Relationships in Crisis

No, I’m not going to talk about financial management, marital strife, prodigal children, or physical, mental, or emotional abuse. Yes, all these relationship issues can escalate to a crisis and the pandemic has most likely exacerbated those that already existed. I’m taking this to a more personal relationship level. During this current crisis, connecting with my family and friends is not the same.  

I miss hugs!

It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for a lifetime, just met you, or you are a stranger, I’m always in for a hug. I recently ran into a couple of friends at the grocery store and was so excited to see them. My first instinct was to hug them but then I remembered that I shouldn’t. Hugs are reassurance that we care for others, a thank you when someone does something special for you, and comfort when someone is struggling. I think we all could use more of that comfort right now.

Missing this!

I miss physically being with my people!

I miss going out to dinner, playing cards, going to the movies, and having get-togethers. Like many others today, I Google Meet, Zoom, or FaceTime a lot. Video calls are great for seeing people…if you can see them! The screens are just not big enough and I have to wear my reading glasses. What I need is a theater-style set-up where the technology works automatically. Honestly, I’d rather get together where the “screen” is real-life and reading glasses aren’t necessary.

I miss trips to visit friends and family!

Day trip, weekend getaway, or vacation time. Going to see family and friends is something I’ve done my whole life. One of my good friends moved away recently and if it had not been for the pandemic, I would have already traveled there to see her and her new place. We didn’t spend Thanksgiving with family and are trying to decide what to do about Christmas. These are two holidays we have always spent with family.

I know it is my choice to stay physically distant. I do so because I care about others. Not only that, but I’m afraid that once I start spending time with people I won’t want to stop. I (we) will get through this crisis. In the meantime, I’ll try to do a better job connecting through email, text, phone/video call, and more walks. Feel free to reach out to me as well!

To be fair to the pandemic, there has been an upside in some of my relationships during this crisis. My dog is loving the two daily walks and more petting, and my husband and I have spent more time doing new things together like cooking and walking. I hope those things remain once this is over.

Relationship Remodel

Whew! Our marriage survived another remodel project. Fred and I have remodeled an entire house…if we lived in the same house all these years. Over our 25 years of marriage, there have been four houses and multiple home projects. We’ve remodeled a kitchen/living room and another kitchen, added an attached garage, replaced windows, built a couple of patios, added decks, created a mudroom in a section of a garage, built a pole barn (to “replace” the space lost in that garage), and updated (i.e., painting, flooring, trim, etc.) numerous rooms in every house. The latest remodel project…our master bathroom.

I’m a visual person so when my husband says we should blah, blah, blah, I usually wrinkle my nose and say I don’t think I’ll like how that will look. He either sketches a picture or I take a leap of faith (or both) and we go forward with the project. Inevitably, the completed project is much better than the visual I had in my head from his verbal explanation. This last project was no exception.

We practiced a lot of patience during the four-month renovation project…with the process (so many steps had to cure before we could move on!), with items to come in, and with each other. We, meaning mostly my husband, did the work, along with advice and help from our friends. The finished project is better than we imagined.

As I reflected on the project, I came to realize how much renovation/remodel projects are like relationships.

1. Our demolition included taking out the vanity, toilet, tub, and tile floor. While not all relationships have to be brought back to the studs, we often must start over. Go back to the beginning and rebuild. Forgive and move on.
2. Every part of the project had a messy component to it. It seemed like we were always cleaning something up. Like this project, relationships can be messy. Disagreements. Distrust. Miscommunication. Healthy relationships deal with the messes as they happen to keep the “project” going.
3. Often remodel projects take longer than planned. At about the three-month marker, we were ready to be done. If we chose to stop at that point, we would have a half-bath in our master bedroom. When we get tired of fighting through the tough parts of our relationships, it’s worth remembering that there is something better and beautiful if we don’t give up.
4. Every project cost something…time, money, patience. And sometimes those costs are more than we expect. Sounds a lot like relationships. Giving of yourself, being patient, and holding your tongue (I’m talking to me here), are often difficult to sustain. But they are also good investments to make in a relationship.
5. A weight off his shoulders. A deep, fresh breath for me. That’s what it felt like to complete our remodel project. And we celebrated. Dinner. A toast. A relaxing weekend talking about what we can do now in our free time. When we get to the other side of difficult times in our relationships we need to remember to celebrate. Celebrate that the relationship remains. Thank God for the opportunity to grow as a couple. Talk about your future together.

