships we may have in our lives. They include romantic, sexual, family, friends, online, acquaintances, work colleagues, location-based, teacher/student, therapist/client, health care professional/patient, community/faith-based/cultural group, and pets. Take some time to reflect on your relationships and how they matter to you. 

Christmas Traditions

Traditions abound around the holiday season…picking out and decorating a tree, writing letters to Santa, making Christmas cookies, caroling, driving around to see the light displays, watching holiday movies, and spending time with people you love. Over the years our traditions have changed and I’m sure some of yours have too.

Searching for our Christmas tree, 2005

When I was growing up, my grandparents on my mom’s side were divorced and remarried which established some of our family Christmas traditions. (My dad’s parents spent the winter in Florida so we didn’t usually see them at Christmas.) We would attend Christmas Eve service with my grandpa and his family, followed by dinner and presents at his house. Christmas Day was then spent with my grandmother and her husband at our house. They would come over early in the morning for gifts and stay through dinner. I loved these get-togethers and all the people involved. We continued these traditions into my adulthood until my mom passed away.

At the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I tried to keep our family Christmas traditions alive by spending time in the Upper Peninsula with family, his mom and siblings in Detroit, and his dad and family in Kalamazoo. This many-mile triangle became too difficult to sustain once we had kids so we began alternating holidays…a new tradition. One year would be a Kari Thanksgiving with my family and a Sitkins Christmas with my husband’s family. The next year we switched. This tradition has continued for over 20 years, although in smaller gatherings due to life’s cycle.

We created our own traditions with Kyle and Elliott that ended once they moved out (or maybe when they were in high school, see side note)…finding and cutting down a tree, decorating it with Christmas music in the background, Christmas stockings before gifts, and eating monkey bread on Christmas morning. (Side note: Just because you have a tradition does not mean everyone enjoys it the same. I loved decorating the tree together, but I found out the males in this family did not feel the same!)

12 Days 2021

One family tradition I try to keep alive is the 12 Days of Christmas. Our version of the 12 Days is different from most. It begins on December 14 and each gift corresponds to the day…a pair of gloves could be day one (1 pair) or day two (two gloves) or day 10 (10 fingers). When the boys were young, it was much easier because they lived with us and many of the days were food items they wouldn’t normally get. These included Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes, candy, bags of chips, and pop. We also gave them things like a $5 gift card, four quarters, 11 oz. of Pringles. Days 7 and 11 were often the hardest so we sometimes created coupons for movie rentals, books, or other things/activities we could do throughout the winter. As they got older, we added items like socks, deodorant, protein bars, and gift cards for fast food. My 12 Days of Christmas skills are being challenged even more now that they live on their own.

The Sitkins’ 12 Days of Christmas began when the boys were very young. I was a stay-at-home mom and was always looking for something to keep them busy (and learn in the process). The kids and I made things for Fred (their dad) that corresponded to the day…a wreath ornament with eight green balls, five songs they sang on a cassette tape, one play they performed, a coupon for three snow shoveling jobs or 10 back rubs, etc. After a couple of years, we started the 12 Days for the boys, and at some point, abandoned Fred’s but kept the tradition for Kyle and Elliott.

As our children move further into adulthood and have significant others, we will adjust to their schedules and the holiday traditions they create. One of those adjustments will be to the 12 Day of Christmas. They don’t know it yet, but one day the 12 Days tradition will move down a generation. Whether your traditions are just beginning, spans generations, or changing, I hope you find joy in every one of them.

Time For A Lazy Saturday Morning

This lazy Saturday morning I decided to have my breakfast outside on the deck. There are a couple of things about that statement that surprise me. First of all, most Saturday mornings are not lazy. I’m either running errands, doing chores, out of town, or spending time with guests in our home. Secondly, I ALWAYS eat my breakfast at the kitchen table in the same seat at around the same time. Creature of habit I guess. 

Today was finally warm enough for me to consider eating outside in the a.m. without bugs, clouds, gusty wind, and a laundry list of things to do on my mind. Looked like a very peaceful and sunny day with a nice breeze so I took my bagel, strawberries, and tea out the slider to sit and read, listen, pray, and watch. And to see if having “coffee on the deck/patio/porch” is really as great as people write about. 

The first thing I noticed was the beauty around me. The freshly cut grass (thanks, E). The flowers blooming in the flower beds I often curse when weeding. The trees full of leaves. The sun shining through the hazy clouds. Birds flying all over my viewing space. Neighbors enjoying the morning as they take their kids out for the day or going for a motorcycle ride.