We all face project (trials) in our relationships. Financial struggles, infidelity, emotional instability, loss of loved ones, gross misunderstandings, and much more. Some projects just need a new paint job. Not to cover over the issue, but to bring a new fresh perspective. Other times we may need to tear it down to the studs and start over. Our relationships improve, grow stronger, and become deeper when we work through every part of the remodel process.

My husband and I have a list of house projects we would like to eventually accomplish. That list gives us something to look forward to together. I also know each project will give me an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with him. I love this “house” we’ve built together, no matter where it lives.

You want me to do what?

/rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/: The way in which two or more people regard and behave toward one another. (lexico.com) The reason I am passionate about relationships is that they are part of everything we do. Every time we interact with someone, whether physically or online, we are in a relationship. No, not the Facebook or cultural “in a relationship,” but “the way two or more people behave toward one another” relationship.

Not all relationships are lengthy or deeply personal like we have with our families, marriages, and close friends. But they all require love. I once saw a photo of a church sign that said, “Just love them all. I’ll sort them out later.” Love. Them. All. ‘All’ includes your difficult family members, an unreasonable neighbor, your impatient boss, the crazy homeless person you see on your way to work, and everyone else we come in contact with.

I want to love ALL like God loves me. That means those with opposite lifestyles, multiple personalities, and different opinions. It’s easy to love people who are like me, agree with me, and love me back. But how do I love imperfect people (myself included)? I believe it’s a combination of I Corinthians 13 and Matthew West’s song Do Something. I Corinthians 13 tells me how and the song tells me to take action.

Here is how I’ve applied, and continue to apply, I Corinthians 13: 4-7 to my relationships:

Be patient: Patience is not something that comes easy to me, but I’ve had many situations to practice patience. God taught me patience through an independent toddler, an inclination to say “yes” too often, and more ways than I'd like to admit to. I still hear His voice when I’m frustrated with long lines, traffic, and people. 😊

Be kind: Like the Good Samaritan story (Luke 10:25-37), I am called to be kind in my relationships. I try to open doors, smile more, and make conversation (or just say ‘hi’). Being kind includes helping my spouse or friend and listening instead of talking.

Do not be envious: Love is not envious of others' possessions, careers, kids, brains, talents, etc. As I get older, I’ve learned to be content with what God has given me. When I focus on what I do not have, I am unhappy. And my unhappiness does not lead to loving others.

Do not boast or be proud: It is okay to be proud of the person God made me and how He uses me, but when my focus is on being better than others, then I am not showing love. 

Do not dishonor others: God has shown me that my mouth is capable of dishonoring others. The words I use or the way I say those words have humiliated, demeaned, or hurt other people. I am not perfect, but I’m learning to hold my tongue more. 

Do not be self-seeking: Rather than insisting on doing what I want to do, I show love by going out to dinner where my kids would prefer to go, by giving of my time to volunteer at the homeless shelter, and by taking care of the day-to-day duties of running our home without complaining.

Do not be easily angered: When I have over-committed and get stressed out, I find myself getting angry more quickly and often say things I don’t mean. I have to make a concerted effort to remember to love the driver in front of me, the grocery store clerk, or just about anyone who is slowing me down to get things accomplished.

Keep no record of wrongs: This is forgiving and letting it go. I distinctly remember asking God how many times I needed to forgive “this person” for the same ‘wrong.’ It may be hard to believe, but I heard Him say “seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22) What’s amazing is that when I continue to forgive, even for the same issue, I never get to seventy times seven (yes, I’ve tried counting). 🙄

Do not rejoice in wrongdoing: When I hurt someone, make a mistake, or do something wrong, I fess up to it (most of the time). My relationships are only healthy when I am truthful. Also, not celebrating or gloating (even internally) when someone else messes up falls in this category.

Always protect: I’m a mom. Watching out for people like they are my kids isn’t too difficult. But standing up for others when their shortcomings are revealed is harder. In these situations, I try to see life from their perspective and protect them by not adding more negativity to the fire.

Always trust: When someone hurts me, it is easy to not want to trust them again. But love calls me to always trust, not to be suspicious. I’ll admit this isn’t always easy, yet I believe it is the right thing to do. For my relationships that are not close and personal, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been in places in my life where I have not been at my best and I hope others have done the same for me.

Always hope: Hope is a confident belief in something unseen. Expressing my confidence in my husband’s and children’s abilities and potential, is part of loving them. Believing that people will change, that circumstances will get better, and that there is something better beyond this world are what keep me always hoping.

Always persevere: Over my lifetime, I’ve encountered difficult times in various relationships. I can honestly say that persevering through those times has been worth it in the long run. This devotion by Sharon Jaynes reiterates that fact (at least in marriages) when it states, “86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier.”

I do not love perfectly in any of my relationships. I often find myself asking God, “Why?” Why do I have to…? Why don’t they…? Why me? And “You want me to do what?” His answer is always “Because I love you. Don’t you want others to feel that love too?” And I do. 

25-Year Love Letter

This summer, Fred and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We visited the beach where we got married, stayed at The Homestead where we stayed on our wedding night, and spent some time reminiscing about our time together. Our literal and figurative stroll down memory lane highlighted how much has changed in 25 years.

I started reflecting on our quarter century together when I came to the realization that our oldest son was turning the same age as Fred was when we met. For some reason my beau-to-be seemed older than what I want to believe my son is now. Then I realized…he could meet his future wife any time! This, of course, led to a list of things I want our boys to remember when "seeking" and marrying a spouse. 

• Put your relationship with God first. Human relationships are not forever. Humans are faulty. Spouses leave. Death occurs. God will be there through all your trials and successes. Spend time working on this relationship.
• Know yourself before choosing a partner...what you like/dislike, what is important to you in relationships, where you envision your future, how important your parents are to you 😉, etc. Don't define yourself by the person you choose (see first bullet).
• Choose a partner wisely. While it may be hard to see beyond the initial infatuation
  
  and passion, look for a friend who is going to stick it out for the long haul. Someone who will stretch your comfort zone, who shares your values, and encourages you to grow. Look for traits like patience, forgiveness, and unselfishness. You’ll notice these the more time you spend with someone.
• Make your relationship with your spouse a priority, every day and especially during the tough times. You may disagree about family, friendships, and finances (maybe even politics). You'll navigate emotions, physical ailments, and spiritually battles. It's during those tough times that you need someone who makes your relationship a priority (see third bullet). Also, remember trials are temporary even if it doesn’t feel that way when you’re going through them.
• Communicate regularly. This may be one of the most difficult parts of your relationship, but it's one of the most important. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking or assume you know what she is thinking. Talk about your day, your plans, your future. Celebrate your victories. Share your struggles. And listen to hers.
• Seek wise and mature counsel. I often wonder how my parents and grandparents stayed married so long. Our 25 years isn't even half my grandparents' marital success, yet I am learning what it takes. Don't be afraid to reach out to experienced couples. You're not the first to go through whatever you're going through.

I read a devotion this summer that said marriage is “about sacrifice. It is about caring for the needs of someone else above your own. It is about believing in the impossible when your hope is all but gone. It’s about asking God to give you wisdom and then having the courage to change when he reveals the problem is you.” I’d like to say that in 25 years the problem was never me, but that would be a lie. In fact, I’m thankful for the positive changes I’ve seen in me. Let’s hope Fred does too because I’d like to make it another 25 years.

Who Do You Know?

It may have been on my work reading list for a year, but I finally finished Who You Know by Julia Freeland Fisher. While the book’s focus is on the social capital of students and how schools can help them develop their networks, I could relate many of the concepts to my own life. In addition to the book, volunteering at the local homeless shelter has opened my eyes to the fact that there are people who haven’t been as fortunate in developing their networks and relationships. I feel blessed to know the people I do.

Below are a few concepts from the book that resonated with me. 