Then the sounds. So many birds! I’m not very knowledgeable about birds, but I do recognize the sound of a woodpecker behind me. Other sounds I hear are chirping, whooing, whistling, cawing, and others that I cannot find a word for. I heard a bird calling to others who I then watched fly to the tree he (or she) was in. On a side note, from my home office window this spring I have noticed many different types and colors of birds. Does this new found awareness of birds mean I’m old or that I finally took the time (or have the time) to stop, see, and listen?

I also hear a lawn mower in the distance (someone who is not having a lazy Saturday morning), a plane flying overhead, someone’s air conditioner, and neighbors leaving for work. All those sounds that go along with living in a neighborhood and our modern society. These I have always been attuned to. 

The coffee people are right. It’s been pretty relaxing to sit on the deck with my cup of tea, eating my breakfast and taking in the world around me. (And writing this blog.) I’m not the type of person who is going to do this every Saturday (those who know me well are surprised I did it today), but I will definitely take advantage of it again when I can. I hope you do too.

It’s been so enjoyable I could almost talk myself out of going for a run. But I did that last weekend (for a different reason than sitting on my deck) so I better get to it. 

Saying Goodbye to a Relationship

I recently said goodbye to a 13-year relationship, and it was more difficult than I thought it would be. In the beginning, I really didn’t want to get into the relationship. I was happy with the ones I already had. How could I manage another? But there were special people in my life who wanted to add this relationship to our lives, so I acquiesced. And I’m glad I did because she brought much joy to my life.

Zoey, our chocolate lab, quickly became my walking partner. I wonder how many miles we walked over those 13 years. We walked with friends, and we walked alone. She would remember where there had been “bad” dogs in their yards, and she’d pull on the leash to get as far away from them as she could even when they weren’t outside. On some walks we’d stop at the lake. I’d find something to throw in the water for her to retrieve. It was funny how many more times she would retrieve something in the water than she would on land. Zoey liked being off the leash but never went too far ahead without stopping to see if I was coming. I couldn’t get on the floor to stretch or sit without her thinking I was down there for her. She loved having her belly rubbed whether I was on the floor or not. Were there more of those than the miles we walked? She always knew when I was sad or upset and would come to comfort me. 

Like all relationships though, there were difficult times. We were fortunate that she didn’t chew shoes since she spent her younger years in the mud room with ALL our footwear. But she did chew a hole in the basement wall. On some of our walks, when Zoey was off the leash, she would get behind because she stopped to sniff everything. Weren’t we supposed to be exercising? Once she ate a hand warmer and Fred had to induce vomiting. When we lived on the sailboat for three months, she got so depressed she developed a hot spot on top of her head. Then there was a trailer incident where her jaw got broken as were our hearts. 

As Zoey aged, our walks became slower and shorter. She would still go in the water, but not for long. Naps became more frequent and longer. Her eyesight failed, she couldn’t hear, and doggie dementia set in. It seemed to come on slowly yet went by way too fast. I always wondered how we would know when it was time to say goodbye, but she let us know.

Zoey touched not only my life, but so many others. The family who cared for her as their own every time we went on vacation. My walking friends. The many neighbors who let her out and fed her when we would be late to get home. Her furry friends’ parents. The coworkers who stayed with her when we needed them. The vet staff and groomers who loved on her at every visit. It seemed she captured the hearts of everyone she encountered. 

While I had no desire to have a pet in my life, my love for Zoey grew to a point that saying goodbye was difficult. I still expect her to be waiting outside our bedroom door in the morning for her breakfast. I miss being greeted by her when I come in the door. And I ache to walk with her again when I see other dogs and their owners enjoying a walk together. All relationships have good and bad days, ups and downs. As I reflect on the memories I have of Zoey, I’d have to say there were many more on the plus side which made it harder to say goodbye. 

I appreciate our family and friends who have reached out to comfort us and share in our grief. From cards, gifts, and flowers to Facebook and text messages, these acts of kindness let us know we are not alone in our sorrow. Many have walked with path before, and I appreciate those relationships as well.

Relationships in Crisis

No, I’m not going to talk about financial management, marital strife, prodigal children, or physical, mental, or emotional abuse. Yes, all these relationship issues can escalate to a crisis and the pandemic has most likely exacerbated those that already existed. I’m taking this to a more personal relationship level. During this current crisis, connecting with my family and friends is not the same.  

I miss hugs!