My strong ties

• Strong and Weak Ties: There are people who I am close to and share much of my life with…my husband, children, dad, close family and friends. These strong ties are the people who I confide in, who support me when I need it, and just plain put up with me on a regular basis. I also have a network of weak ties…extended family, friends from high school and college, past colleagues and students, and those who have impacted a portion of my life. These ties are not weak in a sense that they are less important, but the role they play in my life is different than the strong ties. (See Value of Networks below.)
• Inherited Networks: I was born into a specific social infrastructure. For much of my youth, who I knew was determined by my parents. My parents valued family so I knew my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even extended family. We also had a network of church friends. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that not everyone was as fortunate to have these types of inherited networks. As an adult, I added to my network from my college experiences, work experiences, and life interests.
• Value of Networks: The books shares how our networks help provide information, influence, social credibility, and identity for us. If it was not for the weak tie of a past boss who provided information (i.e., shared the opportunity) and influence (i.e., gave a recommendation), who also had social credibility with this person, I would not be doing the work I am doing today. I’ve received consulting work from the recommendation of some of my weak ties. While my strong ties are important for my personal life, it is often my weak ties that have helped me in my career.
• Technology: I resisted Facebook until 2009 when my brother refused to email me pictures of my nephew because that’s where he shared them. My LinkedIn account became active when I decided to look for a new job seven years ago. I know many people who have met their mate on a dating site. Texting, conference calls, and webinars are part of my daily routine. Technology has allowed me to connect and stay connected much easier than in the past. It has also made my work much more efficient. While I love these tools, I still have a strong desire to spend time with people conversing face-to-face.

Since finishing the book, I’ve reflected on my networks over the years. If not for an insistent business teacher in high school, I would not have started on a path that has led to so many opportunities for me in ways that I did not expect. Had I not worked my way through college, I would not have had the chance to learn so much from the individuals who took me under their wings. While I could make the argument that who I knew did not introduce me to my husband, in a round-about way it did…(If I didn’t have a college professor who found a summer internship for me where I met a good friend who convinced me to look for a local job, I wouldn’t have met my husband at said job.) 🙂

My favorite research from the book was a study done over more than half a century. People from Harvard grads to inner city individuals were interviewed. The study found that people who were most satisfied with their relationships at 50 years old were the healthiest at 80 years old. This may be interesting to me because I am 50 years old and love my relationships…all of them…strong and weak, short- and long-term. Each has helped define who I am, and I’ve learned so much from them. It may also be interesting to me because I hope to live to be at least 80. 😉

As our boys begin their adulthood, I hope that they work on strengthening their strong ties and continue to build their weak ones. Their networks, beyond what they inherited from us, are further along than either my husband or I were at their ages. Being involved in Young Life and the fraternity has introduced them to many people that can help them in their careers and in life. I’m proud of them for seeking out these networks and hope they know that their strongest tie (i.e., mom/me) will always be here when they need it.

The End of My 50 List

The end of 2018 closed out My 50 List. Twelve months of my life over. The 12 that I dedicated to doing things I put off for years. It wasn’t so much of a checklist (I didn’t complete all 50 items on the list) as it was an intentionality list. I intentionally made the effort to make as many of them happen as I could. For my family and friends who have been wondering how it all shook out, here’s a quick summary.

Travel

On boat to Lilac Festival

The list actually started because, for years, I said I wanted to visit or go to certain places like the Lilac Festival on Mackinac Island and hike on Isle Royale. Each trip had special significance because of the people I shared each of them with. I did all but hike Grand Island (Munising, MI). This coming summer, I hope my husband and I will be able to bike around the island.

Books/Movies

In addition to travel, reading and watching movies for pleasure were reasons I created the list. I read every book on the list, along with a couple of extras. I still have many work-related books on a list. Maybe I’ll get to them this year. ;-} In addition to reading, I watched more movies this year than I have since my senior year in high school. I love watching movies and would like to take more time to do so.

Food/Exercise

Cold run in April

I also love to eat, but this year I made a conscious effort to eat better. Overall, I think I was pretty successful, even if I didn’t lose any weight (not on the list – Ha!). I even tried a new food each month, most that I liked. [Pastrami, not a fan.] I enjoy exercising, but dealing with plantar fasciitis (or something going on with my foot/ankle) made it a little more difficult this year. I kept at it the best I could by finding alternative ways to exercise besides running and walking.

Successes

I completed 46 on the list (sort of…see Struggles). I started volunteering at the homeless shelter which I continue to do. Even with my foot issue, I was able to contribute 600 miles to my Run the Year group and completed 50k in running races. I had to do a cold 5k trail run at the beginning of December just to get those 50 in, but I finished!

Struggles

The weekly entries I tried to make for gratitude, positive things about me, and encouragement/inspire were hard to keep up. Sometimes it felt forced because I hadn’t done it by the end of the week or couldn’t remember if I did. I like to think I am grateful, give praise and encouragement, and think positively about myself, but regularly writing it down made me question that. Two of the four items on my list didn’t get completed. These were in relation to my heritage. While I did take an ancestry test, I didn’t learn more about my family history or Finnish and Italian words.

While I am still 50 years old until the end of June, the calendar year I turned 50 is over and with it My 50 List. I am not eager to create a 51 list, but hope to continue to do more of what I enjoy with family and friends. Thank you all for sharing in my list last year (or at least for putting up with me as I went through it).

❤ = love, sort of

Long before the heart emoji existed, many people, including me, drew hearts to express their love. I put hearts at the end of letters and in cards. I included hearts on notes to my parents and friends. I wrote hearts in my school notebooks next to names of boys I liked. While those hearts represented my love at the time, I knew very little of what love was.

Rarely do I hear the words ‘What is love?’ and not hear the song by Haddaway in my head or think about the Night at the Roxbury skit. Type in ‘love’ in Google and you will get 13.16 billion results. Songs, books, movies, news stories, psychological articles, nonprofits, sites that sell love/love-related items, and more. It’s quite a popular topic. Look at the definition of love and you’ll find it is a noun (e.g., a feeling, a person, or a score in tennis), yet it is shown through our actions (i.e., a verb).  

Love, of course, is more than a feeling. People fall in and out of the ‘love feeling’ all the time. When we love others, it doesn’t mean we’ll never get hurt or that we’ll never hurt others. We love our children, but they probably think we hurt them when they are disciplined. I’m guilty of hurting my husband, children, and friends by saying mean things to them. Having “tough love” by not fixing the mistakes our loved ones make is not easy to do either. It really is hard to love at times.

I want to love better. #37 on My 50 List is ‘Study love as described in the Bible.’ Throughout 2018, my studying consisted of morning devotions about love (some but not all). I also read the book Love Like That: 5 Relationship Secrets From Jesus by Les Parrott III. And I’ve read 1 Corinthians 13 in different translations. Yes, I could have studied more, and even though 2018 is over, I plan to continue to learn more about love.

According to The Message, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says [bolding is mine]

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This message seems counter to what we learn in our world today… it’s okay to be impatient with the waitress or the car in front of you or the cashier at the grocery store; every commercial encourages you to be better than others; keep up with the Jones’ of social media; be angry with others whose opinions differ from yours.

Since I was a youth, I heard and read the above Corinthians verses. Reading the words isn’t the same as living them and it wasn’t until about six years ago that I started to really internalize them. I asked God for years to give me patience. Then I read somewhere that God doesn’t GIVE us patience, He helps us through situations so we LEARN patience. I realized that I “coveted” more than I thought (e.g., better hair, more money, less weight, etc.). When I’m tired or stressed, I lash out at others. And I would love to erase the mental list of wrongs done to me. When I truly study the love list, I have much room for improvement.

As a physical reminder about wanting to love better, I chose to get a tattoo (#10 on My 50 List). The tattoo I chose is an infinity symbol with a cross and a heart, located on my wrist so I see it every day. It’s a reminder to me that I want to love continually but I need help in doing so and I get that help through my faith. I’d like to love unconditionally. I’d like to always follow the love instructions in 1 Corinthians 13. Yet I know that I will sometimes (maybe often) fail. And that’s okay as long as I keep seeking help from God to learn a little more about loving others. Even though I know I won’t be able to love perfectly, it’s something I will strive toward beyond My 50 List (and beyond the ❤ emoji).