It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for a lifetime, just met you, or you are a stranger, I’m always in for a hug. I recently ran into a couple of friends at the grocery store and was so excited to see them. My first instinct was to hug them but then I remembered that I shouldn’t. Hugs are reassurance that we care for others, a thank you when someone does something special for you, and comfort when someone is struggling. I think we all could use more of that comfort right now.

Missing this!

I miss physically being with my people!

I miss going out to dinner, playing cards, going to the movies, and having get-togethers. Like many others today, I Google Meet, Zoom, or FaceTime a lot. Video calls are great for seeing people…if you can see them! The screens are just not big enough and I have to wear my reading glasses. What I need is a theater-style set-up where the technology works automatically. Honestly, I’d rather get together where the “screen” is real-life and reading glasses aren’t necessary.

I miss trips to visit friends and family!

Day trip, weekend getaway, or vacation time. Going to see family and friends is something I’ve done my whole life. One of my good friends moved away recently and if it had not been for the pandemic, I would have already traveled there to see her and her new place. We didn’t spend Thanksgiving with family and are trying to decide what to do about Christmas. These are two holidays we have always spent with family.

I know it is my choice to stay physically distant. I do so because I care about others. Not only that, but I’m afraid that once I start spending time with people I won’t want to stop. I (we) will get through this crisis. In the meantime, I’ll try to do a better job connecting through email, text, phone/video call, and more walks. Feel free to reach out to me as well!

To be fair to the pandemic, there has been an upside in some of my relationships during this crisis. My dog is loving the two daily walks and more petting, and my husband and I have spent more time doing new things together like cooking and walking. I hope those things remain once this is over.

Relationship Remodel

Whew! Our marriage survived another remodel project. Fred and I have remodeled an entire house…if we lived in the same house all these years. Over our 25 years of marriage, there have been four houses and multiple home projects. We’ve remodeled a kitchen/living room and another kitchen, added an attached garage, replaced windows, built a couple of patios, added decks, created a mudroom in a section of a garage, built a pole barn (to “replace” the space lost in that garage), and updated (i.e., painting, flooring, trim, etc.) numerous rooms in every house. The latest remodel project…our master bathroom.

I’m a visual person so when my husband says we should blah, blah, blah, I usually wrinkle my nose and say I don’t think I’ll like how that will look. He either sketches a picture or I take a leap of faith (or both) and we go forward with the project. Inevitably, the completed project is much better than the visual I had in my head from his verbal explanation. This last project was no exception.

We practiced a lot of patience during the four-month renovation project…with the process (so many steps had to cure before we could move on!), with items to come in, and with each other. We, meaning mostly my husband, did the work, along with advice and help from our friends. The finished project is better than we imagined.

As I reflected on the project, I came to realize how much renovation/remodel projects are like relationships.

1. Our demolition included taking out the vanity, toilet, tub, and tile floor. While not all relationships have to be brought back to the studs, we often must start over. Go back to the beginning and rebuild. Forgive and move on.
2. Every part of the project had a messy component to it. It seemed like we were always cleaning something up. Like this project, relationships can be messy. Disagreements. Distrust. Miscommunication. Healthy relationships deal with the messes as they happen to keep the “project” going.
3. Often remodel projects take longer than planned. At about the three-month marker, we were ready to be done. If we chose to stop at that point, we would have a half-bath in our master bedroom. When we get tired of fighting through the tough parts of our relationships, it’s worth remembering that there is something better and beautiful if we don’t give up.
4. Every project cost something…time, money, patience. And sometimes those costs are more than we expect. Sounds a lot like relationships. Giving of yourself, being patient, and holding your tongue (I’m talking to me here), are often difficult to sustain. But they are also good investments to make in a relationship.
5. A weight off his shoulders. A deep, fresh breath for me. That’s what it felt like to complete our remodel project. And we celebrated. Dinner. A toast. A relaxing weekend talking about what we can do now in our free time. When we get to the other side of difficult times in our relationships we need to remember to celebrate. Celebrate that the relationship remains. Thank God for the opportunity to grow as a couple. Talk about your future together.

We all face project (trials) in our relationships. Financial struggles, infidelity, emotional instability, loss of loved ones, gross misunderstandings, and much more. Some projects just need a new paint job. Not to cover over the issue, but to bring a new fresh perspective. Other times we may need to tear it down to the studs and start over. Our relationships improve, grow stronger, and become deeper when we work through every part of the remodel process.

My husband and I have a list of house projects we would like to eventually accomplish. That list gives us something to look forward to together. I also know each project will give me an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with him. I love this “house” we’ve built together, no matter where it lives.

You want me to do what?

/rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/: The way in which two or more people regard and behave toward one another. (lexico.com) The reason I am passionate about relationships is that they are part of everything we do. Every time we interact with someone, whether physically or online, we are in a relationship. No, not the Facebook or cultural “in a relationship,” but “the way two or more people behave toward one another” relationship.

Not all relationships are lengthy or deeply personal like we have with our families, marriages, and close friends. But they all require love. I once saw a photo of a church sign that said, “Just love them all. I’ll sort them out later.” Love. Them. All. ‘All’ includes your difficult family members, an unreasonable neighbor, your impatient boss, the crazy homeless person you see on your way to work, and everyone else we come in contact with.

I want to love ALL like God loves me. That means those with opposite lifestyles, multiple personalities, and different opinions. It’s easy to love people who are like me, agree with me, and love me back. But how do I love imperfect people (myself included)? I believe it’s a combination of I Corinthians 13 and Matthew West’s song Do Something. I Corinthians 13 tells me how and the song tells me to take action.

Here is how I’ve applied, and continue to apply, I Corinthians 13: 4-7 to my relationships:

Be patient: Patience is not something that comes easy to me, but I’ve had many situations to practice patience. God taught me patience through an independent toddler, an inclination to say “yes” too often, and more ways than I'd like to admit to. I still hear His voice when I’m frustrated with long lines, traffic, and people. 😊

Be kind: Like the Good Samaritan story (Luke 10:25-37), I am called to be kind in my relationships. I try to open doors, smile more, and make conversation (or just say ‘hi’). Being kind includes helping my spouse or friend and listening instead of talking.

Do not be envious: Love is not envious of others' possessions, careers, kids, brains, talents, etc. As I get older, I’ve learned to be content with what God has given me. When I focus on what I do not have, I am unhappy. And my unhappiness does not lead to loving others.

Do not boast or be proud: It is okay to be proud of the person God made me and how He uses me, but when my focus is on being better than others, then I am not showing love. 

Do not dishonor others: God has shown me that my mouth is capable of dishonoring others. The words I use or the way I say those words have humiliated, demeaned, or hurt other people. I am not perfect, but I’m learning to hold my tongue more. 

Do not be self-seeking: Rather than insisting on doing what I want to do, I show love by going out to dinner where my kids would prefer to go, by giving of my time to volunteer at the homeless shelter, and by taking care of the day-to-day duties of running our home without complaining.

Do not be easily angered: When I have over-committed and get stressed out, I find myself getting angry more quickly and often say things I don’t mean. I have to make a concerted effort to remember to love the driver in front of me, the grocery store clerk, or just about anyone who is slowing me down to get things accomplished.

Keep no record of wrongs: This is forgiving and letting it go. I distinctly remember asking God how many times I needed to forgive “this person” for the same ‘wrong.’ It may be hard to believe, but I heard Him say “seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22) What’s amazing is that when I continue to forgive, even for the same issue, I never get to seventy times seven (yes, I’ve tried counting). 🙄

Do not rejoice in wrongdoing: When I hurt someone, make a mistake, or do something wrong, I fess up to it (most of the time). My relationships are only healthy when I am truthful. Also, not celebrating or gloating (even internally) when someone else messes up falls in this category.

Always protect: I’m a mom. Watching out for people like they are my kids isn’t too difficult. But standing up for others when their shortcomings are revealed is harder. In these situations, I try to see life from their perspective and protect them by not adding more negativity to the fire.

Always trust: When someone hurts me, it is easy to not want to trust them again. But love calls me to always trust, not to be suspicious. I’ll admit this isn’t always easy, yet I believe it is the right thing to do. For my relationships that are not close and personal, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been in places in my life where I have not been at my best and I hope others have done the same for me.

Always hope: Hope is a confident belief in something unseen. Expressing my confidence in my husband’s and children’s abilities and potential, is part of loving them. Believing that people will change, that circumstances will get better, and that there is something better beyond this world are what keep me always hoping.

Always persevere: Over my lifetime, I’ve encountered difficult times in various relationships. I can honestly say that persevering through those times has been worth it in the long run. This devotion by Sharon Jaynes reiterates that fact (at least in marriages) when it states, “86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier.”

I do not love perfectly in any of my relationships. I often find myself asking God, “Why?” Why do I have to…? Why don’t they…? Why me? And “You want me to do what?” His answer is always “Because I love you. Don’t you want others to feel that love too?” And I do.